Having Kids • Hacker News Board

Re: Having Kids

#811

Post by grepfru_it » Sun, Dec 15, 2019, 4:24 PM UTC

lordnacho wrote: post #269

triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

Your kids are at the age before school where they are the hardest to deal with. Once a kid gets to school, magic happens. I mean it. - They get tired from learning stuff. And the teachers know how to deal with them. - They learn how to behave in a group. They start having actual friends. - You get a bunch of friends who are in the same situation as you, and you can use their kids to cancel out yours. (AKA playdates)…

> They learn how to behave in a group.

See this with my LO from going to daycare. Mob mentality is real, at home can't get a nap to save our lives.. at daycare napping at 12pm like clockwork.

Also the book thing is real, when my phone is off limits a book becomes the next fantasy reality for kids. For everyone reading, keep giving your toddlers something to do other than your phone. Everything is a teaching opportunity, and you are teaching them how to keep themselves preoccupied. Books, gadgets, legos, matchbox cars.. whatever, their imagination takes off exponentially once they hit 2

Re: Having Kids

#812

Post by 7thaccount » Sun, Dec 15, 2019, 4:29 PM UTC

underwater wrote: post #610

7thaccount wrote: post #585

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My kid is in that age range and I'm going through the same thing as you. I wake up at 4AM, walk the dog, get to work before 7 AM (some days as early as 5:30), work until 4 PM, get home at 5 PM, play with kid and eat dinner, get kid ready for bed and read to them, and then I have 30 min - 1 hour before going to bed. By this time I'm exhausted and when I try to do anything technical fall asleep 10 minutes in. Our weeke…

If you are working and commuting 10 - 12 hours a day it doesn't seem fair to blame your kid for lack of time.

I'd never blame my child and it isn't their fault.

Before they were born I had time to work out, put in more hours at work, go to movies and out to dinner regularly, time to read...etc. I now fill all that previous time with them. I don't regret it (not one bit). It does take a while to get used to though.

Re: Having Kids

#813

Post by gist » Sun, Dec 15, 2019, 4:47 PM UTC

Cougher wrote: post #773

gist wrote: post #344

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Older guy with advice here. Spend as much time as you can preparing financially for the future. Your kids when they get older will care more about what you have done and what you can do for them and forget the fact that you missed spending time with them for honestly what are trivial events (while that may be true in some cases it's also I feel a myth created by writers and Hollywood and certain 'whiners' where it ma…

Another older guy here. I can barely wrap my head around how much I disagree with this comment. Spend your focus on acquiring money for your kids leads to kids who want money from you. Spend your focus on giving love to your kids leads to kids who want love from you.

> Spend your focus on acquiring money for your kids leads to kids who want money from you.

I didn't say that that. And nothing wrong with kids who want money from their parents. It does not mean that they are worthless in their own right. I deal with many people (in what I do) who have very wealthy parents. And despite the stereotype they are not living off their parents but sure they take advantage of the things that money can buy. They are actually (the ones that I deal with) really nice people. Some of them have funded multiple startups and have well known names. I have been paid for what I do by their 'family offices'. But honestly they are really great people in how they operate (with me anyway). They don't appear to have the same 'dog eat dog' way of operating that some hard scrabble people have. This is all anecdotal but what I have found (and it surprised me). A few of them got into 'the good schools' as a result of money their parents gave to those schools (I am pretty sure).

Also what is particularly ironic in this entire thread and your comment is that everything revolves around the kids and not the parent and any of their needs.

Also ironic is the fact that the only reason that anyone is commenting in this thread is because the post was an essay by Paul Graham who surprise surprise 'is successful and has money'. And one of my points is what Paul can do for his kids because of the success and money that he has. Not to mention that people will listen to what he says as well and honestly drool over every single morsel of advice he gives as if it's more special in some way than what you say (as 'older guy') or what I say. [1]

> Spend your focus on giving love to your kids leads to kids who want love from you.

I dated a girl once whose father was a school teacher. He sat in the basement when he got home early from school and watched movies on the VCR. He watched so many movies that he wore the machines out (and as an 'older guy' you remember things were built pretty well, eh?). Anyway I remember her saying to me something like 'Honestly he gives us all the time and attention but I wish he made more money'. In short she kind of thought of his as a 'loser'. He was always there for the kids but was not able to provide a living that kept them up with their friends. (And keep in mind he had a solid job and wasn't an addict or criminal etc.).

[1] And you know this is the case. And it's not like he has some superior angle on parenting that he does on what he is an expert in. Right? It's just interesting because of his 'fame' with the other things that he has done.

Re: Having Kids

#814

Post by gist » Sun, Dec 15, 2019, 5:00 PM UTC

otikik wrote: post #385

gist wrote: post #344

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Older guy with advice here. Spend as much time as you can preparing financially for the future. Your kids when they get older will care more about what you have done and what you can do for them and forget the fact that you missed spending time with them for honestly what are trivial events (while that may be true in some cases it's also I feel a myth created by writers and Hollywood and certain 'whiners' where it ma…

Just a word of warning here: my dad thinks along similar lines. He's extremely self-centered. Anything good that happens to him is his doing, and anything bad is someone else's fault. And he has zero empathy. After he had his third affair and my mother divorced him, my my brothers and I gradually cut ties with him. He is just not pleasant to be around. He doesn't understand this. He thinks he is "owned" some love, af…

> my dad thinks along similar lines.

I can't begin to imagine how what I said relates to what your experience was (which I am sorry to hear about).

Just because people share some things in common obviously does not make them the same or make a point of view incorrect.

It's like saying 'well my Dad was a hunter as well and he was a lousy father so therefore being a hunter is bad' (Not sure the name of this but I am sure someone will fill in the blanks for the concept).

Re: Having Kids

#815

Post by raducu » Sun, Dec 15, 2019, 5:05 PM UTC

seanhandley wrote: post #302

basilisks wrote: post #282

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thank you for this. My son is 2 and legally blind, so needless to say we have no life outside of him for now, but he is a joy. I would trade none of this for nothing. Often I feel like I will never again be able to have a life, read a book, finish a project, have an idea. I know that it gets better and that I should cherish the moments we have while he is so young (and I do), but it’s hard to see more than a foot in…

Our son is profoundly autistic and will probably need care all his life. He's 4 now and I wouldn't change him for the world, but it's taken 4 years to really come to terms with his condition and our ongoing role as parents and carers.

I'm sure you are doing everything for him, and I've ran into an autism scare for 7-8 months with my daughter and I've read quite a lot(intervention options and books for parents). Anyway, the guy hosting a 3 day course/workshop described and showed proof of his son intensive ABA intervention which started age 5 to 7 which culminated to his son making a full "recovery" -- I know this only applies to 50% of the cases.

Re: Having Kids

#816

Post by eanzenberg » Sun, Dec 15, 2019, 5:07 PM UTC

triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

2 kids (3 and 2months old). Since having our first, combination 3 new jobs, 3 international vacations, countless domestic travel and daytrips, both working and continuing to progress in both careers. My comp has grown ~3x while my wife ~50% (2 mat leaves). We both learn more now than we ever dedicated to before having kids.

Let me know if you want to chat offline.

Re: Having Kids

#817

Post by raducu » Sun, Dec 15, 2019, 5:10 PM UTC

topkai22 wrote: post #654

endymi0n wrote: post #441

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can jump in at being just a year apart from GP, mine are 3 and 5 now and it's already starting to get better massively. Having them so close to each other makes for some extremely hard first 2-3 years, but then they can actually relate to each other one and play together, which works out nicely. Kids tend to be cutest from 3-5, so sit back and enjoy as much as you can, the time will come back — I'll confess I'm mos…

I can concur- we have got to the 3 and 5 stage and then choose to have another. That one year while they were both pre-school age was glorious, the kids were getting so much easier. Now we are back to never having time again. For me the one of the best things about having kids is that they give me so much perspective. I might have had a great day or an awful day at work, but no matter what I’m feeling I still have to…

Can I ask what your age is? My wife and I are 36 and age is one reason I'm not as keen as my wife on having another child.

Re: Having Kids

#818

Post by haxorito » Sun, Dec 15, 2019, 5:11 PM UTC

After giving a lot of thoughts I made a decided I will never have my own children. Which is probably very unfortunate for my family line as I’m the only child. I looked at the world we share and decided that it would be best thing I can do. What right do I have to bring another life to this world? I didn’t ask to exist, my parents made decision I wasn’t part of, I can’t do the same to someone else. I don’t see us having a higher purpose to exists... No one exist for a reason, we all die alone, best thing I can do is to take this world for a ride, and don’t make a mistake my parents did.

Don’t get me wrong! I’m happy for OP and everyone who has kids. It’s just me and my personal POV

Re: Having Kids

#819

Post by raducu » Sun, Dec 15, 2019, 5:13 PM UTC

lordnacho wrote: post #269

triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

Your kids are at the age before school where they are the hardest to deal with. Once a kid gets to school, magic happens. I mean it. - They get tired from learning stuff. And the teachers know how to deal with them. - They learn how to behave in a group. They start having actual friends. - You get a bunch of friends who are in the same situation as you, and you can use their kids to cancel out yours. (AKA playdates)…

Sleep before 8pm?

Is that even possible?(my daughter is almost 2 and not yet in daycare, which means she never goes to her night sleeps before 11pm).

Re: Having Kids

#820

Post by MattRix » Sun, Dec 15, 2019, 5:17 PM UTC

haxorito wrote: post #818

After giving a lot of thoughts I made a decided I will never have my own children. Which is probably very unfortunate for my family line as I’m the only child. I looked at the world we share and decided that it would be best thing I can do. What right do I have to bring another life to this world? I didn’t ask to exist, my parents made decision I wasn’t part of, I can’t do the same to someone else. I don’t see us hav…

You could easily make the opposite argument: what right do you have to not bring another life into this world? After all, the vast majority of humans alive right now would rather exist than not exist!