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Having Kids

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids

#51

Post by bjornlouser »

philwelch wrote: post #32
daenz wrote: post #13

>Having kids is one of those intense types of experience that are hard to imagine unless you've had them. But it is not, as I implicitly believed before having kids, simply your DNA heading for the lifeboats. But it is, because your entire biology has evolved for billions of years with the sole purpose of reproducing effectively. No amount of "I feel like I enjoy it" negates that it is programmed into you as an organ…

Do you like food? Or sex? Or being at a comfortable temperature? Because those are all programmed into you as an organism, too. Do you enjoy social status? Accomplishing goals? Material prosperity? Same deal. You are an organism and all of your root-level desires and goals are programmed into you by an evolutionary process of self-replicating genes and ideas. You’re not an immaterial ghost of rationality haunting a m…

Where's the beef!?!

Re: Having Kids

#52

Post by mistermann »

Jolter wrote: post #22
scribu wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can you explain how being selfish (i.e. wanting to do other things instead of taking care of them) makes you a better parent? It's not at all obvious.

That's not what he wrote.

Not exactly, but my take was similar, that he seemed to be implying that it doesn't make you a "worse" parent.

Specifically:

> I never had the chemical changes in my brain and often over the past 3 years have realized just how selfish I am when it comes to taking care of the munchkins. There are other things I’d rather be doing, learning, building. That is OK.

Had he said "That is OK, provided your partner is also ok with it of course." I would have a different interpretation.

Re: Having Kids

#53

Post by pfortuny »

nickreese wrote: post #11

Uhh. Just going to chime in here. It is absolutely OK if you don’t experience the emotions he writes about here. You aren’t broken. I write this because I read and it immediately messaged a few friends who respect Paul as well asking them if I was broken. Everyone experiences parenthood differently. I never had the chemical changes in my brain and often over the past 3 years have realized just how selfish I am when i…

Never mistake feeling with wanting. This is such a great mistake.

Virtue is exactly what allows you to behave further that your feelings.

Re: Having Kids

#54

Post by imgabe »

daenz wrote: post #13

>Having kids is one of those intense types of experience that are hard to imagine unless you've had them. But it is not, as I implicitly believed before having kids, simply your DNA heading for the lifeboats. But it is, because your entire biology has evolved for billions of years with the sole purpose of reproducing effectively. No amount of "I feel like I enjoy it" negates that it is programmed into you as an organ…

And yet if you look at some of the highest achieving people, many of them have kids. Presidents have kids. CEOs have kids. Billionaires and movie stars have kids. Nobel prize winners have kids. Not all of them, but many. A key part is probably having a spouse who is willing to do a larger share of the childcare, but kids do not seem to be a disqualifying factor for achieving just about anything.

Re: Having Kids

#55

Post by luckydata »

lukethomas wrote: post #25
bcrosby95 wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah I didn't have that instant flip. But after about 6-9 months, when they become increasingly interactive I started to enjoy it more. Before then it was more a sense of duty to help this tiny thing survive.

I experienced similar. My son is 16 months, and it's gotten way more fun.

The way I explain it to my non-dads male coworkers, 1 to 18 months is mommy time and you’re there to help, but month 19 and forward is all daddy time until they’re 15 and they hate you. You’re literally the coolest person on earth for them. I like being a superhero.

Re: Having Kids

#57

Post by axaxs »

nickreese wrote: post #11

Uhh. Just going to chime in here. It is absolutely OK if you don’t experience the emotions he writes about here. You aren’t broken. I write this because I read and it immediately messaged a few friends who respect Paul as well asking them if I was broken. Everyone experiences parenthood differently. I never had the chemical changes in my brain and often over the past 3 years have realized just how selfish I am when i…

Out of curiosity, how old are you? I was much more selfish and 'go go go' in my 20s. In my mid thirties now and mellowed a lot. I find parenting a joy now, but think I would have hated it 10 years ago.

Re: Having Kids

#58

Post by buboard »

luckydata wrote: post #14
alasano wrote: post #9

Probably one of the more honest and rational takes on this subject that I've seen. Asking people why they want/wanted kids usually (but not always) results in a loop of they have kids because they wanted kids. Or they want kids because they want kids. Not that's it not a sufficient answer, just that it's different from some "artificial" wants which can be justified more easily. My favorite other simple answers were j…

Or more simply, it’s because having kids is, on average, the meaning of life. We exist to preserve the specie, everything else is a hobby.

that can be achieved by other means though, through other's children or via longevity

Re: Having Kids

#59

Post by theli0nheart »

sombremesa wrote: post #17
nickreese wrote: post #11

Uhh. Just going to chime in here. It is absolutely OK if you don’t experience the emotions he writes about here. You aren’t broken. I write this because I read and it immediately messaged a few friends who respect Paul as well asking them if I was broken. Everyone experiences parenthood differently. I never had the chemical changes in my brain and often over the past 3 years have realized just how selfish I am when i…

I don't have kids but from what I know about small children they're likely to be a thousand times more selfish than you.

I have kids and what I’ve learned and noticed is that kids are, unsurprisingly, just like people, and there are selfish ones, and not so selfish ones. Generalizations don’t really work with people, or kids, because kids are people.

Re: Having Kids

#60

Post by pacala »

daenz wrote: post #13

>Having kids is one of those intense types of experience that are hard to imagine unless you've had them. But it is not, as I implicitly believed before having kids, simply your DNA heading for the lifeboats. But it is, because your entire biology has evolved for billions of years with the sole purpose of reproducing effectively. No amount of "I feel like I enjoy it" negates that it is programmed into you as an organ…

Our biology is what survived billions of years of culling out beings with insufficient skill or will to live.
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