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Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

improveyoursocialskills.com

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Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#281

Post by jimmaswell »

ljm wrote: post #180
rollerboi wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've been working on this since I noticed it in myself a few years back. It's really difficult because I'm the "problem-solver," but I'm also the person that people want to vent to. So I've come to realize - After a friend/coworker shares something that they're sad/angry about, my standard MO is: 1) Say something like "Wow, that must really feel terrible. I'm sorry to hear that!" (I always feel the need to add more t…

I’m a coach in training and question number 3 there is a powerful question. That’s a really great question to ask because you’re not getting involved in the topic, you’re not giving them ideas, and you’re not working through it for them. The others are too nuanced to easily explain, but “what are you going to do with that,” is a fucking fantastic question when a friend confides in you. You’re right that this requires…

"My car's been having trouble" "I know a good mechanic" "Oh my god how dare you take my agency away from me, I'm never talking to you again"

Good riddance if that's how somebody in my life ever reacted in that situation.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#282

Post by jimmaswell »

TeMPOraL wrote: post #223
AnimalMuppet wrote: post #195

Earlier quoted context omitted.

With my wife, when she was upset about something, I'd tell her how to fix it. That... didn't go well. Eventually, I learned to just let her talk, and for me to say "Uh huh", for about five minutes. Then I could tell her how to fix the problem. But I had to listen for five minutes first. Note well: Five minutes worked for me talking to my wife . For person X talking to person Y, the correct time may range from 0 to in…

Same here. I learned the hard way that I have to pay the entry fee of listening for 5-10 minutes and affirming emotions before I'm allowed to offer solutions. This wasn't immediately obvious for me, because in my case, the optimal listening time is 0 - if I didn't want actionable advice or knew how to solve a problem, I wouldn't be bringing it up in the first place.

Why are men expected to be the only ones who have to put in any effort and make any changes in this situation?

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#284

Post by b0rsuk »

This is very useful checklist for someone like me, with an alcoholic father and a pretty awful family. I know I have holes in my social skills, but don't know where exactly. Asking about these things is deeply awkward, and therapy is essentially unavailable in the city I live in.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#285

Post by AnimalMuppet »

jimmaswell wrote: post #282
TeMPOraL wrote: post #223

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Same here. I learned the hard way that I have to pay the entry fee of listening for 5-10 minutes and affirming emotions before I'm allowed to offer solutions. This wasn't immediately obvious for me, because in my case, the optimal listening time is 0 - if I didn't want actionable advice or knew how to solve a problem, I wouldn't be bringing it up in the first place.

Why are men expected to be the only ones who have to put in any effort and make any changes in this situation?

Partly because, in that situation, I'm the one who's not upset. I'm not the one who's on the verge of tears. I therefore am probably more able to make the adjustment at that moment.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#286

Post by 77pt77 »

zozbot234 wrote: post #42
twoquestions wrote: post #30

I fundamentally disagree with the thesis of the "Overcoming Fear and Social Anxiety" page. For example, laugh at a dongle joke in front of a journalist or some other influencer who's sneaky with a camera and a million followers, your career is over, if not your life depending on how nuts their followers are. Nearly everyone you meet is out to get you, and a social misstep is a fabulous casus belli. We're all politici…

> For example, laugh at a dongle joke in front of a journalist or some other influencer who's sneaky with a camera and a million followers, your career is over You should laugh at these people anyway. Appeasement doesn't work, never has - whereas standing up to their abuse and pointing out how foolish they are just might.

Appeasement doesn't work, but there's definitely a price to pay.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#287

Post by b0rsuk »

wisty wrote: post #118
wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

In Chinese culture, there's a big thing about your true friends being the ones who will tell you when you're wrong. A coworker, on the other hand, is not your responsibility, it's their life they're screwing up. Of course, that doesn't mean people like it. Personally, I will eventually give advice to people if they're venting. I'll make it polite, of course. If they don't want to fix their shit, then I'm not obliged…

In Poland, we have a proverb "One gets to know his true friends when he's poor." A true friend will be with you in times of need, a false one will break ties.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#288

Post by jdsully »

jimmaswell wrote: post #281
ljm wrote: post #180

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m a coach in training and question number 3 there is a powerful question. That’s a really great question to ask because you’re not getting involved in the topic, you’re not giving them ideas, and you’re not working through it for them. The others are too nuanced to easily explain, but “what are you going to do with that,” is a fucking fantastic question when a friend confides in you. You’re right that this requires…

"My car's been having trouble" "I know a good mechanic" "Oh my god how dare you take my agency away from me, I'm never talking to you again" Good riddance if that's how somebody in my life ever reacted in that situation.

The difference is whether the person is expected to manage the situation on their own. If I said that to a buddy of mine who I know works on his own car he would be upset. He imagines himself capable of working on cars and I just communicated I don't think he can handle it.

Nobody wants to be the person that other people see as a basket case. Just because someone is upset doesn't mean they can't solve the problem.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#289

Post by Paianni »

Am I the only one who is obsessed with performing my life as if I could be a kind of prodigy someone might film a documentary around in many years time?

Socially it probably doesn't do me much good, but it's a side effect of being overly self-conscious.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#290

Post by mcguire »

pavas wrote: post #116
kempbellt wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I understand your perspective. Unfortunately, however idealistic, I don't see that being a great benefit in the long term for anyone. I prefer environments that teach you how to advocate for your ideas. Build you up as a good self-advocate. Environments that say "Hey everybody! It's Timmy's turn to speak. Pass him the talking stick" are patronizing and disgust me at the onset. Better to have someone by your side sayi…

I think you're actually missing his point, which is not so much a matter of perspective but rather a direct application of Goodheart's Law. When you are trying to incentivize by proxy (e.g. promote good ideas by rewarding vocal and assertive people), you better hope that there is a very tight correlation between the two. His point is that there isn't much correlation between good ideas and assertive personalities, so…

"His point is that there isn't much correlation between good ideas and assertive personalities, so if you incentivize the latter you won't necessarily get the former. I'm inclined to agree with that."

Having worked at IBM Austin in the '90s, I'd tend to agree. The management style was very much "the loudest person in the room makes the decision." It did not end well.

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