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Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

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Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#11

Post by epo »

Start small, learn how to make small talk when you're out and about, shop assistants that sort of thing, get used to talking with strangers.

Learn to listen, this is the secret to getting on with females. The other secret, when they tell you about a problem, don't immediately give them your suggestion for a solution, often you're being talked at, don't think you're being asked for an answer, you almost never are.

The only way to develop social skills is ... get out and about and interact, find people with common interests, above all make an effort. The onus is on you to do all the work.

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#12

Post by berntb »

I cope badly.

I've had to work from home since a few months, because of a strange allergy reaction at work.

It is depressing.

This seems to be the only major city on the planet where there aren't lots of nice cafes to work from. Otherwise, that is what I would do.

I've noted the same effect in others and also hopes for good answers to your question.

For the record: I like people but have limits, since I'm really quite introvert.

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#13

Post by davidw »

Here's something that worked for me: salsa dancing. It's fun, and good music, and it's a great way to meet lots of women in a brief span of time, if you go to the right sort of places (avoid the ones where it's all about seasoned couples showing off their repertoire of crazy moves). Also, you learn to shrug off the 'no thanks' that you'll of course receive. I should also add that it's an acquired skill, and very much about a man dancing with a woman, so it's not like dancing in some random place where everyone sort of shuffles around in tune to the music.

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#14

Post by DeusExMachina »

Use your loneliness as an advantage. How? Being lonely means that you don't belong to any group and are free to move as you see fit. This is what I did, and it worked.

I assume that you start from 0 friends (I did, since I moved to another country some months ago). Start knowing someone close and easy: classmates, colleagues, occasional acquaintances, but beware not to be stuck with someone as lonely as you. Your objective is to expand from there. You can also go to special events or meetups made for people who want to know other people. Or go to some course for something you like (I dance Tango, for example). Once you know someone, try to go out with these people as much as you can: they will have other friends you can be introduced to.

Parties are a good way of doing this. Me and my friends occasionally host dinners or small parties in our houses. People are encouraged to bring new friends, which allows you to know more people. If nobody of your friends organizes some party, start the trend. If you have 3 friends and they bring a new one each, you will be already a group of 7, which is enough for a dinner/small party. Organizing one is really easy, you just need a living room, some snacks/food, some drinks.

This will almost solve your loneliness problems from a friends point of view. Members of the other sex specifically are a little more complicated. But if you do as I described above you will definitely be able to know some. After a while you can start going out alone with them. For example, I am dating some girls I met at the tango course and at some party. I know couples who formed this way.

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#16

Post by pavelludiq »

Coping with loneliness is a temporary fix(speaking from experience here), you have to get rid of it.

Im not sure exactly how, but during the last 6-7 years(im 21) I've slowly transformed from the typical socially awkward super shy nerd kid, to a somewhat social friendly nerd. It didn't happen in a day, i just slowly opened up to people, I slowly learned the social rules, practiced them, and now i speak social as a second language, even though i still have a strong nerd accent. Even though i still prefer to be alone in my room on my PC, with my slime repl, i still get drunk with my friends at least once every two weeks, or go out to play pool, or hang out in coffe shops, or go to lan parties.

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#17

Post by JofArnold »

edburgess wrote: post #8

You're a programmer right? You build web apps and stuff? When you build one and launch it out into the world, do you expect everyone to drop everything and flock to your website? I hope not. You need to reach out, as uncomfortable as it might be, and engage people. It's hard work. Now let's take your personal life. When you're at your computer most of the day, do you expect people to magically gravitate to you and be…

Absolutely agree with this. And I'll add to it also, if I may (it might seem slightly off-topic at first, but there is a point)

I used to be very shy (I still am in some specific ways) and one of the consequences I didn't realise at the time is that I had no idea where my true boundaries were.

So I challenged myself to discover them with initially small tasks; stuff as basic as "keeping eye contact when handing over change to a clerk" that sort of thing. I'd then progress to starting conversations with people in queues, going to bars on my own and trying to make friends and so on and so forth.

I'm very aware that at all points to an outsider I was probably acting a little weird (in the same way that someone learning to rollerskate looks a bit silly), but progressively these tests pushed my boundaries further and further. I even turned it into a bit of a game, trying to find more and more elaborate ways to make myself uncomfortable... I soon discovered that no matter how nerve-wracking and scary these encounters were, I never ended up harmed.

The net result is a compound benefit a/ the confidence to be able to the social things I want b/ a million amusing anecdotes to tell new people I meet when I do those things. Now it's pretty hard to be lonely, because it's easy to strike up a great conversation with almost anyone and find some amusing/interesting common ground.

Hope that helps a little.

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#18

Post by DanielRibeiro »

edburgess wrote: post #8

You're a programmer right? You build web apps and stuff? When you build one and launch it out into the world, do you expect everyone to drop everything and flock to your website? I hope not. You need to reach out, as uncomfortable as it might be, and engage people. It's hard work. Now let's take your personal life. When you're at your computer most of the day, do you expect people to magically gravitate to you and be…

These ones are also very good:

Very video (direct link): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs&feature=playe...

http://www.salon.com/life/coupling/index.html?story=/mwt/bro...

http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=1596974

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#19

Post by larsalan »

You may come to find that 95% of people are assholes anyway. And the remaining 5% are perfect assholes. I don't too much believe in friends just different people with different agendas. I would say of all the people I've met in my life >=.01% where for any period of time actually friends. If anything work on diplomacy and worry about yourself. As for members of the other sex, just remember they're after the same thing you are only thing is their brains are fu¢ked.

Re: Ask HN: How do you cope with loneliness?

#20

Post by stcredzero »

DeusExMachina wrote: post #14

Use your loneliness as an advantage. How? Being lonely means that you don't belong to any group and are free to move as you see fit. This is what I did, and it worked. I assume that you start from 0 friends (I did, since I moved to another country some months ago). Start knowing someone close and easy: classmates, colleagues, occasional acquaintances, but beware not to be stuck with someone as lonely as you. Your obj…

If you like dancing, then I too highly recommend dancing! A majority of my (admittedly largely disastrous) romantic life was based on dancing. Note: this only works if you like it and you're good at it. The latter often results naturally from the former.

Parties are also great. My current relationship was the result of going to a School of Public Health crêpe party.

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