Sent this to my wife, we've been talking about having kids but she's still nervous about it. Maybe it's just my personal biases, but he's confirming a lot of what I've long believed about parenthood.
Having Kids
851–860 of 902 posts
Re: Having Kids
#852Earlier quoted context omitted.
Or more simply, it’s because having kids is, on average, the meaning of life. We exist to preserve the specie, everything else is a hobby.
that can be achieved by other means though, through other's children or via longevity
a small percentage of the population can avoid having kids and work a "support role", that's not a new thing. We even codified some of that with priests, monks and nuns. Overall though having kids is the "normal" thing to do and most people do it.
Re: Having Kids
#853Earlier quoted context omitted.
Mostly this just indicates that your model of what 'rights' are is flawed, since it doesn't give the right answer for obviously true statements.
Elaborate on how having kids is moral is “obviously true.”
No, what's obviously true is that it is incorrect to say you do not have a right to have kids. There are, perhaps, other moral issues, but 'having rights' is clearly not one of them.
Re: Having Kids
#854Earlier quoted context omitted.
This sometimes badly backfires on people. You're essentially betting that your first kids will be willing to do this, and will be responsible enough to do a decent job of it. When kids get older it seems fairly common to start fighting over having to look after siblings, as it's a barrier to having friends and studying.
I don't disagree that this is a possibility. I'm sure it happens. In our house, we have a zero-tolerance policy for fighting or rudeness, and we strongly encourage polite problem solving, even with the toddlers. It works well. As for academics, we homeschool and vastly outpace the public school curriculum. For example, my 8 and 10 year olds are using a college Latin textbook. My oldest knows Clojure. It can be done,…
Talk to me after your oldest have been out of the house for a decade.
What works for you will not work for others.
There are plenty of stories out there on /r/raisedbynarcissists from people whose parents expected them to contribute to helping raise their siblings, and they were deeply resentful that they couldn't live the life they wanted.
You made the choice to have 7 kids. Your older kids didn't get a choice when it comes to having to help you with your parental responsibilities.
Re: Having Kids
#855I've always been anti-children, I honestly dislike them. Even when I was one myself. They're loud and unpredictable. And if I were to have one it would be expensive and time consuming. My current GF (I'm in my late 30s, she early 30s) wants children. She changed from "I don't care if I don't" to "I definitely need at least one. So that's an impossible thing to compromise on. And I won't. So I'll leave her to figure i…
Live the life you want, but be as direct and open as you possibly can with your partner if that is your position.
> I'll leave her to figure it out for herself.
The most ethical thing to do would be to force the issue and break up with her. Otherwise, by the time she figures out that you're not going to change your mind and breaks up with you, she'll resent that she wasted time off her biological clock.
I understand that your perspective is "She might change her mind in time, so if I'm happy with her right now, why should I force the issue? That's on her if the status quo doesn't work", but you've already seen the way her mind changed and it's not going in the direction you want. So at this point you're more aware than she is of the reality of the situation.
Do the right thing.
Re: Having Kids
#856Earlier quoted context omitted.
My oldest just graduated from college. Just like childhood, if feels long while you are in it, when it's over it feels like it went fast. But, now I have a young adult that is permanently attached to me in a close and wonderful way for the rest of my life. I wouldn't trade any extra hours of netflix or going out to eat for having my own people. Have as many kids as you are willing/able to have. I had 5. First one is…
I have a 4 year old and a two month old. We’re in a major metropolis, and most couples seem to choose between 0 and 1 kid, but my wife and I have both always said we wanted 3 or more. This was a nice perspective to hear. For the first 2 years of #1’s life, I couldn’t imagine having a second. But the feeling of “that was it, no more kids” only lasted like a month with #2. One thing I’m noticing - I expected the joy to…
That is an interesting way of looking at the relationship connections with "joy" (in a generic manner perhaps?). My kids' interactions with each other certainly add more to our enjoyment than just 5 individual people separately.
Re: Having Kids
#857Earlier quoted context omitted.
Not saying yours does but my wife makes things way harder than they need to be at times. Like dinner. She lets my 2 yr old climb on her and eat her plate instead of his. So her dinner is often ruined. She gives in to his whining for snacks he doesn't need. Other things take way longer for her than me because she doesn't establish ground rules. He's an angel when I change his diaper and when I put him down for bed. He…
Thanks for being open with your experiences. I can't disagree with any of your points. Tough love in parenting is essential part of bringing up kids, and that definitely allow a family to function in a sane manner, and not dictated by wishes of the child. Our kids are on the Autistism Spectrum, and my wife has a genetic disease. She stresses about herself and our kid's future. I stresses about those two items and my…
Yeah that definitely makes it even more challenging then. Thanks for sharing. I'm kind of similar with regard to stress. My problem is I rarely share any stress and I rarely show it, so my wife used to assume I'm never stressed. So sharing more has helped. She then understands why I might need some of my hobby time to maintain a clear mind and sanity. I also try to help her get time away from the kids because I know she needs adult only time. Playing and talking with a toddler and infant all day will wear you down. Does your wife resist time away from the kids? Does she feel guilty when she does?
Re: Having Kids
#858Earlier quoted context omitted.
> for tens of thousands of years mankind spent 80%+ of the day with their offsprings/families/villages For tens of thousands of years kids played with other kids or hanged in the village watched by the older people in the community, while fathers did some guild style job or worked at the fields, and moms cooked and tended the house. They got together to eat and sleep at various points. For less fortunate families, ki…
If you’re living hand-to-mouth, that’s not a great environment for your kids anyway. Not being in that position is privileged, but it’s a privilege shared by all of the middle and upper class in western societies, which is who dominates this readership. Not every comment needs to disclaim its privilege because the author speaks English, is literate, and has access to the internet.
Yeah, but hand-to-mouth is both relative and a continuum. It's not a black-and-white thing. More importantly, perhaps, having a high income and high expenses can lead to similar conditions and stresses as poverty, though, I suppose, it's better than actual poverty.
I wrote an article that touches on aspects of this a while back:
https://likewise.am/2018/12/01/seven-tough-lessons-from-ten-...
I've been doing all this as a single parent, and it's no fun. Most people would readily dismiss this as "not actually a hand-to-mouth existence", and indeed, I'm lucky to have this one and not some worse alternatives. But in terms of spending time with one's child, it can be just as hard.
Re: Having Kids
#859Earlier quoted context omitted.
There are folks saying “it gets better.” I have a different experience I’d share- which is it gets different. I work for a fortune 50 company. I’m about 25 years into my career. Ymmv. You will hit a point in your career where expectations will increase. You’ll be the person folks look to for guidance. There will never be enough hours in a day, and you will increasingly look at your time as the single most valuable co…
Thanks for this comment. I was just about to close the tab, having read over the comments for the past couple days and finding mainly my age with kids my kids age or younger/childfree comments. Yours was the comment I was looking for and I see myself really asking these questions now about time management now. Actually as I type this out, my kids have converged on me in my office to play with random things around. Bu…
>> What did you mean by, "values"? What kind of things should I be be figuring out now that my kids are 4 and 2?
What your life goals are. Identify what your purpose is.
I developed expertise and experienced in a field that was rare. I like what I work on. I knew that I needed to like what I do and find pride in my work.
I also have a long history of creativity. I feel like I will be judged by what I have created. I want to be able to look at tangible things I’ve made as evidence of my contributions to others and of my own creativity. So finishing things is an important value.
I had parents that weren’t great. I feel like I overcame them more than I was helped by them. I found that it is more important for me to mentor my kids than tell them what to do.
I have benefited from mentors. I decided I am obliged to pay that favor forward, even when I feel like a failure.
When you identify your values, it will help you decide what you should be doing. Do I need to take my kids to this appointment? Or can I put it off on family and spend time mentoring? None of the answers are easy, but they’re easier when I consider my alternatives and how they align with my values.
Re: Having Kids
#860Earlier quoted context omitted.
Elaborate on how having kids is moral is “obviously true.”
No, what's obviously true is that it is incorrect to say you do not have a right to have kids. There are, perhaps, other moral issues, but 'having rights' is clearly not one of them.
You can't really say that without substantiating your claim. It follows that you have just about as much of a right to have kids as you do to kill people.