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Ask HN: Are you ok?

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Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#861

Post by aristophenes »

throwaway31338 wrote: post #713
aristophenes wrote: post #590

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Please understand that I am saying this in a compassionate, not a judgmental way. I think the key developmental step is to be able to get over yourself. I think this is a fundamental part in becoming a mature person. Many of us are forced through this step against our will and maybe without realizing it. Either through our job, or significant other, or kids, or some other experience that just overwhelms you. Apparent…

Your "get over yourself" and "mature person" bits fill me with frustration and anger. I'm sorry for that, but it's there. Being selfless is great. Hating the grind of a 40 hour / week job, versus "accepting" it has nothing to do with selflessness.

I didn't say being more selfless meant becoming a slave to your employer. I clarified in another post that becoming more selfless can actually help you to leave a toxic environment too. Or maybe you might realize that you were part of the reason it was so toxic, and you take that with you wherever you go. In that case running doesn't help. I don't know what OPs situation is or what yours is. Once you let go of yourself a bit, and readjust your mindset and priorities accordingly, based on whoever you are and whatever situation you are in, then it will likely become more clear what you should do. And it will be easier, and even enjoyable, to do what you should do.

I don't think we were designed to be miserable, so if we are stuck in misery isn't it logical to think we might be pursuing joy in the wrong things?

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#862

Post by Melchizedek »

citruscomputing wrote: post #633
anon9001 wrote: post #360

I'm shocked at how many people seem to be doing OK or have minor complaints. For me, I've realized that if I have to do anything for 40+ hours a week on a schedule, after a couple of weeks, I'd prefer being dead. I could be a professional ice cream taste tester or race car driver, and after about 3 weeks of showing up at a fixed time and putting in 8 hours, I'd still be ready to off myself again. When I have week-lon…

The way you feel is normal. Please don't try to beat yourself into something you're not, or worse, feel guilty for not being able to. There's a line from a song I like that goes "This place is designed to kill us and make us think it's our fault." Remember that the 40 hour work week was considered a victory for unions. Not as an "I should feel grateful that I have this", but as a sign that progress is possible, and c…

Some humans like living like this.

They lack all imagination so they have nothing better to do anyway. They have no charisma or empathy so work is only the place for them to hang out with people. They hate people who thrive outside of work so they want everyone's life to be consumed by it.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#863

Post by citruscomputing »

Choco31415 wrote: post #710
qorrect wrote: post #657

Earlier quoted context omitted.

|There's a line from a song I like that goes "This place is designed to kill us and make us think it's our fault." What song ?

Not sure if citruscomputing is referring to this, but Death/Bad Girl from Thank You by Black Dresses has that lyric. It’s towards the end: “i didn't even know what i was going thru until like, a year ago and now it's everything this place is designed to kill us and make us think it's our fault”

yeah it's that one :)

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#865

Post by colinmcd »

throwaway31338 wrote: post #704
rileyteige wrote: post #374

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I can relate here, not sure if this is a reality for you but one thing that's helped me in this regard is negotiating 25hr/wk arrangements (accepting the pay cut). More flexibility, and if you're willing to burn the midnight oil once in a while you can bump your pay with a second (hopefully temporary!) gig.

How do you get health insurance in that situation, our of curiosity? All the employer-sponsored plans that I am familiar with require a minimum 30 hours / wk commitment. Being an independent contractor is awesome (it's what I did for 100% of my income from 2004 until just a couple of months ago) but the health insurance situation and fear ended up killing it.

You can get health insurance without being employed! Or check out the “healthcare cost-sharing” groups like Sedera - it’s great for freelancers.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#866

Post by mikelyons »

fredophile wrote: post #725
mikelyons wrote: post #561

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is sound advice but I can also see that it seems unlikely for someone with radical spiritual views.

What seems unlikely for someone with radical spiritual views?

Joining a church to meet a romantic partner.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#867

Post by compassionnerdy »

This is a great start - an annual reminder to care about your fellow humans... and actually express it.

I challenge HNers especially to express care and compassion in this way more than 1x/yr. it costs nothing to indicate you care about the other humans you share your oxygen with, no matter how jaded you may be about their beliefs, behaviors, work output, technical expertise, or whatever it is that might normally put a person at the top of your proverbial shit list.

At the end of the day, we are all human, and sometimes it’s nice to remind yourself - as well as others - of this fact.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#868

Post by robot2051 »

kevtastrophe wrote: post #847
robot2051 wrote: post #828

Who else is struggling with backpain problem at early 30? It sucks and if you have any advices, i am all ears! :-/ I am living with herniated disks for 2 years now and my worst nightmare is to have another disk bulging episode that made me bedridden for 2 week. Not only working is difficult as i can't stay in a chair for too long, it is heartbroken to have to tell your kids you cant lift him up cause your back is foo…

I haven’t had it quite as bad as you, but I’ve struggled for sure. Someone on HN recommended a book called Healing Back Pain[0] - I found it really helpful. Might be worth picking up a copy. [0] https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Back-Pain-Mind-Body-Connectio...

Thank you for the book! I will definitely check it out!

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#869

Post by ethbro »

ta201909 wrote: post #846
ethbro wrote: post #679

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I would have identified a lot with what you said, several years ago. The key advice I'd give: realize you are sabotaging your own relationships when you don't tell your partners how you feel about something. This is not helping them, you, or the relationship out. It may feel like that because there's "less" arguing, but ultimately you're just poisoning trust in the relationship. As proof, why do you think your partne…

> there's a huge spectrum of communication options between "I agree" and "Let's fight about this." How do you do this in practice? If your partner wants to to something that you disagree with already, and both of you are sub-born, how do you resolve conflicts without someone stepping down and becoming unhappy?

It's difficult and very much intuition.

The first question I'd ask is why the one stepping down is unhappy? They're compromising and giving a gift to their partner, which their partner should recognize, thank them for, and respect. See (B).

I can only offer the following as things that have worked for me:

A) (MOST IMPORTANT) Recognize (and lead your partner to recognize) that the purpose of disagreement is resolution. Too many people get trapped in a cycle of argue - failure to resolve - argue. If resolutions aren't getting reached, then you and your partner need to talk about how you argue.

B) (second most important) Recognize that no one wins an argument. The purpose isn't to win. The purpose is to reach acceptable consensus. Agreeing on this weeds out a lot of toxic behaviors (like bringing up old arguments), because those actions don't make sense if no one wins.

C) Get better at initiating disagreements. Is this the right time and place to disagree (hint: usually "now" and "here" is, as putting things off is generally a bad idea)? Do you catch your partner off guard, or do you telegraph you're going to disagree about something (hints followed shortly by action is a good playbook)?

D) Get better at providing care after a disagreement. Do you revisit the solution reached, and reassure your partner that you feel good with the solution arrived at? Do you make sure to remind them you care about them, especially if it was an intense argument?

E) Realize that some people were raised with extremely maladaptive and toxic argument patterns by watching their parents. And changing these takes time and effort by both people. Arguments are like coding: there are a huge number of ways to do it, so choose one of the better ones than one of the worse ones!

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#870

Post by ethbro »

protectid wrote: post #814
ethbro wrote: post #679

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I would have identified a lot with what you said, several years ago. The key advice I'd give: realize you are sabotaging your own relationships when you don't tell your partners how you feel about something. This is not helping them, you, or the relationship out. It may feel like that because there's "less" arguing, but ultimately you're just poisoning trust in the relationship. As proof, why do you think your partne…

Thanks for taking the time to respond. You insights and advice have helped me understand better what is going on. I also feel better about myself in that I am not the only one who has gone through similar stuff. Something about opening up to strangers on Internet :-).

When it comes down to it, there is no one answer.

Because it's a skill (conflict resolution & communication) operating in a complex environment (your relationship).

Be self reflective though: if you aren't getting the results you want, then try different things.

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