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Having Kids

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids

#351

Post by watwut »

atdrummond wrote: post #166
thdrdt wrote: post #155

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What almost always bothers me about Paul's essays is that he includes 'facts' like they apply to everyone. This is why I don't like most of his eesays. For example: "..but having kids may make one less ambitious.". It might apply to Paul but I have never been more ambitious since I had kids. In his next sentences he almost makes us feeling guilty for it because "..you're probably going to care more about them than yo…

With the qualifiers (“may”, “probably”) provided I’m not sure I see him as offering any absolutes, at least in your quoted passages.

Weasel words.

Re: Having Kids

#352

Post by watwut »

psim1 wrote: post #62

I regret reading this essay because now the discouragement is back. I have wanted children; my wife has not. I am determined not to force the issue as she would be the one undertaking most of the burden, and why should I cause her to resent me? So I made peace with it, but every time something like this comes up I am torn again.

Is there a way to make them more burden for you then her outside of pregnancy? If no, why not?

Re: Having Kids

#354

Post by drcongo »

xwowsersx wrote: post #182
sanj wrote: post #164

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It gets better. Way better. Last night I explained quicksort to one kid. Now we are designing cards to laser cut. The kids get interesting and independent quicker than you might imagine. The days are long, but the years are fast.

> The days are long, but the years are fast. So true!

The most true, and also beautiful sentence ever posted to HN.

Re: Having Kids

#355

Post by asdff »

triceratops wrote: post #312
burlesona wrote: post #70

I agree with this a lot. I was pretty anti-kid, not in the sense that I didn’t want them ever, but that I didn’t want them “any time soon.” My wife was this way too, until one day she wasn’t. I still felt pretty ambivalent about the whole thing until our first was born. Children really are interesting, and really do fill life with all kinds of quietly wonderful moments. We live in San Francisco, which is very hilly.…

> Cars, in particular, are terrible for kids They're the number 1 killer of children in the US. They are objectively terrible for kids.

Especially the SUV. Virtually unsurvivable.

Re: Having Kids

#356

Post by throwawaypa123 »

75dvtwin wrote: post #226

One clear change that happened with me, once having a child -- is that I understood my Dad much more. I understood what made him upset, and I understood how he reacted and why... I started showing same behavioral traits as him. But it was only after I had our first child. Stuff that I took for granted when my Dad was doing it, now I understood, was actually meant to take an effort, on behalf of a parent. Unfortunatel…

That's my concern, I never want to become my father given my own painful upbringing.

Even further, I worry that if i ever have kids i'd have to distance myself from parents as I do not approve on how they live or manage their lives. As their child i can manage via effective boundaries and I'm able to ignore their stupidity.

If i ever have kids though, they will want to be part of their lives and I can't really say no and keep their delusions alive.

They think they did a good job raising me and they would use that as an argument and I would never want to enlighten them with what i really feel.

i wouldn't want them parenting my kids like they did me

they love/loved me but love isn't enough. i do care deeply for them, but i do not respect their judgement.

Re: Having Kids

#357

Post by perlgeek »

opportune wrote: post #216

Question to people with kids: if you could do it again, would you do it at a different time of your life? Personally I’d like to wait until I’m in my mid 30s for some of the reasons Paul mentions: you have less time outside of work to do other things once you have kids. Seems like being a founder or even just trying to advance aggressively in a standard career is a lot harder if you have dependents. There’s also two…

I was 27/30 when my two kids were born, and don't regret it.

I do remember having the wish to have children, and thinking "not yet".

And somebody I respected told me "it's never the perfect time to have children".

There's a tendency towards thinking that, whatever your current situation might be, there might be a better time.

I finished my degree, moved in with my girlfriend of several years, and started a PhD program. I considered waiting with procreation until I finished the program, but decided the time was good enough. Sure, having a PhD and a well-paying job would be even more awesome, but even then I might have wanted to wait for that next promotion around the corner, or owning a house, or whatever.

There's never the perfect time to have kids. If you want kids, ask yourself: is it good enough now?

Re: Having Kids

#358

Post by PunchTornado »

User23 wrote: post #224
SubuSS wrote: post #198

One thing that I don't see much discussion on is a single income setup. My wife was employed when our daughter was born (oh lord 13 years ago) but we had hired help (this was in India - that was a very affordable option). Eventually she decided to stay at home because she wanted more family time and quite possibly that's the best thing that ever happened to our family. Suddenly all of us had time and the luxury of on…

In my observation a single income setup is some kind of local optimum. I've never met a full time homemaker who thinks she's getting a raw deal. It is a real job that requires an exceptional level of responsibility, creativity, and effort, but it's one that is extremely financially and emotionally rewarding. When I ask they all say, essentially, "We didn't want work just to hire someone else to raise our children for…

>I've never met a full time homemaker who thinks she's getting a raw deal

Until the kids grow and you get into a really vulnerable position. No job, less skills, no retirement funds, less connections and more dependent on your spouse (which sometimes can easily forget you sacrificed your career)

Re: Having Kids

#359

Post by bgonnab »

Breeders gonna breed. And then forcefully tell everyone else how empty and meaningless lives are without children.

We get it. You had kids. So did like eight thousand people - yesterday.

Good lord parents’ lives are so boring that they spend their time fantasizing about a world where it’s actually fun it have children. Lol

Re: Having Kids

#360

Post by AlexCoventry »

sneak wrote: post #113
daenz wrote: post #13

>Having kids is one of those intense types of experience that are hard to imagine unless you've had them. But it is not, as I implicitly believed before having kids, simply your DNA heading for the lifeboats. But it is, because your entire biology has evolved for billions of years with the sole purpose of reproducing effectively. No amount of "I feel like I enjoy it" negates that it is programmed into you as an organ…

> But it is, because your entire biology has evolved for billions of years with the sole purpose of reproducing effectively. No amount of "I feel like I enjoy it" negates that it is programmed into you as an organism. It just re-enforces how integrated the drive is with your psychology and consciousness. I don’t think it’s programmed into me. I am actively repulsed by children, the thought of reproducing, the concept…

It depends on what you count as biologically programmed, I think. Certainly there's a great deal of cultural programming driving people to reproduce, which is a kind of software programming, even though it's much more malleable than a hardwired instinct would be.
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