Focus on doing your best and not on the outcome. Tell yourself you can handle any outcome. This will help your confidence.
Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?
61–70 of 172 posts
Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?
#62Perhaps the problems you're describing are symptoms of an underlying fear of vulnerability, something nearly everyone has at some level. Advice for confidence tends to go in the direction of "fake it till you make it," and "who gives a shit what other people think," and I think that can help you _portray_ confidence and even start to feel it.
But imagine if you started at the other end of the problem, and you were able to "put yourself out there," knowing you may well be wrong, knowing that your colleagues' criticism would hurt your feelings (rather than numbing yourself to it), and being able to do it anyway because rejection will hurt but won't kill you, and because you feel worthy and comfortable in your own skin.
Can't say I have all the answers as this is something I'm working on myself (with great reward so far), but it's worth expanding your search to include the vulnerability trail. [Brene Brown](https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability) is a good start.
Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?
#63Earlier quoted context omitted.
> There is something about tackling things you DON'T want to do, and getting satisfaction from having accomplished doing it. It's even better than that with regards to exercise. I've been forced to ski by my girlfriend. I've hated it for the first 5 days, I was terrified for my life, literally. I wrote a 10 page document on how not to die since my braking and turning weren't really reliable. Yet, every evening, despi…
"I was terrified for my life" I managed to give myself quite a scare in the Scottish mountains on Saturday - have felt distinctly more focused and calmer since then. I wonder if getting an occasional scare might not actually be a good thing....
I agree with the occasional scare gets you going. People are built to deal with that scare in an evolutionary sense. The change in brain chemistry to get you into flight or fight can really alter your perspective (where perspective is pretty much just brain chemistry + a little bit of experience).
I think fight club called it a "near life experience."
Other examples of changing perspective via brain chemistry recently talked about are magic mushrooms, which really do help lift depression, if only for a while before the brain has a chance to settle into its old patterns.
Exercise of course, also changes the chemistry, but I think it is in a less extreme (and more reproducible) way than a good scare (even if what scares you is some kind of hallucinated dragon).
Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?
#64Read "The Solution To Social Anxiety: Break Free From The Shyness That Holds You Back" [1]
Your thoughts ("I am not good enough") are exactly what the author describes in the book.
[1] https://www.amazon.com/Solution-Social-Anxiety-Break-Shyness...
Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?
#65exercise.
Indeed. I recommend weight lifting. Especially free weight exercises like squats and dead lift that are training mostly the biggest muscles have a very positive impact on confidence because they increase testosterone levels measurably. Cardio had zero impact though, at least for me.
as another benefit, it makes you tired so you'll sleep better. At least that's one of the major benefits I've noticed. I always had trouble sleeping (which impacts my work). But when I started doing weights and making myself physically exhausted, sleep came easier which meant better work etc :)
Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?
#66I had low self confidence and no longer do. I've studied psychology of mental health and am training to be a therapist, so I will be discussing things through this lens. So while low self esteem is annoying to experience, it is important to understand that it has a function . You are not experiencing it due to chance, it is serving a purpose. You have to remove the need for it to exist and it will go. Typically, the…
This is a very clear explanation. I immediately recognize this many aspects. Thanks for that!
Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?
#67* Understand nobody can see into your head and the knowledge you posses inside * Understand nothing can hurt you if you just align yourself with the karmic good and don't go into harm in others * Understand you are the only one giving meaning to events and attaching emotions to them * Find what caused you to believe you are not good in your past and understand those events. And let go. Your past doesn't influence you…
> * Check out hypnosis, for example Marisa Peer, to solve deeply rooted issues
Hah.
On the other hand: read about stoicism. It might help.
Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?
#68I dealt with many of these same situations by thinking it through. Often when I am in a new, challenging situation, I ask myself this: is there anyone dumber than I am who is succeeding in this situation? The answer is invariably yes. That means that I can deal with it through sheer force of will and hard work. It helps knowing that. For example, you say you are a good coder. That’s wonderful. It is something you can…
Given this approach, how do you avoid leaning into the Dunning-Kruger Effect? Or is the point that it's OK to sometimes as long as your expertise actually catches up?
I would rather err on assessing my cognitive ability greater than it is than feeling worthless and underconfident.
Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?
#69Personally have been going through this myself, and recently. Some things which make me feel better: * Finding my own independence to do things. I often tied my own activities to that of my partner. So many times I felt like I was WAITING for things, when I didn't need to be. * Find your own hobbies which are outside of work related things. I am interested in kite surfing for example. I've never done it, but I've beg…
> There is something about tackling things you DON'T want to do, and getting satisfaction from having accomplished doing it. It's even better than that with regards to exercise. I've been forced to ski by my girlfriend. I've hated it for the first 5 days, I was terrified for my life, literally. I wrote a 10 page document on how not to die since my braking and turning weren't really reliable. Yet, every evening, despi…
Exercise, especially weight lifting and HIIT, raises testosterone levels naturally in the body which will have a definite impact on your confidence and self-esteem levels. Even further, add a good diet and try to lose fat, and you'll get the added benefit of having less of the testosterone convert to estrogen and more converting to DHT, which is the "feel good" androgen.
Re: Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?
#70In addition to the other advice I'll add this:
-Take an acting class. Or an improv class, if that's easier to find. But acting classes address anxiety more effectively I think.
-Read "Impro" by Keith Johnstone[0]
I've had social anxiety since adolescence and eventually learned how to pretend to be functional socially. It involved a lot of observing of others for whom this came naturally and forcing myself into social situations where I could practice. Eventually you find that the people you interact with can make all the difference between this being 'work' vs 'fun'. Then you seek out the latter as much as possible to form your social network.
[0]https://www.amazon.com/Impro-Improvisation-Theatre-Keith-Joh...