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Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

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Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#361

Post by audiometry »

It might not be full-blown psychiatry-diagnosed narcissism. It just might be inflamed ego. I really resonated with a book called Ego Is the Enemy. It's fast to read, and I've read it a couple times. It's improved my vigilance against my own ego gaining too much control over me.

I'm certainly not ego-less, but I definitely improved my happiness significantly by making an attempt to weaken the impact of my own ego.

Also, understanding how ego tries to work is a great reference frame for interpreting my own and others' behaviors. That's first step to dealing smartly with them.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#362

Post by darrelld »

jshevek wrote: post #295
darrelld wrote: post #186

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sorry but no. This will not fix narcissism. Narcissists are broken people incapable of self-reflection and everything centers around them. They see everything in the world as being put here for their enjoyment. They thrive off of attention (negative or positive) and it's the only time they feel alive.

Your definition is so simple. So clear. So absolute. Nearly everyone is capable of self reflection. To think that an individual is categorically incapable of it is to deny them their humanity.

Have you ever met a person described as being a narcissist by the DSM-V?

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#363

Post by darrelld »

prophesi wrote: post #317
darrelld wrote: post #186

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sorry but no. This will not fix narcissism. Narcissists are broken people incapable of self-reflection and everything centers around them. They see everything in the world as being put here for their enjoyment. They thrive off of attention (negative or positive) and it's the only time they feel alive.

Have you ever seen The Good Place?

Yes, love it!

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#364

Post by lrvick »

gonehome wrote: post #354
papichulo4 wrote: post #340

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's already hard mustering up the courage and desire to go to therapy. Then I spend hours filling out forms, making cold-calls, completely blind -- reading Yelp reviews on therapists, man. Then I don't get callbacks and am told doctors aren't taking new patients. OK. But everyone is happy recommending therapy. Oooh, it's sooo great! Yeah. Only if I could find some. I'm assuming therapists designed their funnel this…

This largely matches my experience too - I can’t really imagine how anyone actually having a tough time could make it through the necessary hoops to get help.

This 100%.

I feel the stupidly stressful process of trying to find a therapist itself has increased my need for therapy.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#365

Post by azinman2 »

throwawaypa123 wrote: post #260
azinman2 wrote: post #189

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is a very destructive comment, and I hope that no one is seriously reading this and thinking it's ok and applies to them. The most socially unadjusted people I know often blame everyone else around them except for themselves, when it's clear that they were both acting like jerks and totally unaware the entire time. I have a friend that's literally jobless and in poverty now because he was continuously let go pro…

It is about degrees. I used to be miserable trying to "behave" and realized that I was in the wrong environment. I was not a fit for that company or that culture. Working in tech has made it that I don't need to behave since most of my natural tendencies are acceptable there. How bad would it be if someone said that you have to become something I am not. I agree that my comments could be harmful if it was the only on…

Tech being filled with narcissists is not a good thing. It drives many away who could provide better balance, and does major damage long term to the culture. There’s a big backlash against the “arrogance” of Silicon Valley for a reason.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#366

Post by Mikhail_Edoshin »

The narcissistic dynamics is a bit different: a narcissist pretends he is perfect and everything that is wrong is in or caused by the outside world and other people. (Deep down he is not sure of that, but is terrified to even consider that it might be possible to think to have a real look.) Now, if you're not satisfied with yourself this is very non-narcissistic. Selfish and/or autistic perhaps, but it's different. (Plus, all these are words that try to delineate rather vague concepts anyway; it's not that important to find the "right" label here, it would actually obscure the real picture.)

I cannot suggest a specific approach, but I'd recommend to trust your guts on this and watch out for serendipity moments. Like picking a book that "looks at you" even if it is doesn't fit your idea of how it must be done (e.g. picking a religious book if you're not religious). Or bypassing a book store and going to a dance studio instead. I'd say it's not that common to want to change yourself like this and if you have come to this, then you have something in you that might guide you.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#367

Post by tarsinge »

ggambetta wrote: post #15

Seeing a therapist might be infinitely better than reading a book, and not just for narcissism. We're all broken in our own wonderful and unique ways. I've been seeing a therapist for 5 years now, and the positive impact this has had in my life and on my general self-awareness can't be overstated. As engineers and tech people we have one tool that has proven incredible useful in our careers: our brilliant rational mi…

Sure a therapist is better than books but it’s not true that everyone is broken, that’s the equivalent of saying everyone is sick and should be on medication. Everyone has issues but having a balanced life with lots of social interactions is enough for the majority. And sometimes if you don’t have that the therapist become a substitute but that does not mean you are broken. It’s interesting to see a therapist like a doctor for a check up though.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#368

Post by toxicFork »

MadWombat wrote: post #222
toxicFork wrote: post #192

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not any kind of meditation, but some meditation practices allow you to see sensations and experiences in their own context rather than only by how you may be involved within them. For example Satipatthana - or "mindfulness" looks at phenomena starting from sensory experiences in order to prevent cravings or aversion. Cravings and aversion come from how you react to things you may find desirable or undesirable. The de…

Thank you so much, you are one of the very few people I have met online who acknowledges that "meditation" is not a single practice. That said, I am not sure I understand what you mean when you say "cravings and aversion come from how you react to things you may find desirable or undesirable". It seems kinda meaningless, like yeah, I feel aversion when I don't want things to happen and yes, things I don't want to hap…

For cravings and aversion, the practice helps one to balance the impact of the effects. Knowing what is desirable and undesirable is one thing. To what extent do you suffer from craving or aversion is another.

Let's say you do fall into a sewage treatment tank one day. That day will be bad, that is acceptable and expected. However, if you identify with that experience and let it shape your life so that you feel awful every time you go to the toilet, that is not fine.

With Vipassana meditation, one learns to let go of the thoughts as much as one can while meditating. This, psychologically, teaches you not to ruminate on the experiences.

On the other hand, for the desire aspect, you may deeply wish for good things to continue and that if you do not have them you will be incomplete. You would be happy as long as you have that good thing, but when the time comes and the good thing is no longer there, you may suffer a lot. By seeing the impermanence of things you may be able to enjoy the good thing more without attaching yourself to it, and identifying with it, in terms like "I deserve this" or "this is mine" or "I must have done something bad, that is why this thing is going away". Seeing that both good and bad things come and go lets you go with the flow of the river easier rather than trying to hold on to a sharp rock.

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#369

Post by scoutt »

JonathanMerklin wrote: post #109
ggambetta wrote: post #15

Seeing a therapist might be infinitely better than reading a book, and not just for narcissism. We're all broken in our own wonderful and unique ways. I've been seeing a therapist for 5 years now, and the positive impact this has had in my life and on my general self-awareness can't be overstated. As engineers and tech people we have one tool that has proven incredible useful in our careers: our brilliant rational mi…

Honest question, really trying hard not to word it in a standoffish way: what do you get out of a therapist that can't be obtained from thought or general conversation outside of therapy? I don't think a "brilliant rational mind" is a prerequisite for coming to the conclusion that you're spending money to lock someone in conversation with you - someone that would not associate with you otherwise. To me, the relations…

Is not that a therapist will say or make you see or provide with a new angle to see things.

What a therapist does is to help you to ask and answer questions by yourself. Sometimes just the fact that putting things into words to a stranger is enlightening. A therapist might ask "why do you think you need to reason in terms of money, ROI and investment when talking about relationships?"

How I know this? I'm seeing a therapist too! I see her everyday. I've been married with a psychologist for 15 years now. I've been hearing these kind of questions forever!

Re: Ask HN: How did you fix your narcissism?

#370

Post by [deleted] »

numpad0 wrote: post #43
vanderZwan wrote: post #28

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> As engineers and tech people we have one tool that has proven incredible useful in our careers: our brilliant rational minds. So we tend to think that we can solve any problem in life with this tool. thinking that therapy is somehow beneath us is pure hubris. To add to this: we also tend to think we can correctly assess any problem without external help, but especially when it comes to the "self" this fails. It's k…

That had been my excuse for ignoring my own problems for years so I’d add: If you think you’re insane but also thinking it could be self-mis-diagnosis, no, you are not sane. There is no such inherent contradiction in an ability for a logical system to detect its own anomaly were you one. If it had been a false positive, the fact that a false positive is occurring itself is an anomaly, and an issue.

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