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Ask HN: Hackers falling in love

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Ask HN: Hackers falling in love

#1
I quit my job around six months ago to start my own thing. Thought through a lot of possible distractions, technical/financial blocks, how much runway I had, etc. What wasn't anticipated was meeting someone and falling head over heels. Well, it's a few months later, and I feel a bit like waking up from a dream, but the project seems to be on the right track again, slowly building momentum. But I wonder if I could have done things differently, taken on a different attitude, basically done more in the past few months instead of behaving like a smitten puppy with all the time in the world.

The amount of focus and effort required in building a startup is incredible, but molecular chemistry is a tough adversary that doesn't fight fair. I'm curious how others have dealt with similar situations. Really love to read some war stories. Anyone?

Re: Ask HN: Hackers falling in love

#2
As long as the feelings are mutual and are able to grow beyond the initial smitten stage then nothing wrong with falling head over heels in love.

I've done it, and come through the other side with the love of my life. ^_^

Re: Ask HN: Hackers falling in love

#5
In my experience, money is much easier to find than limerence. Also, limerence is generally relatively short-lived. For the sake of living life, I recommend to young people that they take a 'gap year' of sorts, and that they pursue limerence or 'love'.

Re: Ask HN: Hackers falling in love

#7
The time you've invested in building the relationship will come back as support in the form of a partner telling you to keep pushing even though everyone else thinks you're crazy. No matter how much discipline and confidence you have, it's always great to have the person you love tell you they believe in you.

Re: Ask HN: Hackers falling in love

#8
This is not so much a possibility as an inevitability. Chances are you will fall in love and it will disrupt your life whether you're starting up or doing something else entirely. If you're fortunate, you're new significant other will be a disruptive, yet motivating force. Moving you towards new heights that you had not imagined. But, it's more likely to be a struggle to balance your life's goals with your desire for this new person. Ultimately, you're startup hopes might be replaced by new goals: a family and all that entails.

These things are not mutually exclusive. If you take an all or nothing view, you're being naive. You can have some percentage of a solid relationship and career (whether a startup or something else).

Life is messy. You'll have to decide if your relationship allows you enough time to meet your personal goals and if that even matters. Only you can make this determination.

As for me, I've been with my wife for over 10 years (most of it dating), and... honestly? I think this relationship has had an adverse effect on my goals. I, kind of, think I'd be much more rich and successful had I never met my wife. On the other hand, when she's gone for a weekend, I always think, "I'll get so much done when she's gone"... but, I often end up mired in the "blahs" until she returns. And, honestly...

I think I've slowed down a lot as I've gotten older. I think back on things I accomplished in 3 week coding marathons when I was in college and, while I think I'm a better programmer now... well, I don't repeat those accomplishments. I get more done in less time, but I'm not able to sustain a marathon for multiple weeks. You may be different, or that might be part of getting older.

Ultimately, I've been moderately successful (my business represents the bulk of our income), but not wildly successful. I've come to think less is more... and, I'm happy with that. I doubt I'd be happier single with a larger business and more money.

But that's me...

Re: Ask HN: Hackers falling in love

#9
As a woman who sees these young entrepreneurs in their twenties who routinely put work before relationships, I am sometimes dismayed. I've wondered more than once if their growth as men is being stunted. I suspect the stories of sacrificing love on the altar of your startup and the pain involved in doing so are just the stories you don't hear.

New love and startups have about the same failure rate. No?

Re: Ask HN: Hackers falling in love

#10
post #9

As a woman who sees these young entrepreneurs in their twenties who routinely put work before relationships, I am sometimes dismayed. I've wondered more than once if their growth as men is being stunted. I suspect the stories of sacrificing love on the altar of your startup and the pain involved in doing so are just the stories you don't hear. New love and startups have about the same failure rate. No?

Yes, but when you succeed your start-up takes you to the bank, while your wife takes you to the cleaners ;)
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