Tell HN: Call Mom

My mum passed a few years ago. I miss her deeply, she was just 59 and she missed the chance to meet her first grandchild.

I live in London and she lived in California, we’d speak to each other a few times a week.

Since she left earth and moved to the universe, she’s become a super awesome space mum! I speak to her everyday.

I do miss the hugs, the laughs and life lessons mind you. Her greatest lesson was when she left this world. It taught me a lot about how I go about my life.

So before I sound too cliché, call your mum and tell her you love her, that’s way cooler than the learning the latest tech!

Love you mum!

I know this wasn't the intent of the thread, and I appreciate what the intent was; but my mother died on Mother's Day about five years ago, and I had totally escaped/forgotten that today was Mother's Day in the United States until I read this thread topic.

I guess due to all the COVID-19 news I somehow escaped the usual media barrage of Mothers' Day fanfare that is usually on the television/radio/net.

While I was never distant with my mother, and we had a friendly/healthy rapport, I still regret not being able to call her now. I called her when I should, and generally treated her well -- but not being able to call and talk to her any day, but most especially today, is still a regret.

Whenever a project goes well, or I unexpectedly did better at something, or something fantastic or terrible happens to me -- there's a moment still , internally, where I think to myself "I can't wait to tell her.", usually followed by sadness during the realization that my idea is fantasy, she's long gone and I had forgotten in that brief part of time.

So, I share your sentiment for those out there that shared the same kind of relationship with their mother that I got to experience -- call your mom. One day you won't have the option to do so, and it's tough once you're unable to fulfill that desire.

I was in the same position. Asking the same questions. Is it his fault? It's probably not. Whatever he did has stopped me from seeing him as a parent. I think of my parents as team members I can't fire yet. They might be lazy, unskilled, or unwilling to change. But attacking them won't solve any problems. What you need to do is get into their head. Act, think, and see the same way they do. What would I want others to do that will get me motivated to change?

I give them targetted praise whenever they do something I want. Give treats for wrong decisions but drilling what they did was wrong. Make them feel important and special. Let them feel guilty for not being able to live up to the expectations you build around them. Let them see the perfect human you see them as. Use metrics and numbers that are easy to parse, use social signaling. Instead of giving your opinion about something, point towards someone they might be interested to hear about or care to change them.

Say you love them the way they are but point towards changing societal expectations.

Again, you aren't the bad guy who wants them to change. It's the society or someone else. It is easier to get through the head.

Push them into groups with opposite view to them. People behave differently under group pressure compared to when you are talking to them one on one.

Whenever they come across material that re-enforces their existing belief, try to distract them. Change their environment. Offer to clean their room and remove harmful material. Change places that remind them of their previously held beliefs.

Good advice, and please don't be too harsh on yourself for having forgotten to call. She would've forgiven you many times over.

My goal is to give people a nudge in the direction of calling their mothers, or a mother figure in their life. This is actually what I intended by saying "call important people in your life". I didn't intend to imply that everyone's mother has an important role in their life today. I thought it would be a valuable prompting for many people in the tech startup community to receive, because the pandemic is making people feel less connected.

For those on the fence, I would like to nudge some of them, but not all of them, to call at least one mother figure in their life. For those who were going to call a mother figure, but were going to wait until the last moment, I would like them to call earlier. Mother's Day is traditionally celebrated in the morning, after all. I also had in mind people who were going to forget.

My views have been shaped in part by self-help books I've read, as well as what I've learned by taking yoga, improv, and meditation classes. I think it's better for most people to remove any protective shell they have around them, if they can find a safe way to do so. "The Untethered Self" by Michael Singer [1] gave me a lot of insight into it. When I'm aware, I try to let thoughts come and let them pass. I find I have an easier time doing this when I have good habits (including yoga, improv, meditation, running, and music). Sometimes I do build up a shell around myself, but I eventually open back up again.

[1] https://www.amazon.com/Michael-Singer/dp/1572245379