Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

I have been making marked improvements in how I view myself and in how I talk with people. I wouldn't say I'm 100% there yet since I still relapse into less-healthy habits, like binge-watching tv or browsing HN or reddit instead of working on things which I find more personally meaningful. I think these habits are ways of self-medicating when my mind is psychologically weak.

Things that have really been helping me:

- Exercise! It's been said here before but I'm surprised by how it really is true. I don't consider myself athletic and for a couple of years my only form of exercise was walking from one end of campus to the other. When I started picking up running my heart would start pounding like mad within minutes of stepping onto the treadmill, which made me feel awful. But after a few weeks of this I started to feel better about myself and about how my body could keep up better, which improved my self-esteem a lot. There are peers who can run half-marathons but I'm happy that my body is able to do a 5K (at least for now!)

- Socializing: Making an effort to call up friends, and sending out invites and follow-ups to friends I normally hadn't spent much time with. I started making more friends /connecting with old ones in the last term of college. I consider myself to have moderate issues with anxiety and depression so this definitely wasn't easy at first. I realized that when I had more friends to talk to, I wouldn't have to rely on my closest friends in unhealthy, codependent ways. Prioritizing relationships over my work for the first time in my life has led me to doing better work overall, since my life is no longer caught up in a depressive hate-spiral as much.

- Exploring LGBT+ issues. This may be less applicable to you but at least some of my anxiety and depression stems from being in the LGBT+ community and not realizing it. Having a more honest outlook on myself, and coming out to my supportive (although not perfect) friends has been helpful.

Hope this helps you in your journey!

I want to offer an alternative interpretation on the "be yourself" mantra, because I think there is some wisdom there. You first have to "know thyself", which is difficult, because I don't think introspection is natural to our monkey-brains. Our minds, with all of the peculiar characteristics that have emerged over human history, make it difficult to evaluate ourselves accurately, in the same artists have a hard time judging the quality of their work, even if it is phenomenal. After that, you actually have to strive to be yourself, and you'll likely face resistance. You've got to be creative when dealing with that, and I think the tips posted help in that regard.

I've been toying with the idea that you must attempt to live according to your principles and values, else there is inevitably be unresolved psychological tension. I don't want to get into examples to prove my assertion right now but brainstorming could be done.

Of course, this doesn't tell you what principles and values are right or wrong. Is OP right to want to be more confident? I don't know, but he believes he should and thus, stress. CBT could help. What I am fairly sure of, is that these problems won't resolve themselves until beliefs and actions start to align. So... "be yourself"

I see people telling you to be an expert on a subject or even to stop masturbating which might do it for you but that's not what I found to be the most effective for me.

I had social anxiety disorder and saw someone to get over it (with success). The best advice given to me was basically to ask myself the following questions before/during/after problematic situations:

  - why is there a problem about the given situation?

  - what did people __realistically__ thought about me in that situation?

(you can put yourself in their shoes i.e. how would I have reacted if I was on the other side of the situation, or how would a friend/family member react if I tell them what happened)

  - why should I care?

---

For example, let's imagine you have to talk to your director about what your solution to a given problem will be:

  - why is there a problem about the given situation?

Well, it depends on you but I will guess that you're afraid that the solution might be poorly received. Here, you have to ask yourself why it might be. Chances are, if you can't answer that without extrapolating, it won't.

  - what did people __realistically__ thought about me in that situation?

In my example, I guess that you're afraid that your director will have less esteem of you. In reality, your director is a human being (I hope) which has chosen to put his/her trust in you (even more so if you have a conversation about work). As such he/she will most probably just listen and consider your solution.

Even if he/she find a problem with your solution, chances are they will feel more proud about themselves that they will think little of you. Not only because people usually think about themselves first but also because they most often have at least a little empathy (and are not just assholes on legs).

  - why should I care?

This is the best advice of all. Basically even in the unlikely case that your director really think badly about you. what is the problem?

Nobody at your office is liked by everyone in the world and most don't care about that as much as you do. If you more afraid about losing your job, either its is baseless and you should stop asking yourself too much questions (just the question 1 and 2 in that case!) either it's true and it might be a good think to change your job environment.

Think for example about politicians. They often talk faster that they think (I guess the job works that way) and as a consequence say dumb things plenty of times. Most people dislike politicians as a result but they (at least the successful ones) don't seem to care that much. Even if their jobs is to be liked by people, they continue to show confidence.

You don't have to go that far, but this example show you that you probably care too much about things you shouldn't. Stop giving too much importance to yourself and other people.

> ... being anti social ...

I prefer the term 'asocial'. Antisocial, in most contexts, means actively engaging in activities against society--like vandalism.

Still: if you aren‘t willing to change, you won‘t. I know some who go from one to another place where they could, but they don‘t. They stay in they same story just shortly pretending then always claiming that the others are the problem.

And I know also some who think that “being themselves“ means keep doing everything exactly like before.