Live data from Hacker News

Why forgiving someone else is about you

npr.org

11–20 of 251 posts

Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you

#11
post #6

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Do you honestly believe revenge helps you?

what about making sure the person who did it to you does not profit from it?

You kind of answered the question: revenge does not help the victim. It might feel necessary, but it does not actually help.

Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you

#12
post #2

While law doesn't have place for revenge in a civilised society and rightly so, the need for revenge/retribution I suspect is quite innate. It's healthy to try to forgive but it's quite difficult, almost like you can't fool yourselves into thinking you aren't hungry.

Do you honestly believe revenge helps you?

Yes. If you were stung by a wasp does it make you happy when you smack it to death and it never stings you again? Or do you forgive it as it continues to sting you and you gladly turn the other cheek to let it sting your other cheek too? Then when your facial cheeks are all stung, do you let it sting both your lower cheeks so when you sit down you can forgive them? Now the whole village is being stung by wasps and you taught everyone that revenge is not the right way and instead the village worships the wasps and builds more nests for them due to the ability to forgive. Do you honestly think revenge is useless?

Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you

#13
post #2

While law doesn't have place for revenge in a civilised society and rightly so, the need for revenge/retribution I suspect is quite innate. It's healthy to try to forgive but it's quite difficult, almost like you can't fool yourselves into thinking you aren't hungry.

Do you honestly believe revenge helps you?

Yeah, it's awesome.

Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you

#14
post #11
post #6

Earlier quoted context omitted.

what about making sure the person who did it to you does not profit from it?

You kind of answered the question: revenge does not help the victim. It might feel necessary, but it does not actually help.

Just like masks don't help the wearer, for a sufficiently tunnel-visioned definition of "help" and "things I care about".

(Yes, I know, masks aren't the perfect example because they do have a [smaller] prophylactic benefit to the wearer as well. But if they didn't, it would still be a good idea to wear them for disease containment, and "lol it doesn't benefit me" would be a dubious argument for the same reason.)

Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you

#15
post #2

While law doesn't have place for revenge in a civilised society and rightly so, the need for revenge/retribution I suspect is quite innate. It's healthy to try to forgive but it's quite difficult, almost like you can't fool yourselves into thinking you aren't hungry.

Do you honestly believe revenge helps you?

As with all things in life it really depends on how you frame it.

As a young man I encountered many people who were unkind, told me that my goals were impossible and mocked me for my ambition. Now that I have succeeded at those aims and continued to grow as a human being it is a great feeling to encounter those people in life and see that they haven't been as successful as I have. I can't help but think that I perhaps wouldn't of made it through all those hard years struggling had more people believed in me, the desire to prove them wrong and get my revenge remains one of my greatest sources of motivation.

Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you

#16

In which we learn that forgiveness is a suitcase word (prone to useless debate as each party uses a different definition) https://alexvermeer.com/unpacking-suitcase-words/

I've unfortunately run into this concept many times firsthand, but thank you for finally giving me a term for it! Hopefully naming it will make it easier to talk about. As long as we can keep "suitcase word" to a single definition, of course.

Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you

#17
post #11
post #6

Earlier quoted context omitted.

what about making sure the person who did it to you does not profit from it?

You kind of answered the question: revenge does not help the victim. It might feel necessary, but it does not actually help.

Let's say a man shot you. You don't want any petty revenge so you take no action and forgive. He now shoots you to death and the random occupant in your car. If only there was a way you could have signalled like a real life dislike button or a warning not to do it.

Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you

#18
post #11
post #6

Earlier quoted context omitted.

what about making sure the person who did it to you does not profit from it?

You kind of answered the question: revenge does not help the victim. It might feel necessary, but it does not actually help.

I don't know what definition of revenge everyone is using, but if revenge means consequences for the perpetrator, then it could help the victim by sending a message to future perpetrators.

Re: Why forgiving someone else is about you

#19

In which we learn that forgiveness is a suitcase word (prone to useless debate as each party uses a different definition) https://alexvermeer.com/unpacking-suitcase-words/

Aren't those the only words that matter?

Anything else, that everybody is clear and agrees on, might as well not be discussed at all...

Post reply on HN