Extremely disillusioned with technology. Please help

There are a lot of negative aspects to a career spent «working the land» and «living in a small town where everyone knows everything about you, anonymity/privacy are impossible, and you depend on your neighbors for survival» even if you leave aside the «before modern technology» part.

But the previous commenter was explicitly talking about the supposed golden time of rural life a few centuries ago. In practice it was a hard and stressful life both physically and socially.

The summary of the downsides of peasant life was:

> Yes, there was less high tech gadgetry. There were corrupt officials, plagues, bad people. There will always be some element of this.

This is a dramatic understatement, to say the least.

> in our current society you are just a drone. [...] Don't be depressed because it seems like this is how it's always been. It hasn't.

Rural peasants have been treated much more like “just drones” for the past 8 (?) millennia since large-scale civilization built on agriculture than any modern office worker. (Hunter–gatherer societies are different in many ways, though also often precarious.)

Rural peasants do not lack for work anxiety. Or anxiety in their interpersonal relationships. In rural peasant societies many people feel alienated. Domestic abuse is rampant. And so on.

There are many beautiful and nostalgic things about historical rural life. But we shouldn’t get carried away.

I share zackbloom's view that OP overly tried to be (financially) successful. Instead the ultra fast pace and high pressure of a VC backed startup he could have bootstrapped and instead of the soulcrushing corporate job he could have worked at a small company where there is no politics and people care about each other and their craft.

I don't know if OP deliberately chose to chase money, but he did and now complains that he lost his passion for technology. Yes, the other options leave you only with half or even less of the income but you will remain happy and can have a fulfilling work environment. With a software development job you will have a comfortable income no matter where you work so "i needed the money" is not an excuse.

I don't agree with this view. I agree with the original commentor's comment. I do this myself outside of work just to enjoy building something without the responsibility of having to maintain it with 20 other engineers for two more decades.

However, even I can see that a team would get burnt if they built an enterprise software the way I code my personal email client. The problem here is that people forget that building software professionally is an engineering job. Like other forms of engineering, there are processes and good practices to facilitate both functional and non functional aspects of a software and the building process. While the extra burden of version control, testability and extendability takes some of the fun away, I would have reservations working with someone who pushes directly to a release branch, does not write test and hardcode values instead of uaing configuration. It's about balance and realising that job is a job.

> I can't say it's because I wanted to make the world a better place.

i see you saying this, but i don't think you believe this. the way you ended your essay sounds like you do want to make the world a better place through technology.

i am myself burnt out on technology, and i have come to a realization on something that's been burning a while. the simple fact of the matter is that society cannot be helped with technology. just get over that dream. this is all very clear in today's global health crisis. quite nearly all the problems are emphatically not technological in nature and cannot be solved with more technology.

it sounds like to me that you are actually happy but aren't happy with how or why you're happy. maybe that is something to work on? i'm not that old, but as i have aged, i see now that life is a blip. this drive to make a so-called mark is a fool's errand. just enjoy life locally and quit trying to have a global effect. so be happy that you've found some happiness.

i say "so what?" you can't read science fiction. why is that a mark of demerit? read dramas. read thrillers. read westerns. read comedies. there's a ton of material out there that has nothing to do with science. despite science's progress, it still cannot answer or even come close to exploring areas of life that we experience.

stop caring about products. think about things in emotive terms. if you like programming and creating and mathematics, maybe get into creative coding? use your technical ability to search for new expression. maybe use programming to explore your knot theory excursion. maybe volunteer your time to help people or communities who need technology help (i think one can help society on a very local level with a certain amount of technology).

i don't understand why you want to force a path. if a path is closed, it's closed. it doesn't make sense to be happy on your path with tons of other paths out there but to stand in front of the closed path asking "why?". move on and explore.

in dealing with depression and anxiety, the most powerful thought is to understand that you can't change the world. it makes no sense to try and change it, as you'll bury a deeper hole. all the drugs and therapy are meant to be catalyst to a realization that you can't bend the world as if you're gravity and that you must learn to ride the wave in a healthy way and make small adjustments to go where you want to go.

I wish I got to know you and your experience a bit better. But perhaps you didn't work on things that were ambitious enough? Some causes where technology need coders like us are so daunting and scary that it can be good for our personal motivation. Yes, I mean for you to seek out some fear and trembling. For me, if the project is too definite, too attainable, it feels like there is little exploration.

It's natural for us to go towards jobs and projects that feel secure. However security can often bring about boredom and bitterness if you let it take over you everyday.

I'd disagree with the statement that those people weren't your friends. Friends come and go (family too!), live and enjoy great people in the moment. There is nothing wrong with enjoying fleeting moments with people. If they become friends for long time; great. If not, it was fun while it lasted. Not everything has to evaluated for long-term ROI.