The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness • Hacker News Board

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#721

Post by sk0g » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 11:05 PM UTC

cwp wrote: post #677

WhompingWindows wrote: post #2

I felt loneliness acutely this week. I live alone, spend most evenings alone, and on top, work's coding and research has been slow for 2 weeks. Collaborators are at conferences and on vacation, so I had much less work and much less face-to-face contact than usual. Given that I code on my own, distribute analyses via email, and occasionally meet if people are around, I barely talked to people some days this week. Goin…

I had a bout of this about 20 years ago, so I made a rule for myself: I wasn't allowed to decline an invitation. If somebody proposed doing something together and I was able, I had to do it. That made a huge difference in my life. I did a lot of things that were... unexpected. (A few examples: I joined an ultimate frisbee league. I went skydiving. I joined a church group. I went to a strip club. I attended a wedding.…

As much as I'd like to follow the rule, I think I have an actual, varied social life now, and this would be... Risky.

I've been invited to a violent sounding orgy of the many male, one female kind (always been a dream of the girl's, but I do have someone I'm seeing). In the last few months, also been invited to an open Satanic book reading sessions. Beginner friendly, I had been told.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#722

Post by new4thaccount » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 11:06 PM UTC

blfr wrote: post #549

sakopov wrote: post #514

Man, the older I get the more I realize that life is always a balancing act. I immigrated from a 3rd world country (probably a 2nd world now) 20 years ago with my parents. Both of my parents were engineers and both were paid about once a year by their employer because nobody had any money. So we were broke and poor my entire childhood. And yet we always had friends visiting us. There were always celebrations. Seemed…

You, too, can strike up a conversation with a total stranger at a bus station and it doesn't have to feel weird. It is, however, likely to be short because people are so unused to it in the atomized west that, if you don't carry the whole conversation, they simply won't know what to say.

The South is pretty friendly and outgoing in many places. I strike up conversations almost everywhere and most people are ok with it. Of course there are some people that hate small talk and I try to respect that.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#723

Post by afpx » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 11:06 PM UTC

Decline of the family? How about decline of the entire Homo Sapien social structure ...

I’m looking out my window, and I see houses of neighbors I’ve never met, and the rest are owned by people with whom I have nothing in common. So, needless to say, I spend a lot of time at work. Work has sadly become my “new family”. Yet, I trust none of them. So, no wonder my Homo Sapien brain is flipping out.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#724

Post by throwaway666666 » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 11:07 PM UTC

kilowatt wrote: post #71

nugget wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At the risk of wading into deeply controversal territory, I'll add some personal observations. One of the harsh realities I have seen is that it's very difficult for women to "have it all" meaning a fulfilling personal, family, and professional life, especially in the most competitive fields. Yet for many years this idea has persisted in a mythical sense as broadly achievable. I am now in my late 30s. I've watched my…

> It makes me sad because while they have awesome professional accomplishments, they would have been awesome mothers and parents as well. I just wanted to point out politely how strange this language reads to me. It's ultimately the decision of each person whether to have kids or not. This being "sad" for them is an overreach, morally, IMO--and part of the fight feminism led was to carve out a space for women in soci…

Except now it's gone totally extreme the other direction. Young ladies now days have told me they feel guilty for having thoughts about having a family. That the idea of getting married and having children young is a slap in the face to women and wrong and stupid.

If you think I'm being facetious you obviously haven't spoken to enough women that are in their low 20's. Older women have literally convinced younger women it is shameful to not be a career driven, family last type of power CEO woman.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#725

Post by madengr » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 11:07 PM UTC

ptaffs wrote: post #623

WhompingWindows wrote: post #2

I felt loneliness acutely this week. I live alone, spend most evenings alone, and on top, work's coding and research has been slow for 2 weeks. Collaborators are at conferences and on vacation, so I had much less work and much less face-to-face contact than usual. Given that I code on my own, distribute analyses via email, and occasionally meet if people are around, I barely talked to people some days this week. Goin…

A friend of a friend told me that people, such as diplomat families who have to quickly settle but often relocate, will deliberately but routinely eat at the same restaurant, say, every Thursday evening. After a couple of weeks they'll find staff or other regular diners will engage with them and build relationships.

In some countries, that is a good way to get killed.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#726

Post by sp527 » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 11:08 PM UTC

defterGoose wrote: post #705

sp527 wrote: post #333

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Pay more per capita to landlords. If you run the numbers, no one should want to be a landlord. Atrocious ROI. Homes are horrific investments if you live in them and still terrible even if you rent them out. I would encourage anyone who thinks otherwise to model this out for any major city/region to convince themselves. Renting is a great deal. You pay less, get better ROI on what would have been the downpayment by…

If you live as a renter in California, you are almost certainly not getting "a great deal", and the regulations that benefit you are probably only in the form of being protected from meaningless eviction and substandard living conditions. If you're an owner of property in California, OTOH, you're likely taking advantage of a tax rate that was calculated on your property's value 39 years ago.

I would strongly encourage you to look closely at the numbers. There are so many involved that nothing short of an actual model of all involved factors is enough to demonstrate the true return profile.

I might post mine here for reference when I get home later. It unequivocally demonstrates that it is far better to be a California renter than a California homeowner (at least for LA/SF). And yes I accounted for a locked in property tax rate. It’s still not even a close contest.

I will note however that the Case-Schiller index is at historical highs atm and this is a substantial driving factor in the current calculation around homeownership. That may change with a correction in the real estate market.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#727

Post by microcolonel » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 11:09 PM UTC

I'm only 22, and moving back into my mom's house has made my life a lot better, especially while living the startup life; it's better to have somebody around who loves you unconditionally, and it's okay to be at home when you're reeel young (as long as you know you don't have to be there).

I now know it'll important to organize and integrate my next local community when I move out, or I'll probably end up lonely.

Go meet your neighbours!

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#728

Post by smsm42 » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 11:12 PM UTC

paganel wrote: post #644

> Especially now that Uber has a STFU option I never understood why people are so against talking to the people that give them a ride. I once was in a very rough spot in my life and talking with taxi-drivers almost daily about the most trivial stuff (weather, politics, traffic) used to give me a very healthy reprieve from the black thoughts I used to have.

Because for some people talking to strangers is hard. Literally - like for some people carrying a 50 lbs bag might be hard, so can be talking to a stranger. Can I take this 50 lbs bag and walk with you for a mile or two because you think it'd be fun for you? Yes, I can. Do I want to? Maybe, if you're my friend or I feel like working out or just in the mood. Or maybe not, because I don't feel like doing this work now. Maybe I just want to rest and be alone with my thoughts right now. Not for the whole life - but right now, in this moment.

People have different needs and different informational metabolism. Some like conversing with strangers, some - not really.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#729

Post by beat » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 11:15 PM UTC

esoterica wrote: post #713

jriot wrote: post #574

Earlier quoted context omitted.

25 is not young. I was married for 4 years (still married at 34 to the same woman), a one-year-old daughter, working as an air traffic controller for 7 years, deployed to the ME, stationed at three different bases, traveled to 12 countries (at the time), completed undergrad, and half-way through graduate school. The age appearing young is because society likes to make excuses on why people haven't gotten their act to…

Having a baby and getting married has nothing to do with getting your act together. If anything, having a baby before 25 is strongly correlated with not having your shit together.

Their mother had them when she was 24. It paused her finishing her master's degree for a semester. She went back to teaching college, then into IT, where she's a product owner for international e-commerce.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#730

Post by arendtio » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 11:16 PM UTC

> Cohabiting couples break up faster and more often than marrieds.

I find the distinction between cohabiting and married couples a bit weird. I mean, aren't most couples cohabiting before they marry? Which in turn would mean that married couples have, on average, a more mature relationship? No wonder that those relationships are more stable than the mixed group, from fresh couples to equally mature couples, which is called 'cohabiting couples'.

Feels a bit like apples and oranges and I wonder what the message behind those facts should be.