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Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

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Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#111

Post by refurb »

tunesmith wrote: post #42

Sometimes it's unfortunately just a personality thing. There are people that are notorious for just needing to be the smartest person in the room, and if they aren't checked, it's just going to be a sucky place to work. I've had limited good luck dealing with them by asking a lot of questions, Socrates-style. Really pinning them down. Particularly if I have an opposing solution that answers my own questions better. T…

Your scenario made me laugh as I work with someone exactly like that and it really gets on my nerves. She’ll actually finish a statement, pause for 5 or more seconds (by then someone else has started talking), then just continue on with another statement.

And it’s not like she starts talking right when the other person starts, no, the other person is almost done their first sentence and she talks over them.

I have to laugh at it or it will drive me bonkers.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#112

Post by [deleted] »

dmlorenzetti wrote: post #96
carlosdp wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have this issue too, I think it also has to do a bit with cultural background sometimes. I grew up in a hispanic family in a majority hispanic community, where my everyday conversation with people was people talking over each other. It was common to start making your point while the other person was still finishing theirs. The difference is, because everyone did it, we would just keep talking , even if we were cut…

"One of the most striking aspects of high involvement style that I found and analyzed in detail was the use of what I called 'cooperative overlap': a listener talking along with a speaker not in order to interrupt but to show enthusiastic listenership and participation. The concept of overlap versus interruption became one of the cornerstones of my argument that the stereotype of New York Jews as pushy and aggressive…

[deleted]

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#113

Post by Tade0 »

solipsism wrote: post #86
jtms wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

this is a VERY hard thing to learn, but I am trying it. Sometimes it just requires more concentration and determination than I can muster. Also the person doing the interrupting will occasionally accuse YOU of interrupting them. I hate feeling bullied by interrupters so I am constantly working to master any and all tactics for shutting down what I see as this rude/disrespectful/disruptive behavior.

Why? This is passive aggressive. Am I taking crazy pills? What's the problem with just politely saying, "Can you please not interrupt?" or "Let me finish my point please."

What's the problem with just politely saying, "Can you please not interrupt?"

I'm assuming this option has already been exhausted and didn't have any effect.

I've worked with people who prefer to apologise all the time instead of changing their behaviour. When you bring that up they... apologise and move on.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#114

Post by the_watcher »

Tell people that you're experiencing it. If you trust someone who doesn't seem to have as much trouble, confide in that person first, but continue to tell people privately when you experience it. In my experience, most people will take it seriously, and some will start to notice and do things like point out that you were cut off, or bring the conversation back around to you.

If you get pushback when doing this, I'm sorry you're experiencing that. My recommendation would be to find a new job, unfortunately.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#115

Post by hnruss »

As a show of respect and professionalism, I do my best to listen intently and to not interrupt my coworkers. If I am interrupted, I will stop and listen-- provided that the interruption served a purpose.

If someone repeatedly interrupts me without need in a conversation, then I will get annoyed with them, consciously ignore their interruptions and finish my thoughts, even if they keep talking. This usually sounds unintelligible to everyone involved. Once they are done trying to talk over me, I'll ask them a question relating to something I just said, which makes two points: 1. Now it's their turn to talk, and 2. They don't know what I just said because they were talking when it was not their turn to do so.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#116

Post by jedberg »

You need a better meeting leader. Their job should be to facilitate, which means keeping the meeting on track with the agenda, calling out interrupters, and making sure to circle back with the person who was interrupted to get their input, and then blocking the others from interrupting again. And a really good meeting leader will figure out who the soft-spoken people are and make sure to ask them for their opinions explicitly if they seem to have one that wasn't heard.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#117

Post by the_watcher »

imhoguy wrote: post #76
andrewcarter wrote: post #15

I have a problem cutting people off- I get way to excited about what I want to say and jump in. I really appreciate when people call me out and don't take it personally. I also try to work on it and try to help steer the conversation to other people who have been cut off when I see it happen. So IMO don't be afraid to politely just let someone know! If you don't feel comfortable during the meeting, maybe speak with t…

I wonder is some of you here recognizing own interrupting problem have got ADHD symptoms and diagnosis? Isn't it strongly correlated with Primarily Hyperactive-Impulsive trait?

Yes. I have this tendency, and I have ADHD. I know I can tend towards it. I often find myself circling back to someone after a first meeting with them (when I realize I interrupted them a lot) and apologizing, letting them know I am aware that it's a weakness, and to please let me know if it ever gets out of hand (I intentionally ask them to decide for themselves what "out of hand" means, as some people are entirely ok with an interruption packed conversation).

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#118

Post by epc »

People, usually peer engineers, but occasionally executives, would try to rebut whatever I was trying to state as I'd state it.

I learned to be an utter asshole to these people.

When interrupted, I stop speaking. Entirely. Nine out of ten times the person interrupting realizes I'm no longer speaking and…also stops speaking. I guess they think this is a conversation? I don't know.

So I restart. From wherever I started, not where I was interrupted. Because I'm usually trying to get a coherent point across, an argument, a statement, whatever.

And if interrupted again…I stop and repeat the process.

I don't raise my voice.

I may throw a glare or two.

I have found that after two or three of these cycles the person in question waits until I'm done or I ask for questions or whatever the context demands.

In turn, I consciously try to refrain from interrupting someone else, especially women. I am in no way perfect at this.

I've had people tell me (or my manager more likely) that my silence in these moments is more intimidating than if I just barrelled over the interruptor.

I have heard that in organizations where there's recognition that this is a problem, a talking stick or some other object, helps: the only person who can speak has to have the object, they "have the floor" until they relinquish it.

And for the people who are prone to interrupting others: cut that shit out. You're not impressing anyone. You're not getting your point across. You may well have a valid point or issue or comment, but if the only way you know to make an argument is to disrupt anyone else…then that's the takeaway, not whatever your issue actually is.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#119

Post by kaibee »

moksly wrote: post #95
imhoguy wrote: post #76

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wonder is some of you here recognizing own interrupting problem have got ADHD symptoms and diagnosis? Isn't it strongly correlated with Primarily Hyperactive-Impulsive trait?

I’m not sure why you’re getting downvoted, because it absolutely is. It’s what lead me to go get tested. I just got so frustrated with myself because I just couldn’t stop interrupting, even when I was consciously working on it. At some point my wife pointed out it was an ADHD symptom, and my immediate reaction was to shrug it off. I’m a CS major, I’ve always held a steady job, and, I’ve never had problems concentrati…

> I’ve had take away (healthy and organic of course) at least two days a week since I left home.

Yep, same here. Though if I do cook, it has to be a massive production. If there's not something to be actively preparing the whole time, it's too boring to make. Which means there's gonna be a ton of dishes... that I really don't want to do.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with constantly getting cut off in work discussions?

#120

Post by asfarley »

stcredzero wrote: post #9
andymoe wrote: post #2

Yes, it's common especially in places where it goes un-checked. One idea that can work to start to change this behavior is to verbalize when someone else is cut off. "Bob, it sounded like you were had something to add." If you start helping others get a word in some folks will start to get the message. Another, more direct approach, is feedback to those that keep cutting folks off. Finally, you can push for "retro" t…

I don't think it's best to think of this in terms of "safety." Interruption is a dark pattern. It enables the user of the pattern to gain more attention and get more "turns" at speaking, but does it at the expense of group members being able to express complicated or difficult concepts. It's a pattern which suppresses thought and information.

Do you see the value in interrupt-based software? Why should there be any real distinction between software message-passing and human message-passing?

The complete rejection of interruption-during-conversation is equivalent to the denial of existence of far-too-long monologues, isn't it?

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