Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Having Kids

paulgraham.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

251–260 of 902 posts

Re: Having Kids

#251

Post by aklemm »

shantly wrote: post #222
triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

Having young kids is like working 80 hour weeks. In fact it basically is that, just at two jobs rather than one. Plus you spend a lot more time keeping house, on top of it. Most people don't have much left to give working those kinds of hours. Personally, I've had to dramatically cut back on hobbies and keeping up with various media, even, and all but drop some categories (I bet I spend 5% as much time gaming as I us…

That...hits home. I could've written the same thing.

Re: Having Kids

#252

Post by sdnlafkjh34rw »

casion wrote: post #34

I don't have kids. However, I teach up to 18 hours a day with children of various ages. I've done this for 22 years. I also have been the de facto babysitter for my family since I was 14. Kids in my home almost constantly. The #1 thing I've learned is that kids love to help, . If you are busy and shush them away then they'll cause havoc. Involve them ever so slightly and you can continue your task. Realizing this was…

There's a good npr article talking about how to use this quality to get kids to help with chores:https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2018/06/09/6169288...

Re: Having Kids

#254

Post by brightball »

zackmorris wrote: post #244

I'm curious about how to have kids in the face of failure. My truth is that I'm caught in a turbulent stream of life where I can have anything I want except success. It's a strange feeling to have time or money (but never both). To have freedom or love (but never both). And so on and so forth. If my definition of success is to have both of something, and my life is already half over, the evidence doesn't point to tha…

You also get to define what success means to you. For a lot of people, success means having a happy home and good friends.

Attaching success to finances is where things start to skew because no matter how much you have, you can always have more. It’s something that people take for granted in a country where we are all in the top 1% of the world...by birth.

Remember, money isn’t the root of all evil. The love of money is.

Re: Having Kids

#255

Post by newnewpdro »

User23 wrote: post #224
SubuSS wrote: post #198

One thing that I don't see much discussion on is a single income setup. My wife was employed when our daughter was born (oh lord 13 years ago) but we had hired help (this was in India - that was a very affordable option). Eventually she decided to stay at home because she wanted more family time and quite possibly that's the best thing that ever happened to our family. Suddenly all of us had time and the luxury of on…

In my observation a single income setup is some kind of local optimum. I've never met a full time homemaker who thinks she's getting a raw deal. It is a real job that requires an exceptional level of responsibility, creativity, and effort, but it's one that is extremely financially and emotionally rewarding. When I ask they all say, essentially, "We didn't want work just to hire someone else to raise our children for…

> I've never met a full time homemaker who thinks she's getting a raw deal.

Until the nest empties, and they have no retirement funds or worthwhile employment options to speak of. If the breadwinner turns out to be more of a jerk than realized amidst the business of raising children, and maybe the homemaker learns by this time they've actually been exploited as a low-cost servant all this time, expected to continue in that capacity until death, then it can start feeling like a very raw deal all too late, now feeling trapped in it as well.

A good friend's parents went through this, it was a few years of family crisis with the homemaker living with relatives wanting a divorce while she slowly had to accept there's effectively no other option financially; go home and sleep in the bed you didn't realize you were making.

Kids are a very effective diversion for setting this trap, men have been doing this to women for ages. At least now women can get jobs and delay having kids until after a career with some retirement savings and marketable skills development.

Re: Having Kids

#256

Post by nappy-doo »

opportune wrote: post #216

Question to people with kids: if you could do it again, would you do it at a different time of your life? Personally I’d like to wait until I’m in my mid 30s for some of the reasons Paul mentions: you have less time outside of work to do other things once you have kids. Seems like being a founder or even just trying to advance aggressively in a standard career is a lot harder if you have dependents. There’s also two…

I recommend you have kids as early as you can, but no earlier. You don't understand until you have children, but your life is divided in two: the time before you have kids and the time after. You don't know this, but you actually want more time with your kids, but you won't know this until you have them.

I would have had them earlier (I had 'em at 34 and 37) if I could do it again. Probably like 30-32 if I could.

Re: Having Kids

#258

Post by daxfohl »

So my experience was the opposite. I came in expecting this great "chemical change" where suddenly the world revolved around my kids and their future.

Well the latter part is true: my world now revolves around them and their futures. But chemical change? No. It's just the responsibility I have now. There's never a break. It's all-encompassing. I mean, it's survivable, I can deal with it, and I do the best I can, but, while it's certainly not PC to say, I regret it. I thought it would be great, and it's not.

What would I be doing so much better with my time had I not had kids? I don't know. Probably nothing. But it doesn't change the fact. I was happier before.

This article made me angry. That's great that Paul has such a wonderful experience. I'm happy for him. But don't act like you can speak for everyone.

Re: Having Kids

#259

Post by cjken »

Kids also help ease existential dread. Life is big and heavy, even without kids. And I think these days, lots of people try and find purpose through their work (forgoing or delaying kids), but I’m not sure that‘s the most direct path. Kids answer the big question of “why am I here” in a way that nothing else can. I often wonder if we’re programmed for it to be so.

Re: Having Kids

#260

Post by ta09876 »

zackmorris wrote: post #244

I'm curious about how to have kids in the face of failure. My truth is that I'm caught in a turbulent stream of life where I can have anything I want except success. It's a strange feeling to have time or money (but never both). To have freedom or love (but never both). And so on and so forth. If my definition of success is to have both of something, and my life is already half over, the evidence doesn't point to tha…

You can have money and time if you have a massive amount of money. But you don't need that much money to have an enjoyable & meaningful life. Most people have to work.

You can't have love and freedom both, by definition. Love means giving a part of you to someone else.

The drug isn't having children, the drug is dedicating yourself to the service of something outside of yourself. That could be children, or other things.

Post reply on HN