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How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

parenting.nytimes.com

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Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#271

Post by KaiserPro »

Japhy_Ryder wrote: post #246
KaiserPro wrote: post #205

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Babies can scream at 120db. (supposedly 130, but I find that hard to believe) not only that its at about 3.5khz. now look at this graph: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Equal-loudness_contour Right in the loudness contour. children, less so, babies yes. number two is nowhere near as loud or as prone to screaming

> Babies can scream at 120db. (supposedly 130, but I find that hard to believe) That sounds absolutely terrible. I am not looking forward to having a kid. :-(

ahhh You'll do fine.

I was unlucky, I had a screamy one. The second child barely cries at all.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#272

Post by nvarsj »

auiya wrote: post #215
nvarsj wrote: post #150

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm a father of two, one who is nearly a teenager, so I'm still on the journey. Having children is a life experience. A hard one, that will change you. It is certainly not the easy route. If you want a life of low stress and self satisfaction - having no kids makes a lot of sense. And I'd never begrudge anyone who makes this choice (of which I know many). Choosing to have a family means you are willing to sacrifice y…

> What do you get out of it? Life long companionship, for one thing. Not necessarily. I know many people who have quite strained relationships with their parents/children. I have relatives who had children based on the mindset of "who will take care of me when I'm old?", only for their kids to mistreat and abandon them in their old age.

Well, of course. Like any relationship it can break down. I don’t have a great relationship with my father, which seems common for my generation. He spent most of his time working - not enough time with his family. Having a genuine relationship with your kids and being involved requires a lot of self sacrifice - if you don’t do that the relationship is going to be bad. Almost always that requires putting your career on the back burner which is hard for a lot of people.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#273

Post by chayesfss »

Father of 5 here, during first 2 I was right there, gained a lot of weight slowly but identical twins @ 43 I am surprised there had actually been a weight drop.

It has been amazingly difficult with twins, for the first 6 months it was pure hell. I didn’t really sugarcoat it when people asked, yes it’s hell, no it’s not fun. People were much more understanding of the my sour attitude with twins.

Many people both get up as a sign of support but yea it’s stupid, after some time we found that taking turns getting up has allowed the other to get some sleep, surprised we didn’t get any guidance from the hospital on this subject at all while at the hospital.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#274

Post by magduf »

jkepler wrote: post #266
magduf wrote: post #238

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A lot of this is stuff Americans have done to themselves. They all want a huge house in the suburbs with two huge gas-guzzling SUVs in the garage, so that necessitates both parents working to pay for all this largesse. If Americans lived in dense cities with small living quarters and took public transit to work, they wouldn't need to spend so much money on housing and transportation, and they wouldn't feel the need t…

I agree that lifestyle choices often require both spouses to work. However, it's not simply due to suburban American 'largesse'. I know plenty of people who live in France in comparatively tiny apartments or homes, who still feel the need for both spouses to work to make ends meet. The frugal living needed to be a stay-at-home mom or dad tends to be rare regardless of location, but it's not impossible.

>I know plenty of people who live in France in comparatively tiny apartments or homes, who still feel the need for both spouses to work to make ends meet.

What kinds of careers do these people have? If they both have low-paying jobs, then that's unfortunately understandable. But the McMansion-and-2-SUV-owning Americans I derided earlier aren't people with low-paying jobs, those are people with high-paying jobs who frequently refuse to live below their means; if they lived in a small condo or townhouse and got efficient cars their living costs would be a fraction of what they pay now, and wouldn't need to work so much.

Even in Europe, lots of people have luxuries they don't really need, especially cars. Sure, people in towns, or who have jobs away from the train lines might feel the need to have a car, but there's plenty of people there who live in the city, where public transit is excellent, and they still have (frequently expensive) cars. It isn't just Americans who make lifestyle choices that require dual earners, but we epitomize it.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#275

Post by mntmoss »

rdtwo wrote: post #233
drewg123 wrote: post #149

Earlier quoted context omitted.

When my son was born, he didn't sleep well, so I didn't either. My wife has a career and I was an equal partner in his care. It didn't help that I was working 80+ hours a week on something that was key to the success of the small company I worked for. Add in stress eating, and cutting out exercise due to perceived lack of time, and I gained 10-15lbs a year until my son was 4 or 5. My son is 13 now, and its only in th…

Honestly idk how it’s possible to afford the extra hour and a half for gym 3 days a week as a dad with a toddler

I would definitely recommend going for calisthenic training with an emphasis on isometrics around young kids, rather than weights(equipment and prep time) or intensive cardio(too much time-on-task). Holding a bridge, squat-and-reach, or a downward dog for 30 seconds while the kid crawls around is feasible, and a few rounds of that daily will do a huge amount of good.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#276

Post by deanCommie »

koolba wrote: post #254
MikeTheGreat wrote: post #248

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Hey, just as a friendly heads-up: If you're ever talking with friends who have kids (particularly young kids)(particularly newborns like you're talking about here) you might do better by phrasing this as a question instead of a fact. ("Hey, assuming you have the space for it, why not trade off nightly?") Nicest response you'll get from what you said is a polite nod and then they change the topic, the most useful woul…

Bah! A life of parsing words and walking on eggshells is no fun. Speak your mind and give people the benefit of the doubt. In my experience they appreciate it.

Your experience is wrong. People don't appreciate it, and are likely working to avoid you.

"Walking on eggshells" is a similar dog whistle to "political correctness".

Consider instead thinking about it as "having empathy that other people have a different life, priorities, and experiences than yourself, and adapt your patterns to not make premature judgements or conclusions".

"Speaking your mind" is overrated. Your mind isn't that important or interesting. (Not attacking YOU here - this applies to everyone, myself included)

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#277

Post by fnord123 »

deanCommie wrote: post #276
koolba wrote: post #254

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Bah! A life of parsing words and walking on eggshells is no fun. Speak your mind and give people the benefit of the doubt. In my experience they appreciate it.

Your experience is wrong. People don't appreciate it, and are likely working to avoid you. "Walking on eggshells" is a similar dog whistle to "political correctness". Consider instead thinking about it as "having empathy that other people have a different life, priorities, and experiences than yourself, and adapt your patterns to not make premature judgements or conclusions". "Speaking your mind" is overrated. Your m…

There are situations where you are correct but I think your brush is too broad. Sometimes unsolicited advice is welcome but there is an art that some people have when giving it.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#278

Post by kortilla »

magduf wrote: post #274
jkepler wrote: post #266

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree that lifestyle choices often require both spouses to work. However, it's not simply due to suburban American 'largesse'. I know plenty of people who live in France in comparatively tiny apartments or homes, who still feel the need for both spouses to work to make ends meet. The frugal living needed to be a stay-at-home mom or dad tends to be rare regardless of location, but it's not impossible.

>I know plenty of people who live in France in comparatively tiny apartments or homes, who still feel the need for both spouses to work to make ends meet. What kinds of careers do these people have? If they both have low-paying jobs, then that's unfortunately understandable. But the McMansion-and-2-SUV-owning Americans I derided earlier aren't people with low-paying jobs, those are people with high-paying jobs who fr…

Gas guzzling SUVs are bad for the environment, but do not support your point. Gas is cheap in the US so 20,000 annual miles of driving at 20mpg is only ~$2500 for the year. Swapping them out for 40mpg hybrids only saves $1250 annually, which is negligible in the scheme of deciding on dual incomes.

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#279

Post by sundvor »

dhimes wrote: post #130
sundvor wrote: post #89

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Being a dad, whilst rewarding in its own rights, can also be hard AF. Throw in a diagnosis of ASD+ADHD with therapies etc that must be managed, and the pressures just sky rocketed. Managing his behaviour feels like an everlasting uphill battle. So much energy is drained, especially during meltdowns, causing frictions in the whole family. So in order to be able to look after him I also need to look after myself. Getti…

Some people grow. Others dump almost everything on their spouse and a deep resentment grows in the marriage. You envy the good times they have and the stories they have, but not their life as there is obviously a lot a pain at home. Kudos to you, it sounds like you are doing it right. Hang in there.

Thanks, much appreciated. I've made lots of mistakes but keep trying to improve. Setting expectations for my new employer that I share the load for son's appointments, and finding one that accepted this, was probably relationship-saving decision making as such.

We have it good in software in that we can work remotely, and flexible hours. Sure it comes at a certain cost ("always on") but for myself the benefits certainly outweigh drawbacks.

Cheers!

Re: How Men’s Bodies Change When They Become Fathers

#280

Post by sundvor »

dhimes wrote: post #138
vidarh wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I find lack of sleep severely impacts my ability to stick to a diet, as well, as I find it far harder to resist temptations when I'm not rested. Combining reduced willpower with reduced amount of time to make proper meals is not great.

I also see this pattern. I've maintained at least some level of exercise throughout raising three kids, but somehow I have a strong desire to eat , and the willpower required to shed the weight is really all-consuming. When my last (of 3) goes to college next week I wonder if anything will change.

That's a big change, all the best for the next phase of your life!

Getting into a more regular exercise routine might be a good thing. Weightlifting works well for myself, alas it does nothing to curb the appetite. :) But it's a great way to relax the mind and get a break from everything. It helps produce testosterone as well, supposedly.

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