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Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

improveyoursocialskills.com

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Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#251

Post by Madmallard »

username90 wrote: post #108
Madmallard wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What would you say is the right behavior in that situation, then?

You have to know the person to be sure they are ok with it. If there is any uncertainty then don't be honest about what you think, just give the standard advice like "Just be yourself" or "You are wonderful, just haven't found the right one yet!". The alternative is to just be brutally honest and that way filter out friends who aren't ok with it. It might hurt a bit, but if you value this kind of communication over h…

Lying is bad

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#252

Post by [deleted] »

WhompingWindows wrote: post #248
leggomylibro wrote: post #232

Earlier quoted context omitted.

One problem is that you aren't allowed to make mistakes in social situations anymore without facing extreme consequences, and you're right that it isn't the sort of thing you can learn by reading about it. There's really no chance for young'uns to learn in this day and age. It's tough, and the worst part is that there's no way out or hope for things to improve. And you can't complain or seek help, or you get treated…

What do you mean by "extreme consequences" for mistakes in social situations?

[deleted]

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#253

Post by ijiiijji1 »

wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

Boundaries are the bigger point. What's funny is I see on Steve Lehto's YT vids that he says random non-doctors diagnose him with all kinds of fatal ailments in spite of him recently running a marathon. Lmao!

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#254

Post by Swizec »

bort-simpson wrote: post #238
rollerboi wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've been working on this since I noticed it in myself a few years back. It's really difficult because I'm the "problem-solver," but I'm also the person that people want to vent to. So I've come to realize - After a friend/coworker shares something that they're sad/angry about, my standard MO is: 1) Say something like "Wow, that must really feel terrible. I'm sorry to hear that!" (I always feel the need to add more t…

What I struggle with after #3 is when I get the response "I don't know". At that point I really don't know what the next steps are beside trying to come up with solutions (and that doesn't work out too well sometimes).

That’s when you share this story from amanda palmer

https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/6679223-a-farmer-is-sitting...

A farmer is sitting on his porch in a chair, hanging out. A friend walks up to the porch to say hello, and hears an awful yelping, squealing sound coming from inside the house. "What's that terrifyin' sound?" asks the friend. "It's my dog," said the farmer. "He's sittin' on a nail." "Why doesn't he just sit up and get off it?" asks the friend. The farmer deliberates on this and replies: "Doesn't hurt enough yet.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#255

Post by lisper »

Madmallard wrote: post #250
lisper wrote: post #114

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"I have no idea what guys want. Every guy is different. And it's not just you: there are seven billion people in the world, and some of them are not going to be into you no matter who you are. But among those seven billion there are also going to be some who like you for who you are, so don't give up. But be careful about falling into the trap of being gloomy because you think you're never going to find someone, beca…

Im not going to lie

Omitting parts of the truth is not lying.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#256

Post by fleekonpoint »

altonzheng wrote: post #163

Another perspective (I learned from a therapist), is that we might already possess the innate ability to be great conversationalist, it's just performance anxiety that gets in the way. So for me, as someone who consumed loads of self-help material without much improvement, it wasn't about learning more skills or anything, it was about giving myself permission to be dumb, boring, lame, and still accepting myself at th…

Thank you for this. I will try to look at things this way.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#257

Post by buckminster »

127 wrote: post #196
wisty wrote: post #43

Why are social skills always focusing on the positive? A lot of programmers often seem to be more nice guys than anything else, and need to be able to be more assertive / aggressive. Everyone tries to distinguish these two, it's mostly just in the eye of the beholder - IMO aggression is just assertion when it's judged to be inappropriate or incompetently done - a drill instructor being assertive looks different to a…

Yes, this is pretty much it. Learning how to be assertive without looking weird, creepy or a lunatic. It's just a lot of practice. Most advice given to men how to be more socially adaptive is actually advice how to best be taken advantage of. It has nothing to do with their own best interest.

This is true of pretty much all such advice to anybody. Society's interests and your interests are often unaligned.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#258

Post by mehagar »

allovernow wrote: post #45

>In a nutshell, you inspire me when something that you share makes me want to share something, too. Notice the word "want" in that definition. Inspiration does not make your partner feel obligated to share. It makes them want to share. This is the part that I've been stuck at for years. And I imagine other technical people hit this roadblock as well. Being able to talk with people when you have little in the way of c…

At a surface level it may seem that others don't share the same common interests as me. Underlying their differing interests, however, are feelings and needs that all humans share in common. I try to connect to those underlying feelings and needs when talking. For instance, I'll ask what they enjoy about a particular activity, or if it gives them a sense of fulfillment, etc.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#259

Post by chc »

TeMPOraL wrote: post #217
arthurmerlin wrote: post #171

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At least for me, I would love advice that perfectly solves all my problems. But probably this advice doesn't exist, because if it did, I would have figured it out already. I often have conversations that go like this - Me: I have this problem that sucks. Other person: Have you tried A? Me: No, I thought about that already. A isn't a good idea because of B. Other person: Well, what about C? Me: No, I thought about tha…

I'm a different person then. When I talk about my problems, I do want advice, because if I'd have already figured out a solution, I wouldn't be talking about it in the first place! I just don't understand this humanoid need for seeking emotional validation by pretending to ask for advice. A lot of my friends and acquaintances do that, and I know how to handle it, but myself, I just can't do that.

Very often, there is no perfect solution. Even if somebody has some idea what they can do about the problem, that doesn't mean they can just do it and everything is great. Say, if your marriage is falling apart, you can either stick with it and try to improve things or get divorced. Those are your options, and they're both painful.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#260

Post by system2 »

lawn wrote: post #130
wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

I've started to ask my girlfriend if "she wants me to solve her problem" or just "want me to listen" quite often. If you tend to fall into this trap, like I do, I can really recommend this approach.

And how does she respond to you usually?
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