re: 2)
I can't speak for all developers, but I generally try to work with the mantra of "first make it work, then make it work well and then make it pretty or fast (depending on what the project is)". I guess that I am a little guilty of thinking of "design" as mostly eye candy and nice-to-have (when in reality, some parts of design probably should be part of making it work well). But I also abhor applications that have some shiny/slick interface and don't work well at all.
re: 4)
As a developer, I recognize that I am not the best at everything and don't pretend that I could design an awesome Wordpress theme if my life depended on it but as you point out, design is not just the "eye candy". At the same time, I am not just an codemonkey. I want to participate in making something awesome, I want to learn and I want to work with people who know more than I do (I learn more that way and will probably come up with a better result).
In my mind, there is a difference between working together and saying "developers can't design, just go over there and write some code to make my vision come true" (I realize that I'm exaggerating a bit here). Any hint of a "just shut up and color" mentality makes my hair stand up in ways that I just don't have words for.
I don't think that either extreme (designers are the only people who can design or 'I can do it myself') is the right answer in any projects where volunteers are involved. As you pointed out, the trick is finding a happy medium and some way for people who stereotypically think in different ways to find common ground.
Now I have some thinking to do about how I can help reach that common ground in the projects that I work on and will work on.
* Edited formatting because it was hard to read. I'm new here and learning.