Ask HN: Low self confidence and self esteem. How to improve?

First, see a therapist. People have varying reasons why they have low self-esteem, so what worked for other people might not work for you. Sometimes the only way we can help ourselves is to understand ourselves better.

Second, most people tend to value themselves in comparison to others. Who are some people you look up to, and why? Is it a fair metric? Maybe you wish you had those same qualities, but are they really the qualities that a person's worth should be defined by?

Third, as a kind of stop-gap measure, evaluate your physical health. Do you go outside often (ideally near trees/greenery), get enough sun? Are you physically fit? How's your diet? Are you getting enough sleep? These things cumulatively affect your mood and state of mind.

Fourth, investigate whether there are any parts of your life you would like to improve, and if so, make a basic plan and start it. As you go, revisit and modify the plan. This can include anything, like learning new languages, moving to a better neighborhood, building new relationships, getting different clothes, cooking new cuisines, etc. I found that as I tried to improve myself, it really just became learning about and experiencing more of the world, and this in turn made me feel more confident moving through the world.

Five: are you a perfectionist? We all have flaws, in every single aspect of our lives. They're always there, and you can never be rid of them all. Accept that you have flaws, and that everyone else does too, and that this is a natural part of life. If you want to change the flaws, make a plan, and start it. But either way, try to accept the flaw not as a bad thing, but as another beautiful part of a unique, individual whole. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wabi-sabi

Do something you can be really proud of.

I suffered the same lack of confidence you described. It took years, but I became really good at my job by learning a lot, so I got confident only in my job at first, to the point when I started arguing about technical decisions really heavily and started taking over a huge project.

This confidence is slowly transferring to other areas of my life. For example, talking to strangers was a huge burden for me too, but it's not a problem anymore because I can believe now that I'm as much human as they are with the same set of problems as they have.

Also meeting with assholes (who talk low about you or ignore you) can be a really big hit for your confidence, but try to mark them as such and don't take it personally.

A huge turning point was me when I read this article about what other people expect from me. It really opened my eyes and I could judge myself and my relationships with people more objectively: https://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-y...

Also, I very like Bill Murray's philosophy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3_j0BlbUy8

I understand the hah and I was like that at first. Then I read the latest research, not believing it was a thing, but a lot of papers show it's a thing. Then I tried it. It actually works.

All the posts below ignored one huge thing. I'm going to provide a list of actions that transformed my life when I was 19 and solved the problems you mentioned. How? These habits increased my confidence, calmed my mind, and increased self-awareness. Habits & systems are everything. Number 1 is the MOST important and is paramount. None of the rest will work without it:

1. https://www.reddit.com/r/nofap. Don't dismiss. No harm in trying. Do 90 days and report back how you feel. Good website: https://www.antidopamine.com/

2. Meditate every morning for 20 minutes. Try headspace app.

3. Exercise everyday (eg. strength training, sprints, BJJ/Muay Thai, sports, yoga, etc.)

4. Clean up your diet. No garbage, processed food. Eat naturally. Lean meat, veggies, some fruit. No fast-food, no bullshit. Health body => Healthy mind.

5. Sleep on time and sleep enough.

6. Practice what you suck at. Every day. Practice practice practice. I want you to fail over and over again, get back up, and fight again. Warrior mentality.

7. Write in a journal everyday to track progress/create a plan/identify problems.

8. Quit all social media and anything else that gives your brain dopamine hits. Remove all addictions from your life. It's wasting precious time you could spend improving yourself.

EDIT: I thought of more..

9. Make sure you allocate time everyday where you disconnect from technology. This is a good time to practice social skills, exercise, read, write, cook, take a walk and think. Solitude is essential for health.

10. Google "Discipline Equals Freedom" and Jocko Podcast. He has great books and I suggest reading them.

Basically, remove bad habits & people, create/add good ones, practice what you suck at, and take care of your body & mind.

If you need help, comment below and we can figure out a way to talk privately.