My wife is going to give birth in a few days. Yet I experience everything PG writes before he has children. I dread it. I'm afraid that it would hurt my project. I don't like my experence with children. It is the best time for me to read this essay.
Having Kids
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Re: Having Kids
#792Earlier quoted context omitted.
-Do go on vacations with your kids. You are investing in having them travel with you in the future, and liking it. You can do it! Just give them tasks and treat them with respect. -Ignore the kids menu. It's shit. Just order off the regular menu and share with your kids. -Some kids are hard to raise, some are easy. You will probably have both if you many more than 1. C'est la vie. -If you're like me and value time, g…
You should most definitely not take them on vacation and traveling. You are already forcing them to live their adult lives in a world wrecked by climate change, no need to hasten the demise even faster. Stay at home and teach them skills useful in their future, like growing crops and repairing failing machinery.
Traveling expands horizons and gets people out of their bubbles. The world would be a much better, less hostile place if we could all experience other cultures firsthand from time to time.
Re: Having Kids
#793Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…
I became completely disinterested in my career and decided to make a career change.
Re: Having Kids
#794Oh god, let's get at least a little bit sciency about having kids. There are no serious chemical changes in men, only in women to a) deal with and forget the pain of child birth and b) form a bond with the child. Men are dreadful of having kids because they fear of having to support them, they are sort of tricked by women and pressured by peers, society, government to do it. Some men can find enjoyment and fulfillment in raising children of course, but it's much harder if they have to worry about providing for them.
Re: Having Kids
#795I don't have kids. However, I teach up to 18 hours a day with children of various ages. I've done this for 22 years. I also have been the de facto babysitter for my family since I was 14. Kids in my home almost constantly. The #1 thing I've learned is that kids love to help, . If you are busy and shush them away then they'll cause havoc. Involve them ever so slightly and you can continue your task. Realizing this was…
I do this often with my little humans and we're doin great. But there are caveats:
1. If you cannot priorize having fun and teaching your children over the actual thing you are doing, you gonna have a bad time. Filling the dishwasher with a 2 yr old? You will spend 45 min on it while laughing 10 times, having a heart attack two times and maybe break a chip off a plate or break a cup now and then. Of course you can do it alone in 15 minutes if you could get rid of him/her... As soon as you get frustrated by the slowness and just want the task done you've lost. There is no task for you other than to teach them and you need to incorporate your daily chores into this task. This is of course fuckin' hard and sometimes impossible and a great source of frustration, shouting and regret.
2. Kids add a time multiplier for everything you do together and for he first 4 years it's gonna be less than one. After that there is an ever incerasing chance for them to be actually useful and reduce the time needed for a task. But the catch is : if you let them empty and fill the dishwasher regularly at 2 yr old and endure the long task they will help later on and you will benefit. If you don't they won't be interested in helping when they are 6,8,12 years old and their help would actually make a difference.
Re: Having Kids
#796Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…
You are not alone. I also do have serious imposter syndrome. Not about work but about not being a good enough father. But as with work imposter syndrome, my head knows I am probably ok, it is meant to be hard. But I feel guilty for any time I spend on my computer and not playing with the kids. However I always wonder how these robot parents do it, those that seem to be able to raise 4 kids, time to volunteer for PTA…
Have you tried getting a babysitter so you can go out at night and socialize? It’s expensive, yes, but well worth it.
Re: Having Kids
#797Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…
As a father of 4 year old twins, all I can say is that you have described my life. We also bought a fixer upper when our kids were about 2 years old. I have nothing to contribute other than an upvote, and a plan to read through the comments in this thread. Life is hard. I feel beat down and depressed a lot. I would also love some words of wisdom. All I can contribute to this discuss is that I can relate. My kids (and…
You aren’t broken. It’s helpful to remember that suffering is relative, so what other people go through is irrelevant to your current situation. We are all on our own individual paths.
My advice is to do less.
It sounds like you are trying to do too much stuff. Why? You are trading off being in a good head space with your kids when they are young to do what? Fix a house?
It’s not worth it. Nothing is worth it. You can buy a new house, you can’t buy back time with your kids.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed like this I make a list and prioritize it ruthlessly. This happens so often that I make a list daily.
Anything outside of the top 5 or so priorities, I ignore or delegage.
Oh and if you don’t like working on the house then stop doing it. Improving the house is going to have a marginal improvement. Use your time on things that are going to have a bigger impact.
Re: Having Kids
#798Two kids here. And two things after I read:
One:
The greatest hat tips to the maker's schedule (building or writing anything) while having kids is the trust and support of your partner knowing you introvertly struggle. Hobbies, software, whatever.
Without this, it would be unlikely I could still create while raising.
Two:
One phrase used by me is "the moments." I believe he used this one as well. Moments happen at all ages. With your children. But also new moments of extreme empathy such as connecting with others with children (and their struggles and moments).
Re: Having Kids
#799Earlier quoted context omitted.
First off I agree with you about the parent’s comment. Second of all the cost of living thing makes no sense. People throughout all of time were poorer and had more kids, and people tend to have less kids during this time period when they have more advantages. The notion that one “needs” a certain amount of wealth to have kids is actually an expression of values: some minimum material baseline that is arbitrary from…
Well we shouldn't compare across all history to look at families that lived in abject squalor compared to today with atrocious infant mortality rates. We should compare to recent history, such as the economic conditions experienced by the greatest/silent generation, baby boomers, and Gen X before reaching our current economic scenario where aging millenials and older gen-Z folks are putting off having children. Look…
I am not passing judgement on your values.
I am just inviting you to see it is a value judgement you are making, not one someone is making for you.
What Boomers might have had in the past is not directly relevant to the quality of life you are or are not able to provide for yourself or your children, any more than a zillion other possible comparisons.
What you are expressing seems to be that you have a certain value about economic position and having kids relative to that.
This is absolutely fine. I just think it is important to recognize it is a statement of values with regard to your circumstances, and your expectations.
When the generations you mention had kids many things in the world were so catastrophically worse for those kids than anything we are likely to experience now ... it was a smoke and alcohol fueled world where muggings often involved hospitalization because someone would hit you in the skull with a roll of quarters from behind. It was a world that had every reason to believe the risk of total annihilation by war, and medical treatments were primitive by comparison to what we had now.
It’s pointless to compare to some other time in history. It’s just a personal decision about what you value.
Re: Having Kids
#800I don't have kids. However, I teach up to 18 hours a day with children of various ages. I've done this for 22 years. I also have been the de facto babysitter for my family since I was 14. Kids in my home almost constantly. The #1 thing I've learned is that kids love to help, . If you are busy and shush them away then they'll cause havoc. Involve them ever so slightly and you can continue your task. Realizing this was…
> kids love to help [ ... ] Involve them ever so slightly and you can continue your task. I think it can be a mindset or awareness thing, but some people are also resistant to involving anyone else in their stuff. It requires having an attitude where you believe others might have have something worthwhile to contribute, and it requires exercising faith in that person. And thinking through how they might contribute an…
Great insight and I agree. I would add that you don't need to believe your child have something to contribute to involve him/her.
They are little brats and don't know shit, they get discracted by anything and so clumsy they are dangerous to themselves! I'm talking about 1 to 3 years old.
You have to involve them so they can have a chance to learn and grow. You are the most important, strongest, knowledgeable person in they little world and they want to be part in everything you do. How could one be so heartless to ignore this most basic and pure need and not involve them in everything? :) Part of parenting is dancing on that fine edge where they can excel, want more, able to fail and try again without hurting themselves too much and develop their skills and interest in a safe environment.