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Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

improveyoursocialskills.com

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Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#71

Post by ritchiea »

wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

This is a good start. I would strongly recommend focusing on listening and asking questions when a friend comes to you with a problem or something on their mind. People universally want to be heard and understood. Offer emotional support, if by some chance you really think your friend is in the wrong, that person probably needs to be lovingly nudged rather than abrasively confronted.

Occasionally people do legitimately want your advice & perspective and to be careful about it you can precede it with "would you like to hear my perspective/advice?"

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#72

Post by solatic »

wisty wrote: post #43

Why are social skills always focusing on the positive? A lot of programmers often seem to be more nice guys than anything else, and need to be able to be more assertive / aggressive. Everyone tries to distinguish these two, it's mostly just in the eye of the beholder - IMO aggression is just assertion when it's judged to be inappropriate or incompetently done - a drill instructor being assertive looks different to a…

> IMO aggression is just assertion when it's judged to be inappropriate or incompetently done

One can be assertive without being aggressive and aggressive without being assertive. They are different characteristics.

Assertive and not aggressive - deciding to speak up instead of being silent. "Excuse me, can you explain this decision to me?"

Aggressive and not assertive - being passive-aggressive, giving people the silent treatment / cold shoulder / "cancel culture", and similar behaviors.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#73

Post by geoffreyhale »

wisty wrote: post #43

Why are social skills always focusing on the positive? A lot of programmers often seem to be more nice guys than anything else, and need to be able to be more assertive / aggressive. Everyone tries to distinguish these two, it's mostly just in the eye of the beholder - IMO aggression is just assertion when it's judged to be inappropriate or incompetently done - a drill instructor being assertive looks different to a…

Aggression is violent and seeks to harm or at least disregards the recipient's well-being.

Assertiveness is considerate and has compassion for the recipient, considers how our assertion may affect the recipient, may offer understanding and empathy for their situation, then asserts our need by taking personal ownership and using "I" language, etc.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#74

Post by x2f10 »

wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

You are spot on. I have had to learn this multiple times. If the person is not willing to accept the observation with open arms (hint: most are not), you will only push the person away. However, I can't help but see the small irony in your reply.

>[do not] give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers

>one dear friend [gave me unsolicited advice which helped]

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#75

Post by solatic »

mettamage wrote: post #56
spodek wrote: post #44

This community consistently poo-poos MBAs and business people who, it says, don't contribute and just shuffle paper or find ways to lay people off. I felt that way when I started my first company, finishing my physics degree. I figured, I helped launch a satellite, I can do what we needed. A couple patents later, we got our first funding and I knew how to solve what problems came our way. I could break down any probl…

I'm interested in learning leadership skills. Though, I've noticed it's hurting me a bit in my (entry level) job search as leadership skills are not seen as important since they just need you to code.

Leadership is a skill, not a position. One can be a leader from the bottom of the ladder. It may not be appreciated by recruiters for entry-level positions but it will contribute to your success once you get your foot in the door.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#76

Post by babadabada »

allovernow wrote: post #45

>In a nutshell, you inspire me when something that you share makes me want to share something, too. Notice the word "want" in that definition. Inspiration does not make your partner feel obligated to share. It makes them want to share. This is the part that I've been stuck at for years. And I imagine other technical people hit this roadblock as well. Being able to talk with people when you have little in the way of c…

I feel like this is an obvious answer, but everyone has things in common with everyone. Maybe you have a different job, different hobbies, or watch different TV shows, but those are not the only topics of conversation that exist. You live in the same city - talk about the neighborhood you live in and what you like about it. You grew up in different places - ask about that. The weather has been shit recently - complain about that together. Do they have pets? Do they have kids? Are they big cooks or love a certain type of food? What is there family like?

And you can talk about things that you don’t have in common too. You can still talk to someone who knows nothing about tech about your job or personal project. Talking about your job or code at a high enough level that anyone could understand is a great skill - hone it! And are you showing an interest in their job and hobbies that aren’t tech-related? Conversation is a two-way street and you can (and should) ask them about their jobs and try to be interested and listen even if what their passionate about isn’t what you are passionate about.

SO many people I know in the tech community talk about how hard it is talking with people outside of the tech community because those people aren’t into tech. Let me tell you me and my boyfriend are both software engineers and have a big interest in tech outside of work. We spend almost none of our time together talking about tech.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#77

Post by notJim »

kempbellt wrote: post #61
wisty wrote: post #43

Why are social skills always focusing on the positive? A lot of programmers often seem to be more nice guys than anything else, and need to be able to be more assertive / aggressive. Everyone tries to distinguish these two, it's mostly just in the eye of the beholder - IMO aggression is just assertion when it's judged to be inappropriate or incompetently done - a drill instructor being assertive looks different to a…

I agree with this. I value high-friction environments where people are encouraged to compete and fight to support their ideas, where they feel valued for fighting for themselves, rather than patronized... The real world doesn't coddle you. Work should reflect that to some degree - with some respect to being a decent person in general. Just knowing that you know your shit, and it's okay (preferred even), if you fight…

In my experience, the problem with environments like that is that the best fighters win, not the best ideas. The best fighters are usually the people who can project the most confidence, talk the loudest, and who are the most popular.

By contrast, environments that provide psychological safety enable people who may have better ideas, but may not be as brash and overconfident to contribute.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#78

Post by bo1024 »

allovernow wrote: post #45

>In a nutshell, you inspire me when something that you share makes me want to share something, too. Notice the word "want" in that definition. Inspiration does not make your partner feel obligated to share. It makes them want to share. This is the part that I've been stuck at for years. And I imagine other technical people hit this roadblock as well. Being able to talk with people when you have little in the way of c…

> force interest in uninteresting topics

It does take effort, but open-mindedness here could pay off. Lots of topics may look boring on the surface, but when you really ask someone who's into them, they can drill down into a million subtle complexities. It could be Nascar or baking or romance novels or whatever. Sounds super boring to me, but if someone is passionate about them, I can ask questions and be curious and it's often a really interesting conversation.

So I just would avoid dividing the world into "interesting = my life/hobbies, uninteresting = other" and starting from the standpoint that tons of topics are interesting once you dig in, and being determined to find out why the other person finds this topic interesting. Hope this helps.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#79

Post by x2f10 »

throwaway07Ju19 wrote: post #70
wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

I've taken this even further. I no longer correct any factual mistakes or misspoken words unless the person making this error is either a student or someone who reads. Even then it may be best to not say anything.

> or someone who reads.

Can you please elaborate? I don't follow.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#80

Post by babadabada »

kempbellt wrote: post #67
allovernow wrote: post #45

>In a nutshell, you inspire me when something that you share makes me want to share something, too. Notice the word "want" in that definition. Inspiration does not make your partner feel obligated to share. It makes them want to share. This is the part that I've been stuck at for years. And I imagine other technical people hit this roadblock as well. Being able to talk with people when you have little in the way of c…

> since most young women aren't exactly excited to talk about code This may reflect your subjective experience, but I have had a different experience and would (kindly) give you the heads up that this is a borderline sexist generalization. I've met women in the industry that are just as capable as nerding out over new tech as I am - even if it hasn't been very common (in my experience).

I'm a young woman in tech. I am happy to confirm that

"since most young women aren't exactly excited to talk about code"

is in fact some sexist bullshit.

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