Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found • Hacker News Board

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#161

Post by simion314 » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 5:12 PM UTC

raverbashing wrote: post #103

simion314 wrote: post #68

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why do you think that? As a man I think we are the victims of our culture where as a man you need to be tough and not reach for help or chat about things.

Yes, this is the important part. A lot of men lack the tools to be able to go through a hard situation but instead turn into drugs, violence or other negative coping mechanisms.

I think when I feel lonely I watch old TV shows like Star Trek or House and a ton of youtube (mostly educational/scientific channels) I avoid drinking, I only got drunk 2 times in my life , without intending it, and a lot of unhappy feelings surfaced, I seen this in my father too, maybe other get violent but me I get extremely sad (last time was 15 years ago so now I would probably be 10x worse)

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#162

Post by pimmen » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 5:13 PM UTC

mattmanser wrote: post #85

rutierut wrote: post #69

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is amazing, it really shows character that you take action to solve your problems and are successful in doing so. So please know that this is not aimed at you personally... But... I am so freaking sick of people recommending others to pickup either salsa or tango! Not of the people that recommend this themselves but are there really no other options? Tango/salsa classes seem to get recommended again, again and a…

Tons. Most cities will have a social club with a range of activities. Go look on meetup for "social" club type things, or choose a sport and Google for clubs, or whatever. Boardgame clubs, programmer meetups, kayaking, rambling, rock climbing, etc. Volunteering is another option for meeting people.

Second volunteering. I moved to a completely different city with no friends and I felt purpose and community the moment I started doing volunteer work, everything a lonely person could ask for!

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#163

Post by mieseratte » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 5:15 PM UTC

intrasight wrote: post #149

Here's an easy solution guys - make friends with more women. A couple years ago my wife asked for a divorce (we are still married but separated). It was very much a wake up call that I was very dependent upon her emotionally and I had neglected my other friendships. I did two things. I invested myself in some old friends from high school and college, but as none of them are living in my city, I realized that I really…

To be frank, this rings a bit like “How to beat depression? Just be happier!”

Of the “lonely men” I know most are the type who simply don’t put themselves out there to make friends in the first place. For some this is problematic, for a select few this is self imposed.

As a guy, at least for friendship, I have no reservations about “putting myself out there.” You’d be surprised how many folks you meet can’t or won’t, but are normal folks and great friends once that initial obstacle is overcome.

At the end of the day, different strokes for different folks. If you make better friends with women, get at it.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#164

Post by nojvek » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 5:17 PM UTC

I guess i’m one of them. I hate talking on the phone. Face to face yeah. But with family commitments there isn’t much time to go out.

So you just be contempt by not having any friends and being busy with work and kids.

Trust me having kids is not all they make it. Insomnia leads to fatigue which leads to loneliness and depression. It hits eventually.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#165

Post by throwaway66920 » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 5:17 PM UTC

Consultant32452 wrote: post #72

throwaway66920 wrote: post #17

The article states 18% of men had no close friends, significantly higher than women at 12%. Honestly that’s doesn’t sound hugely different to me. For every two women with none, there’s three men with none. The gap is a bit smaller for best friends too.

Imagine if it were pay. Women only get 66% of the loneliness men get. This is a national crisis and I demand equality for women.

Pay is not the same for a variety of reasons. You have one employer, you have infinite potential friends. Pay concerns are also normalized to things like your job, your education, and experience.

If men have fewer friends then must be because they don’t know how to make new friends, they don’t put in the effort to make new friends, or they don’t have the time to make new friends.

While the latter may be a genuine concern, women are almost certainly likely to have less spare time due to the various societal requirements on them. So it’s probably a mix of the first two.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#166

Post by intrasight » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 5:18 PM UTC

orasis wrote: post #156

intrasight wrote: post #149

Here's an easy solution guys - make friends with more women. A couple years ago my wife asked for a divorce (we are still married but separated). It was very much a wake up call that I was very dependent upon her emotionally and I had neglected my other friendships. I did two things. I invested myself in some old friends from high school and college, but as none of them are living in my city, I realized that I really…

So much this! I am happily married but my wife understands that I tend to connect better with female friends than males. It took some time for me to reject the social taboo of a married male hanging out with platonic women friends but I’ve been so much happier for it.

I don't think there is a social taboo - I think it's more of a self-imposed taboo because we've been told forever that men and woman can't just be friends. I've found that if you are clear that you just want to be friends then there is no discomfort, and they will treat you nearly exactly the same as they treat there female friends. They will share their feelings, their concerns, their aspirations. That what needs to happen to be good friends. And you need to share also!

Oh, and be prepared for lots of these friends sending signals that they would like to be more than friends. How you handle that is obviously up to you.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#167

Post by ben_jones » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 5:19 PM UTC

buro9 wrote: post #131

ben_jones wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I feel like it would be appropriate to share some of these forums in this thread, I think the immediate need outweighs anyone calling it out as self-promotion.

Not all of them are applicable, the platform has also been used for forums that connect old-age pensioners homes (it's easy to use), and support networks for victims of domestic sexual and violent abuse in South London. However the largest example is the London cyclist one https://www.lfgss.com . I started with cycling and the plan was to saturate one sport/recreational interest before branching out. So I run a lot o…

Any plans to open source / open core this software? I've always been interested in forum software (my first real web project was a Reddit clone in Flask and the complexities and edgecases abound - moderation tools, rate limiting, scaling write-load, finding the minimum front-end that doesn't make users puke).

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#168

Post by lolinder » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 5:19 PM UTC

Abishek_Muthian wrote: post #119

kempbellt wrote: post #91

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You are describing being "alone", not being "lonely". Lonely, is defined as "sad because one has no friends or company". Which I would say is unfortunately common in the modern world, where we believe the internet to connect people, but in reality it socially isolates. Alone, simply meaning "having no one else present", is not that bad, no, until you start to feel lonely. I enjoy alone time for the same reasons you d…

You're correct, by your definition I'm both alone and lonely. Lonely makes me sad but has improved productivity, where as socializing gave me what I would describe as 'Short term happiness which seemed fake & ridden with guilt later'.

That doesn't sound like a very healthy outlook on life. Trading social belonging for productivity is a Faustian deal if I've ever seen one, and a deal likely to lead to burnout and depression.

If socializing leaves you ridden with guilt for lost productivity, I'd recommend a paradigm shift.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#169

Post by DoofusOfDeath » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 5:19 PM UTC

garmaine wrote: post #145

buro9 wrote: post #87

I run 300 forums, and I had a startup for them. The lofty goal of the startup was to "cure loneliness" but I never told the users that. My path to doing this was to encourage interest based communication, in a way that would allow them to take it offline. How? Well to make it interest + geography, i.e. horology nerds in Cumbria, cyclists in London, petrol heads in Cornwall, audiophiles in Suffolk. By binding together…

Just FYI, “have no close friend” and “loneliness” aren’t the same thing. I have no close friends, and I prefer it. Don’t try to “cure” people like me.

Has this been a problem in the past?

From your phrasing, it sounds like a pet peeve.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#170

Post by throwaway66920 » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 5:19 PM UTC

hogFeast wrote: post #137

guerrilla wrote: post #56

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"The public" ... which you have statistics on? I'm sorry you feel bad but try not to speak for everyone.

He is talking about the UK. There is a huge bias against single males here. To give one example: the number and size of tax benefits aimed at families is massive. Spending on these is something like £33bn...that may or may not sound huge to you but the total NHS budget (i.e. healthcare costs for 70-80m people) is ~£115bn. Not everyone thinks this. But it is definitely far to say that is the general view (and it is wh…

This is silly and naive. Tax benefits for families exist to help and encourage families. Society is better off when people can afford to raise a family. To twist it into an anti single man view is way off base.