Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

You obviously didn't have any serious contact with the people who have psychological problems:

Some actually have psychological pain almost constantly, unless they do something that distracts them from that, but even bigger pain if they try to change anything. That's the "loop" in which they live and from which they believe there's no escape (it's also one of excuses for developing addictions). And the escape can be: surviving the bigger initial pain coming from their attempt to change. That's why they need help, at best from good professionals, like CBT is supposed to be. Their everyday environment (including the people closest to them) is often also a problem typically contributing to them being “trapped” in the loop.

It's really a very hard topic. Even the whole big groups of people (i.e. those that identify themselves with political parties) in the whole nations often live in some big denials (1), exactly staying in the "loop" where they even support them to "be themselves" in the sense of not having introspection and courage to change themselves to the better. Which would mean that they should reevaluate their "values" and not stick to them.

It's that hard. And I'm intentionally addressing your claim "you must attempt to live according to your principles and values." I don't agree. You must be ready to constantly question "your principles and values." They aren't absolute truths, you've just acquired them from your environment and these very values can be destructive both to you and often to other people that depend on your actions.

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1) And I can name you some really big denials constantly kept in both of the two most influential U.S. parties, for example.

I spent tens of hours on Google, Reddit and Quora, desperately looking for the miraculous advice that might work for me. I tried every advice I could find on Internet, from exercice and meditation to NoFap. Some helped me feel a little better, but in the end I didn't feel happy and the problem was still here. And I regularly felt depressed and anxious. Some people talked to me about therapy and I saw many people writing obout it on Internet, but I never really thought about it. That was not for me, I didn't think my problem was bad enough. I sometimes thought about trying it but never actually took the decision.

One day, I experienced an unusually violent anxiety attack. That was the moment I admitted to myself that despite wanting to get better and working hard towards it, I was not getting better at all. I decided to ask help to a psychologist. And I sent one an email to him during this attack. Because I knew I wasn't going to do it later when I would feel better.

That was one month ago. Now keep in mind that what is below is my humble experience. It is probably different for everybody, and there are many kinds of therapy. Only an expert can determine which one is suited for someone.

I thought it was going to take a long, slow and painful time. But from the very first session I experienced dramatically and "miraculous" changes. The same day I walked for the first time of my life in a nightclub. Trying a new experience after this first session helped me realize many things and patterns of thinking I had. Honestly a bit of alcohol also helped me (I use to not drink at all, so even just one beer made me reasonably drunk). On the last weeks I experienced many new experiences, progressively achieving to break my own barriers. Last weekend, I went on two parties, Karaoke, went all-out in dancing like everyone else, and spend all the night here. Without drinking. Until one month ago, I never danced, sang or spent a full night outside.

There is also this guy. You know, the one that is always crazy in a group of people. The one that jokes, has always something fun to say or do. The one that leads the party. I always had a negative view of this kind of person (for whatever reason), but secretly jealoused them for being so extrovert. Last week, I wanted to follow this guy. I sang with him, followed him in whatever funny stuff he tried, and I actually did it without fear. And I never felt that great in my life before. I never felt so free of myself.

In my case I started a "cognitive psychotherapy" (I hope the translation is right - I am not a native English speaker). The way it works is that I talk to my therapist about my experiences and about my problems. The therapist does not gives me much counsels nor says what I have to do. When I talk, he just asks some very precise, simple and targeted questions like "why". The first thing that comes to my mind, even if it seems ridiculous or off topic is usually the most interesting one. And by doing that, I discover links between my behaviour and specific past experiences. Links that I wasn't aware of. For every topic we cover, I become conscious of decisions I made long ago and forgot (while still observing it). Most of the time it is from my childhood or teenagerhood, and either from difficult experiences or from the very strict education I received (by-the-way I never thought before that it could have been wrong). What is interesting is that I don't change during the therapy sessions. I actually change between them. Because every time I become aware of those links, I also become free of thinking again about it. I can decide if it was a good choice or not. I can decide to break the pattern or not.

I never felt so happy. I feel so free. It has only been one month. I still have a lot of things to discover about myself, a lot of chains to break. But now I found the path. And I'm definitely going to find where it leads.

The technique taught to me was this.

1) Start with eyes closed and listen your surroundings. If there's a bird let it in, do not try to tune out sounds, but accept them lile a radio in the background.

2) Start at your feet and sense or feel them for about 10 seconds. Slowly move up your body, legs, arms, chest head. Sense every part of your body.. focus on it.

3) When you reach the top of your head Relax and focus on your surroundings... the wind, the feelings...

Should take about 20 minutes.