OP here! Someone commented with how to make i386 work: https://reddragdiva.dreamwidth.org/607714.html?thread=831766... not just qemu-user, but telling it the magic numbers for binfmt to work I'll give it a spin when I get home this evening. ENCARTA 97 SHALL RIDE AGAIN, maybe
https://stackoverflow.com/questions/42120938/exec-format-err... (second answer)