Having Kids • Hacker News Board

Re: Having Kids

#11

Post by nickreese » Sat, Dec 14, 2019, 5:06 PM UTC

Uhh. Just going to chime in here. It is absolutely OK if you don’t experience the emotions he writes about here.

You aren’t broken.

I write this because I read and it immediately messaged a few friends who respect Paul as well asking them if I was broken.

Everyone experiences parenthood differently.

I never had the chemical changes in my brain and often over the past 3 years have realized just how selfish I am when it comes to taking care of the munchkins. There are other things I’d rather be doing, learning, building.

That is OK.

Just because the HN generally respects Paul doesn’t mean that if your experience as a parent doesn’t match his something is wrong.

You are OK and chances are you are a better parent than you think.

Re: Having Kids

#12

Post by mwcampbell » Sat, Dec 14, 2019, 5:06 PM UTC

I wonder if the same chemical switch that he talks about gets flipped if you adopt a child, or marry a single parent and thus become a step-parent. If so, I wonder how young the child has to be for that to happen.

Re: Having Kids

#13

Post by daenz » Sat, Dec 14, 2019, 5:08 PM UTC

>Having kids is one of those intense types of experience that are hard to imagine unless you've had them. But it is not, as I implicitly believed before having kids, simply your DNA heading for the lifeboats.

But it is, because your entire biology has evolved for billions of years with the sole purpose of reproducing effectively. No amount of "I feel like I enjoy it" negates that it is programmed into you as an organism. It just re-enforces how integrated the drive is with your psychology and consciousness.

The negative points from the post:

  * less productive
  * less time for your ideas
  * less ambitious

If you're the type of person for which those points sounds disastrous, don't have kids. Get a pet instead. You can still fulfill that nurturing side of you without having it take a wrecking ball to your productivity.

Re: Having Kids

#14

Post by luckydata » Sat, Dec 14, 2019, 5:08 PM UTC

alasano wrote: post #9

Probably one of the more honest and rational takes on this subject that I've seen. Asking people why they want/wanted kids usually (but not always) results in a loop of they have kids because they wanted kids. Or they want kids because they want kids. Not that's it not a sufficient answer, just that it's different from some "artificial" wants which can be justified more easily. My favorite other simple answers were j…

Or more simply, it’s because having kids is, on average, the meaning of life. We exist to preserve the specie, everything else is a hobby.

Re: Having Kids

#15

Post by alasano » Sat, Dec 14, 2019, 5:10 PM UTC

luckydata wrote: post #14

alasano wrote: post #9

Probably one of the more honest and rational takes on this subject that I've seen. Asking people why they want/wanted kids usually (but not always) results in a loop of they have kids because they wanted kids. Or they want kids because they want kids. Not that's it not a sufficient answer, just that it's different from some "artificial" wants which can be justified more easily. My favorite other simple answers were j…

Or more simply, it’s because having kids is, on average, the meaning of life. We exist to preserve the specie, everything else is a hobby.

Right , that's what I meant by other more "artificial" desires. This one is as natural/biological as it gets and that's why wanting to have them because you want to have them is a perfectly acceptable answer.

Re: Having Kids

#16

Post by jimktrains2 » Sat, Dec 14, 2019, 5:10 PM UTC

A bit of this feels like rose coloured glasses. I don't regret having kids, and I love them to death, and even at 2 and 4, they really are interesting to talk to and interact with! However, they're also at times the worst housemates and worst companions there are. As Graham says, kids take a tremendous amount of time and attention, which can be very frustrating. Kids are possibly the greatest inconvenience one can imagine, maybe even more so.

I think it was a ted talk I watched long ago whose basic premise was that with kids the highs are really high and the lows are really low. It goes on to say that a major component of the lows is that we feel like we shouldn't feel like this because it's not socially acceptable to talk about the negative aides of children. However, if we talked about how frustrating children are, we could help make those lows a bit less low.

Like I said, I don't regret mine, but it definitely not all flowers. I'm not really refuting anything in the essay, as he highlights many of the good parts of parenthood, I do think it's important that we don't look at child rearing with rose coloured glasses. I mean, it _is_ super awesome, but it also _sucks_ too.

Re: Having Kids

#17

Post by sombremesa » Sat, Dec 14, 2019, 5:10 PM UTC

nickreese wrote: post #11

Uhh. Just going to chime in here. It is absolutely OK if you don’t experience the emotions he writes about here. You aren’t broken. I write this because I read and it immediately messaged a few friends who respect Paul as well asking them if I was broken. Everyone experiences parenthood differently. I never had the chemical changes in my brain and often over the past 3 years have realized just how selfish I am when i…

I don't have kids but from what I know about small children they're likely to be a thousand times more selfish than you.

Re: Having Kids

#18

Post by scribu » Sat, Dec 14, 2019, 5:10 PM UTC

nickreese wrote: post #11

Uhh. Just going to chime in here. It is absolutely OK if you don’t experience the emotions he writes about here. You aren’t broken. I write this because I read and it immediately messaged a few friends who respect Paul as well asking them if I was broken. Everyone experiences parenthood differently. I never had the chemical changes in my brain and often over the past 3 years have realized just how selfish I am when i…

Can you explain how being selfish (i.e. wanting to do other things instead of taking care of them) makes you a better parent?

It's not at all obvious.

Re: Having Kids

#19

Post by beilabs » Sat, Dec 14, 2019, 5:12 PM UTC

Thanks for this pg. Scheduled to have two new arrivals in about a months time. Positively shitting it as they are our first arrivals.

I don't think anything will prepare me for what lies ahead, feeling apprehensive, worried but looking forward to it none the less.

I've no idea how I'll manage time for our team in between diaper changes but I'm sure it'll all just work out for the best. Thinking positively.

Re: Having Kids

#20

Post by luckydata » Sat, Dec 14, 2019, 5:12 PM UTC

mwcampbell wrote: post #12

I wonder if the same chemical switch that he talks about gets flipped if you adopt a child, or marry a single parent and thus become a step-parent. If so, I wonder how young the child has to be for that to happen.

It’s not a switch, not in a meaningful way. It’s the time spent together that forms the bond. I don’t love my kid because I had sex to have him, I do because I taught him how to walks and speak, go to the toilet and play with marbles and had all kinds of fun in the process. I love him because every time I show him something new, or I let him have a spoon of my coffee (he loves it) there’s a wide smile appearing on his face followed by “I love you daddy”. Its the most validating, gratifying experience I had in my life, even if it’s a pain in the ass and I’d rather watch tv or tinker in the garage instead of sitting on the bleachers of this gym while he practices somersaults. If I adopted him it would be largely the same thing.