161–170 of 311 posts
Conflict cannot be avoided but only contained. Hence you need to train yourself to tolerate the mental discomfort which comes from being in stressful situations.
What ever you do, don't lose your cool. You will not help yourself by saying "hey jackass, I was speaking, so shut your pie hole (mouth)." [1]
[1] Source: Used to lose my cool. It did not help. But therapy did :)
I'll offer the thing you need to learn is to not give a shit. It helps to remind yourself your getting paid the same no matter what. Beyond that, if you've got something important to point out that others are missing then you can jump in with a dominant attitude and make the point quickly and then sit back and fade away and let the conversation go where it will. Timing is important but starting with something like "I…
I feel that's a useful test to use as well before talking in a meeting: is what I'm about to say something that really needs to be said here and now?
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Most interrupters are exactly like andrewcarter here, they just get excited. When someone does it they're most likely not trying to be rude, and it's well within your consideration to air your complaint, "I am happy to hear your thoughts, but please let me finish my own before you share yours." It isn't a rude or confrontational sentiment. Nobody likes being interrupted, and nobody likes being called-out as an interr…
I have this issue too, I think it also has to do a bit with cultural background sometimes. I grew up in a hispanic family in a majority hispanic community, where my everyday conversation with people was people talking over each other. It was common to start making your point while the other person was still finishing theirs. The difference is, because everyone did it, we would just keep talking , even if we were cut…
Completely agree. I'm not Hispanic, but I grew up in the south in a household where talking over each other was the norm. A different culture, but culture indeed. College is also where I learned this was considered bad practice / rude
The intelligent ones have a lot to say, and worry they forget, so they want to edge in a few of that "block" chain before it's lost.
The stupid ones are simply rude and don't care about your feelings.
Step1: identify from other clues, what type you are dealing with.
Step2: if intelligent, let them finish their speech. Then ask: "are you finished?" Then ask for uninterrupted talk time. You can be humorous about it. For instance: "if the urge to cut me off hits you, take notes while I am speaking." If they took notes, ask them to rephrase what you just told them.
If the stupid type, you can cut them off, too. It is okay to be fair.
Now that there's an official record of the discussion in written, you can take your time writing well-thought-out responses. The format discourages heated circular rebuttals, since it then becomes obvious when an argument is a thinly disguised paraphrasing of a previous one, and people can get a chance to sleep on an idea and change their minds. The format also lets the team flesh out several topics in parallel rather than disrupting each topic half way through with tangents.
Once people are more accustomed to the idea of writing down their arguments, you can formalize the process into a Request-for-Comment (RFC) process.
1. Ask a person who has cut you off in a recent conversation for a 1 on 1 conversation. Tell them about the recent conversation and what happened from your perspective. Ask them for advice on what you can do to have your voice heard more.
2. Ask a third party who is typically in those conversations that you get cut off in (but isn’t the one who cuts you off) for a 1 on 1 conversation. Explain to them what is happening and ask them for their advice. — not only will you get some advice but they might change their behavior to discourage others from cutting you off
3. Next time you get cut off remember what you just said, the details of how you said it, and the topic at hand and write it down. After you do that a few times take a look at the data you gathered and see if you can find any noticeable patterns — may you were getting off topic or maybe you had a snarky tone, etc.
4. Determine what your need is and explore other ways to have it met. If your need is to feel as if your opinions are heard, consider that in person technical conversations are just one way to meet that need. Another way might be a written proposal or Slack conversation. Or maybe you could run a more structured meeting that is run in a way that protects against people getting cut off (e.g. time assigned specifically for generating several different options)