Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

news.ycombinator.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

21–30 of 82 posts

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#21

Post by hardy263 »

I was in your situation a couple of months ago, but I realized that joining a club/team is the easiest way to meet people who share the same interests as you.

If you want to meet other programmers or people who are similar to you, join a CS or Robotics club. If you want to meet different kinds of people, join a sports team.

I noticed that tech people tend to float towards techy things, but a whole variety of people do sports, and that trend was visible both in high school and university. On my dragon boat team, there are people from every faculty on the team, even other CS people.

So it depends on how you want to meet people. Staying in your room programming is definitely not going to make you meet new people. If you want to know a lot of different people, a team is your best bet, because they usually have team-building games or social events where they go out to eat or have fun.

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#23

Post by paolomaffei »

larsalan wrote: post #19

You may come to find that 95% of people are assholes anyway. And the remaining 5% are perfect assholes. I don't too much believe in friends just different people with different agendas. I would say of all the people I've met in my life >=.01% where for any period of time actually friends. If anything work on diplomacy and worry about yourself. As for members of the other sex, just remember they're after the same thin…

Sucks to be you. Enjoy life my friend, is not as bad you might think :)

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#26

Post by Knack »

Often it's a vicious circle. You're shy, introverted with a lack of self esteem. So you start avoiding social interaction. Also if you're in an interaction you can't enjoy it. You often are afraid to act non-conformal. Avoidance leads to less self-esteem and social skills and so on.

You need to tackle the problem on all fronts.

1) This is about your learned behaviour. You have to relearn. As some mentioned before, do some training. Stuff like going out alone. There're programs for stuff like that. Do it professional! That's the most important thing right now in your life! Don't rely only on internet ressource, even if they can be a great inspiration. Go to a therapist if you think that your shyness (or social phobia) is a problem, e.g. if you can't go to salsa dancing because you're to shy. You must break the avoidance circle.

2) Work on your own thinking process. Often, people don't know their own needs or don't dare to stand up for them and try to compensate by being great to get attention. That's a dead-end street. If you don't understand how you "work", the training ( 1) ) can only be of shallow impact. It's really important to unveil your thougts and emotions. I like the Yoga approach very much. To me, it's sound and practical. swamij.com is the greatest resource on the planet. It's a lot and takes time to understand. You could start at the articles about Karma. The kind of awareness and unattachment you step by step achieve makes you stronger. Stronger to understand and handle your legitimate desires. (which does not mean, supress them. In your case, don't supress your loneliness but go out to socialise. But overcome your fear and go to the salsa dancing event.)

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#27

Post by t3rse »

Like many responding I understand your situation at least in part. One thing that helped me during my lonelier times was mailing lists. If you have a specific interest, see if you can find a mailing list hwere you'll find people with similar interests and geekiness. For me that was music, for you it could be something different entirely.

It may sound strange but I find a lot of friendship just in people's words - old books that I've carried with me through the years, literary critics, dead philosophers, internet famous (like PG) programmers who I've never met in person, and so on. An essay like "Why nerds are unpopular" goes a long way to getting some perspective on why you might be different.

Finally, as others mentioned, use the loneliness to your advantage. There may come a time where you're married with kids and your blissful moments of quiet come when you're on the can.

This too shall pass, make the most of it.

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#28

Post by mdda »

stcredzero wrote: post #20
DeusExMachina wrote: post #14

Use your loneliness as an advantage. How? Being lonely means that you don't belong to any group and are free to move as you see fit. This is what I did, and it worked. I assume that you start from 0 friends (I did, since I moved to another country some months ago). Start knowing someone close and easy: classmates, colleagues, occasional acquaintances, but beware not to be stuck with someone as lonely as you. Your obj…

If you like dancing, then I too highly recommend dancing! A majority of my (admittedly largely disastrous) romantic life was based on dancing. Note: this only works if you like it and you're good at it. The latter often results naturally from the former. Parties are also great. My current relationship was the result of going to a School of Public Health crêpe party.

Seconded for Dancing. But you don't have to be good at it...

Everyone who starts learning the Waltz or ChaCha (or Swing, or Tango) is appalling at it. And it's pretty liberating to be in a group of people all of whom are happy klutzes.

At my (pretty tech-centric) university, the dance club had over 2000 members : the key selling point for the guys being 'girls like to dance'. And learning steps together has a logic component (so it's satisfying to see yourself getting better), but also a huge WTF component - which takes everyone out of their comfort zone in a good way.

Don't worry about the excellent dancers showing off : they'll be taking other classes.

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#29

Post by kolinko »

How old are you and where do you live?

This is similar to how I felt during my two-three years of university.

Some people already suggested that, but I will repeat: - find a hobby outside of computers (like Salsa) - sign up in an NGO (Toastmasters, AIESEC in my case) - cut off internet cord to force yourself to program outside of your home - absolutely remove all instant messengers, ircs etc. if you want to socialize with people then go out and eat lunch with them. if you don't know any people irl (or afk ;) then go and meet some on networking meetings / parties

Perhaps the most important thing is that you need to broaden your horizons. I know it may sound like a heresy, but a good programmer is a one that "feels the real world". If you lack social skills and you lack interests outside of programming then this will influence the quality of your work.

Why? For one - you will have problems working in a team of programmers. Two - if you're into anything else than low-level systems programming then you will need to interact with people who are not programmers. Not understanding normal users will hurt your career a lot.

Oh - and if your city doesn't have enough people interested in programming then move as soon as possible. Living far away from a community will hurt a lot (if you want to be really good).

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#30

Post by Goladus »

Go see your family. If you can't, find a good housemate.

Also, host parties or social gatherings in your home.

Hosting a party in your home is great practice if you have trouble socially. It takes some work and planning, but most anyone can learn to do it. It forces you to take some responsibility for entertaining guests, and to relax ssome of the control you maintain over your personal domain. You won't be able to spend the entire time avoiding attention.

It does help, though, to have handy at least one socially outgoing person who is comfortable leading conversation beyond the typical introductory chit-chat.

Oh, and it doesn't have to be a drinking party or a dinner party. You might gather to play games (card/video/board), discuss books, or watch sports, TV shows, or a movie. I mention sports and TV shows because they're more conducive to breaks for conversation than a movie.

Post reply on HN