The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat • Hacker News Board

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#91

Post by twoquestions » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 1:50 PM UTC

war1025 wrote: post #85

twoquestions wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Except they don't care about you. Someone could burst through the door and skin you alive, but your coworkers won't be in the least bit perturbed unless: 1) Your mutilation was against company policy 2) Some bits of you got on their shirt. Personally, I'd much rather deal with people knives drawn rather than work hard pretending to care if each other lives or dies.

Sounds like a wild place to work at. Also sounds like a great way to end up isolated and alone. Even at work, you sometimes need people in your corner.

Except the incentives are aligned to be a Hobbesian war of all against all. There is no incentive to collaborate or team up at all.

Ever wonder why shows like Survivor and Battle Royale games are so popular? That's how office life is these days. Nobody is ever "in your corner" as you put it. Everyone is always and forever trying to gut everyone else in a neverending zero sum game.

Unless you work in a new/high growth field or something, then collaboration can have benefits, but in most static corporate environments, the only gain you have is from someone else's detriment.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#92

Post by scyclow » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 1:50 PM UTC

I got hit by a car while on my bike earlier in the summer. If nothing else, that solved 100% of my co-worker small talk for the next three months.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#93

Post by josh_fyi » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 1:52 PM UTC

I quiz people on how their part of the company is going. "So, are we making our quarter"? "What does the world think about our company?" "Did we really get the CD system working like it's supposed to?"

People love talking about their areas, and I get some intel on the company I work for.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#94

Post by 5trokerac3 » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 1:57 PM UTC

As someone who worked a lot of low-end and blue collar jobs before getting into software, small talk with coworkers is a whole lot easier in the former environment.

There is so much petty politics and ego in the modern office that all it takes is saying one thing that someone doesn't like to cause potentially years of unnecessary drama.

One gossipy sociopath who's trusted by your manager, that doesn't like something you said during small talk, or who didn't like the look in your eyes when they mentioned a strong political view, can limit your ability to get promoted.

People just talk anything and everything in blue collar jobs and nobody cares. I think that's because nobody has their ego wrapped up in how well they mop a floor or flip a burger.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#95

Post by donkeyd » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 1:59 PM UTC

redleader9345 wrote: post #64

donkeyd wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thanks for this. This has become a realization of mine in the past couple of years. I already wear a neat shirt to work and do my hair neatly, because that's expected. I'm not going to change my personality however, because I am who I am and I don't want to pretend to be something I'm not. I've even decided that I will no longer 'perform' interviews. I could get most jobs, because I'm pretty good at doing interviews.…

I've been doing the same. I even tell recruiters and interviewers "if I was unemployed, you'd be getting a very different version of me". It adds more fuel to the notion of why employed people are so much better to recruit, because you get more signal and less noise. We've all known for a while that being unemployed, and having that desperation stink on you, is a bad situation. But I'd never really considered it from…

Honestly though, from what I see around me though, most people are acting when they're in interviews. Even if they don't 'really' need the job. Maybe that's because I mostly know young people and they don't have the confidence or the awareness yet, though.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#96

Post by Porthos9K » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 2:08 PM UTC

borumpilot wrote: post #81

RickJWagner wrote: post #51

My wife is amazing. She can walk into a Wal-Mart, and within minutes some stranger will be telling her their life story. I, on the other hand, suffer from Programmer's Disease. I can walk into a crowded room, approach someone and try to strike up a conversation and have the discussion killed in 3 minutes. I try to improve. I really do. I think it's a gift we're born with.

For me and my wife that works basically the same, but I have found method to the madness. 1. She loves it when I come to save her when the tone of the spontaneous discussion is not to her liking and nothing kills said discussions faster then me participating. 2. When I strike it, my conversations tends to be very subject focused and will leave me and the other person smarter and more informed. So what I do now is eit…

I know you probably meant "continuous" instead of "continence", but I can't help but chuckle at the usage.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#97

Post by bigred100 » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 2:14 PM UTC

feintruled wrote: post #57

It can be quite a minefield. I worked with a guy whose chit-chat policy was disconcerting - stating the bleedin' obvious. "You are in early today!" "You are in late today!" "You are on time today!" "Wearing the red shirt again, I see!" "Got your hair cut!" While this 'say what you see' served as a functional ice-breaker, as an introvert I found it strangely confrontational, almost like an interrogation. I felt like I…

If someone seemed to not like talking I’d probably do this a few times and then stop. However if someone seems untrustworthy/manipulative in work settings one of my responses is to say incredibly mundane things to them.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#98

Post by [deleted] » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 2:16 PM UTC

not_a_moth wrote: post #11

I think the essential office chitchat issue is "being yourself" vs. "seeming like a high quality professional". I've found out the hard way that relaxing and aiming for a real conversation carries a high % chance of saying something unbecoming of a team leader. Better pay attention to appearances when you're at work. I don't understand coworkers who say silly things at the lunch table without a second thought, or tho…

[deleted]

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#99

Post by bigred100 » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 2:19 PM UTC

Vel0cityX wrote: post #66

Tade0 wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I don't understand coworkers who say silly things at the lunch table without a second thought I'm such a coworker. Two reasons I do this: 1. I don't care about "upward mobility". 2. People don't see me as a threat to theirs, which is a good thing, because you don't want an overly ambitious junior developer trying to prove his(or hers) worth by picking on you. Reason 0. is that weirdly enough it's good to appear som…

> weirdly enough it's good to appear somewhat "incompetent", but still in reality be able to deliver How so? To maintain lower expectations & set yourself up to surprise people positively?

If someone makes an effort to present themselves as extraordinarily competent I’ll start watching them to try and figure out whether it’s true. If they’re extraordinarily competent then there’s not much to conclude. If they’re just normal but exceedingly interested in looking competent, I know they’re self-promoters and not really trustworthy.

If they act normal and are of normal competence, then again there’s not much that you need to think about. If they’re very competent and act normal my guess is they can be trusted to give generally honest assessments of different situations without worrying too much about looking good.

Re: The Awkward but Essential Art of Office Chitchat

#100

Post by AnIdiotOnTheNet » Mon, Sep 23, 2019, 2:21 PM UTC

journalctl wrote: post #80

I don’t get why this is so hard for some Americans. “Good morning. How was your weekend? Did you do anything fun?” “Nah, just did a big Costco run and then cleaned a bit. You?” “I biked around a bit, then kinda relaxed on Sunday. Well, I’m gonna go make some coffee. Want anything?”

I don't know about other Americans, but for me it's because you can't give unexpected answers to such questions even if they are true. Instead you're just playing out a culturally mandated script.