The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness • Hacker News Board

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#641

Post by beat » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 9:28 PM UTC

sonnyblarney wrote: post #499

beat wrote: post #378

My own concerns are different. I'm in my 50s now, happily married for over 25 years, with a terrific social life. I'm not at all lonely or isolated. It's my children that I worry about. They're boy/girl twins, now 25. My daughter is in the process of breaking up with the boyfriend she's lived with for the past two years, and moving back home to re-settle her life. She has a career, and wants to get married and start…

Sometimes dudes need something to 'flip' them into activity, saying this as a dude myself, so I can't speak for the ladies. A family member of mine smoked pot and lived in a van a skiied the backtrails for 10 years (!!!) and then poof got his CA way late in life and is not 'caught up' in his career. Another peer worked in marketing, hated it, went to work stoned. Then one day 'poof' he got serious, was a manager (it…

Yeah. In a way, I really admire his focus. His life has everything he cares about, and he ruthlessly ignores everything that doesn't actually matter to him. And he's smart, capable of incredible focus, and can interact with people in structured ways (he works in retail and is actually good at it).

Maybe someday he'll decide to aim it somewhere else.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#642

Post by blfr » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 9:32 PM UTC

SiVal wrote: post #604

blfr wrote: post #549

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You, too, can strike up a conversation with a total stranger at a bus station and it doesn't have to feel weird. It is, however, likely to be short because people are so unused to it in the atomized west that, if you don't carry the whole conversation, they simply won't know what to say.

In much of "flyover country", Americans routinely greet, chat with, and interact with strangers in public. Ironically, it's one of the American traits often criticized by Europeans. "How rude, how intrusive, to invade my private bubble." But then, the UK has a similar phenomenon, with sophisticated Londoners making the same complaints about England's own flyover country, "the North" [1] [1] https://www.youtube.com/wa…

Yes, it's a big city behaviour more than first world behaviour.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#643

Post by olalonde » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 9:32 PM UTC

joshuamcginnis wrote: post #316

xenospn wrote: post #129

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think having kids is scientifically proven to make you unhappy and greatly increase your stress levels. It’s no wonder people just put off having kids until they can, or pass on having them altogether.

Wouldn't that also contradict the biological imperative to pass on our genes? If having children had an overall and prolonged negative impact on your stress levels, it would also impede humans' ability to effectively procreate since stress has a direct impact on life expectancy and fertility. I can understand that in the short-term, that might be the case, but over a longer period (say the last 10k years) it does not…

The stronger "biological imperative" is to have sex; birth control is quite a recent invention. And once you had kids, it doesn't matter that your life expectancy or fertility drops a bit because your genes are already passed on.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#644

Post by paganel » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 9:33 PM UTC

> Especially now that Uber has a STFU option

I never understood why people are so against talking to the people that give them a ride. I once was in a very rough spot in my life and talking with taxi-drivers almost daily about the most trivial stuff (weather, politics, traffic) used to give me a very healthy reprieve from the black thoughts I used to have.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#645

Post by graycat » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 9:35 PM UTC

Damorian wrote: post #518

graycat wrote: post #425

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You know a LOT about life and family formation. Sooooo, teach your kids. You've identified some of their worst problems and no doubt have solutions that would work for you, so teach them what you know. For your daughter, lots of men DO want good love, home, and family -- she just needs to find one, likely 10-15 years older than she is (for the reason for the age difference, that needs some discussion I omit here). Wh…

The Art of Loving was positively one of the worst books I have ever read. He was an unmarried, childless Atheist that wrote a book about love. As a religious, married man with children, his ideas on loving God, a spouse, and your children are almost completely wrong. It was like reading Ayn Rand, "true statement, true statement, true statement, completely illogical and nonsensical conclusion, unsupported by prior sta…

You are at odds with much of the clinical psychology community.

Maybe you should take a junior college course in reading comprehension.

Or, IIRC, "The fundamental problem in life is getting security in the face of the anxiety from our realization that alone we are vulnerable to the hostile forces of nature and society. Only four effective responses have been found, (i) love of god, (ii) love of spouse, (iii) membership in a group, and (iv) orgiastic or drugs (not recommended) just suppress the feelings.

So, we see: One of the pillars of love is (ii) love of spouse to respond to the anxiety that alone we are vulnerable to the hostile forces of nature and society. Or, it's not all about her eyes, lips, figure, or climaxes in sexual intercourse -- which he essentially never mentioned. Instead it's about responding to the anxiety of being alone, conveniently and appropriately enough, JUST as in the start of this thread.

THAT'S some really GOOD understanding of marriage, MUCH better than what get in pop culture.

Fromm's terrific.

Take a reading course then do what I advised -- read him again, compare with what you see in life, read him again and see what he says about what you just observed, rinse and repeat several times.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#646

Post by jdcro » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 9:38 PM UTC

owldimoon wrote: post #614

DowsingSpoon wrote: post #541

The term “third world” does not mean something like “third rate.” The first world is the Western bloc, under the influence of the USA. The second world is the Eastern bloc, under the influence of the USSR. The third world is everyone else. I think we should stop using these terms.

just because you think a term should be used one way or another doesn't mean your opinion is at all valuable. it's more useful to go with the wave of society rather than trying to imbue change on an obscure web forum.

His opinion is valuable, just as much as yours. Don't be an ass. And he happens to be correct, so it's probably more valuable.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#647

Post by themodelplumber » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 9:40 PM UTC

subpixel wrote: post #621

sakopov wrote: post #514

Man, the older I get the more I realize that life is always a balancing act. I immigrated from a 3rd world country (probably a 2nd world now) 20 years ago with my parents. Both of my parents were engineers and both were paid about once a year by their employer because nobody had any money. So we were broke and poor my entire childhood. And yet we always had friends visiting us. There were always celebrations. Seemed…

> i'd give up everything i have now to simply enjoy humanity for a change. Everything but security which, unfortunately, is worth giving up a lot of other things to have. I'd move to my wife's home country tomorrow if we could live without fear of our child being kidnapped. My wife's uncle was kidnapped and murdered, another aunt and cousins bound in their home by robbers, and another cousin held for a day by a group…

What you wrote reminded me of an old film from 1986, _The Mosquito Coast_. Specifically the quote, "everything we need is right here."

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#648

Post by realPubkey » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 9:41 PM UTC

futureastronaut wrote: post #271

realPubkey wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I had the same situation. A non sustainable life. With her all changed. I go to the gym so she does not have a skinny boyfriend. When I find something good at netflix I wait until she is home and we can watch it together. When I find a nice place, I remmember it so I can show her the nice bench under that tree in my hometown. I always have flashback about the time I moved to another city without family bondings. Then…

> I go to the gym so she does not have a skinny boyfriend. PSA, there's nothing wrong with being skinny, and some people prefer a skinny partner.

When we met I was skinny AF. I started gym and now I no more feel awkward when I see pictures with me and her. But the main profit of gym is in my mind. I'm more tolerant about everything. When people do shit I can act with a clear mind and without mental agression.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#649

Post by souprock » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 9:43 PM UTC

beat wrote: post #462

sizzle wrote: post #443

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What has your son been doing since turning 18? Did you try to lay out a foundation in teaching him life skills/weaning him off of financial support so he can learn the value of a dollar? I understand disabilities and disorders can hold adult children back, if that isn't the case I'm curious where things went off the rails, as a soon to be first time dad myself. This stuff worries me, that regardless of all the invest…

Pretty severe autism. The main reason we never just kicked him out is because he really can't function on his own. He'd suck at being homeless. That was hard for me to get used to, as I've been on my own since I was 18. And his sister moved out as soon as it was practical for her, although she lives just minutes away and we see her at least weekly. And if there's one piece of parenting advice I can offer, it's this..…

I might have one like that, unless you mean the non-verbal type. He has to go soon, probably age 20 at the end of summer. He did just barely manage an AA degree, so perhaps he is better off than yours. He is sometimes wildly inappropriate.

He has to go for lots of reasons. One is that I'll have 11 other kids to devote my resources to. Another is that a bit more of a push might get him to fly. Another is that I've seen my two youngest brothers still living with my parents, and it horrifies me. While one of my brothers has an excuse (needs watching for schizophrenia medication), the younger of the two has no excuse: over 30, has an MS in computer science, badly addicted to video games.

The video games really do provide an escape from activities that would require learning social skills. If your social skills are bad, you might want that escape, but that isn't making the situation any better.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#650

Post by Retric » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 9:46 PM UTC

Swenrekcah wrote: post #639

robotresearcher wrote: post #563

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That ship sailed long ago. Like the use of ‘literally’ to mean ‘figuratively’, words mean what they are frequently used to mean. Fighting it is futile.

I agree in principle but you should still literally slap anyone that says they “could care less” when they mean they couldn’t

As it’s used, “I could care less” works as a sarcastic statement much better than “I couldn’t care less” as a literal one. Generally it’s possible for me to care less about some minute difference, but in absolute terms I don’t care enough for it to matter.