The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions • Hacker News Board

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#51

Post by _y5hn » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 5:32 AM UTC

smadge wrote: post #4

sandoooo wrote: post #2

The author misses the point. People are avoiding sensitive questions not because it impacts opinion on average, but because of the rare outliers that ruin it for everybody. It takes just a single asshole reporting you to HR to ruin your life.

I only read the abstract and the first few pages, so my opinion is uninformed. However my first thought was similar to yours. Asking sensitive questions may be moderately positive on average, but occasionally extremely negative.

Until you get to know people, it requires some tact and restraint. The negative reaction indicates the person is yet to know and respect you as peer. A few such apples are to be avoided until the time they see your light.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#52

Post by jacobolus » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 5:33 AM UTC

Yessing wrote: post #45

rcurry wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The worst one for me was the guy who didn’t wash his hands after using the restroom. One day, one of my team members told me about this, and I didn’t believe him, ha ha, so a few days later I’m in the restroom and this guy comes out of a stall and just walks out the door. So about a week later my guy who’d complained about it had some problem with one of our other systems, and who do they send over to help him out? Y…

while the disgust is warranted, I can't help but feel that you've created a toxic culture there. for example, the Keyboard scene, being horrified because someone touched your keyboard is not logical behaviour. In fact, the keyboard is probably more disgusting than the toilet paper. The actions of your employee were not rational. But by validating them you create a mob. "begin sickned/disguested" becomes a behavior of…

You phrased that a lot more gently than I would have. Kudos.

The guy should wash his hands after pooping, but performing a melodrama behind his back based on a pathological fear of unwashed hands seems extremely unprofessional.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#53

Post by _y5hn » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 5:35 AM UTC

vanniv wrote: post #40

sandoooo wrote: post #2

The author misses the point. People are avoiding sensitive questions not because it impacts opinion on average, but because of the rare outliers that ruin it for everybody. It takes just a single asshole reporting you to HR to ruin your life.

True, though it seems like asking sensitive questions is a moderate risk, whereas answering them is the real high-risk activity.

You can always share your opinion as low risk. If you decide, getting feedback may even help!

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#54

Post by apatters » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 5:35 AM UTC

asveikau wrote: post #12

zrkrlc wrote: post #3

Hmm, in my head, I model conversation as a game of who can get the mine the most "intimacy", if you will, while revealing the least about oneself. So risque topics are, as the adjective suggests, high risk, but also high reward. Correspondingly, small talk is a lot of low risk, low reward back-and-forth. You don't have to be intimate with a stranger, but you need to stick your neck out if you want to progress beyond…

Some personal advice: stop viewing your interactions in this transactional way and just be yourself. Stop giving a shit who reveals what and the perceived balance or imbalance of the same. Be kind and be generous.

Some people's brains are wired differently and they are not able to approach relationships in the way that you consider normal. I would submit that usually there is no malice in their analysis and in fact it's very hard to be one of those people because most "normies" will never get you.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#55

Post by OceanSunfish » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 5:36 AM UTC

_y5hn wrote: post #49

mc3 wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Genuine conversations are sometimes risky. Quitting once you have a job secured can be favorable to being fired, for example. Not having genuine conversations is part of the game unfortunately. Most orgs are political.

Most people are sheep and it is unfortunate.

Sheep are rational agents when they are surrounded by wolves.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#56

Post by _y5hn » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 5:42 AM UTC

zrkrlc wrote: post #31

ineedasername wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Trying to get the most out of another while giving little or nothing seems like a strange and rather mercenary way to approach interpersonal interactions. Could you explain how you arrive at this mode of communication?

Well, no. My point was that conversations are not zero-sum games. You produce intimacy via information exchanges, which you both benefit from, though there will always be an information asymmetry between you and your conversation partner. I know analysing social interactions is seen as a rather, if you will forgive the term, "autistic" (or worse, sociopathic) way of looking at things , but some people do not have the…

Nothing wrong with being autistic, but it's just one of many reference points and is no more or less valid than others. Analysing too much loses connection with others.

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#57

Post by _y5hn » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 5:45 AM UTC

vanniv wrote: post #42

asveikau wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some personal advice: stop viewing your interactions in this transactional way and just be yourself. Stop giving a shit who reveals what and the perceived balance or imbalance of the same. Be kind and be generous.

If I were to "just be myself" at work, I would be fired very quickly -- because my self is outside the narrow little band of what is "approved of" in my workplace. Every conversation of a sensitive nature is an opportunity for disaster if not treated with the utmost care not to be "found out"

Doesn't this depend on decency of the people?

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#58

Post by skunkpocalypse » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 5:47 AM UTC

krustyburger wrote: post #16

taneq wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That’s not just seeming insincere and manipulative.

You’re right, of course. But I wonder if the parent is aware other people can detect this sort of thing.

What makes you so sure they can?

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#59

Post by naniwaduni » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 5:51 AM UTC

georgewsinger wrote: post #33

sandoooo wrote: post #2

The author misses the point. People are avoiding sensitive questions not because it impacts opinion on average, but because of the rare outliers that ruin it for everybody. It takes just a single asshole reporting you to HR to ruin your life.

Yep -- a classic "Expected Value is not the only thing that matters, but also one's Risk of Ruin" situation. The counter-argument is this: do we still overestimate our true risk of ruin when it comes to asking sensitive questions? Are we actually going to get fired (or whatever horrendous thing) for not asking that question? I bet the answer is that we still overrate our true probability of ruin when it comes to thes…

It is much safer to overestimate risk than underestimate it!

Re: The Cost of Avoiding Sensitive Questions

#60

Post by _y5hn » Mon, Dec 16, 2019, 5:57 AM UTC

jmccorm wrote: post #25

I've gotten a long ways in my technical career from being able to ask sensitive questions. (In the business environment, I've focused more on them being "critical questions".) It has been really great for me, and I've tried to make it as painless as possible for others. It started simply enough. For real business reasons, there are things that I either needed to know, or I needed to be confident that the other person…

You can ask, prod, show, but still managers and decisionmakers will go ahead and cargo cult, ie. "Agile" and "SAFe". So depends if you are Director or not. This time it'll be different..