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Ask HN: Advice on balancing family life at a startup

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Re: Ask HN: Advice on balancing family life at a startup

#11

Post by wjossey »

alexpetralia wrote: post #3
ossie wrote: post #2

You should sit with your other co-founder(s) and present your current predicament just as you've done here. Your subsequent conversation should be weighing the cost (to the startup) of you leaving to go back to back to big tech vs. you staying and cutting back on your time commitment/responsibilities to where you find some balance. Hopefully, you all have a good enough relationship where you can be open, direct and h…

This seems like a textbook "good answer" from the book "Difficult Conversations". Don't try and figure out how people will think in the isolation of your own mind. To quote Wittgenstein: look and see! Or in this case, ask and see!

Indeed!

You may find your co-founders say, "We have a good runway. Let's increase your salary temporarily / issue you a bonus to help offset the increased expenditures. Is there a way for us to adjust our hours to better accommodate your needs? How do we take more off your plate so you can focus on your family, and only work on the most important things for the business with the time remaining?"

FWIW- This is also why finding the right co-founders matters a lot. Having deep trust with your co-founders so that you can have these types of difficult conversations matters a lot.

Re: Ask HN: Advice on balancing family life at a startup

#12

Post by cheyne_nz »

Aggressive prioritization. The hours you work don't matter. What matters is if you get the job done. Be effective. Thankfully (i think) you're in a position to be judged on your effectiveness and not other criteria. As you only have to convince yourself, you co-founder and the rest of the team. It might be a chance to change the culture too. It's not about hours worked. It's about whether the work helps the company. Lots of effective hours pays off. But some effective hours are worth more than many many wasted hours. This is something that often gets lost.

Delegate to others the stuff they could do. Do only what is important. Be flexible with yourself and others.

Family matters and so does what you do with your life. Remember, life is a marathon, not a sprint. There are no prizes for getting to the end first. Look after yourself and make the best decision you can. Best of luck

*Edit. Predictive text fail

Re: Ask HN: Advice on balancing family life at a startup

#13

Post by golemiprague »

Does your wife really need the support or is she just being lazy? Be honest to yourself and to us. These days a lot of women don't want to put the time and effort into the house work and taking care of the children, even if they don't work. Why do you need to attend appointments? can't your wife attend them by herself? it is just sitting there at the doctor after all, no? Unless she also works and then you have to decide if your start up is more important than her work and you just don't want to confront her about that.

Re: Ask HN: Advice on balancing family life at a startup

#14

Post by maxaf »

tptacek wrote: post #5

Do a good job as a parent, and ignore any demand on you that threatens to compromise that. If switching jobs makes you a better parent, switch. You will get other opportunities to lead startups, and you will never get this time with your children back.

In addition, the presence and close involvement of a loved one can have dramatic effects on medical outcomes. Here, the tradeoff may be choosing between saving a startup and saving a child. Seems a no-brainer when weighed this way.

Re: Ask HN: Advice on balancing family life at a startup

#16

Post by yesimahuman »

I don’t know your situation, but all I’d say is being okay keeping a flexible schedule that fits your life and family needs is the most important thing. The 9-5 in the office normal job is actually worse for situations like these than what you could have in a startup.

If you aren’t able to keep consistent hours then putting in a Saturday morning or Sunday night to make up for it is totally fine in my book, assuming you are a truly irreplaceable asset to the company.

It’s hard work to get to a place where you’re confident in your flexible schedule and still get great work done when measured in terms of results not consistent time spent in the office. That feeling won’t go away either when the startup matures. If anything it will get worse, especially when you start delegating!

Re: Ask HN: Advice on balancing family life at a startup

#20

Post by lm28469 »

> I feel guilty leaving the company and the team, and worried it could really set the company back at this crucial stage.

You shouldn't feel guilty of that. You get one chance at life, a job is a job, it's here to bring money to take care of yourself / your loved ones. What's the point of working if you don't even get time to take care of your family ?

Try to project yourself in 20 years, what will you think looking back at this decision ? "I'm sad I let down my company" or "I'm sad I let down my family" ? Especially as engineer, it's not like it's your only career possibility. You can fuck up professionally 10 times in a row without a major impact on your life, you don't get to fuck up your family life.

Also, what @ossie said, if you can find a balance without leaving the startup, go for it.

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