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Ask HN: Advice on balancing family life at a startup

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Ask HN: Advice on balancing family life at a startup

#1

Post by foothompson »

I am a technical cofounder at a startup. We are a small company (team of ~5) around a year old, with 1-2 years of funding left before we will need to raise again at our current spend levels. I think we have a good chance of getting to a successful place with our company and doing that round successfully, which could be life-changing financially for me and my family (I come from a middle class background). The technology is also exciting to work on.

Recently, my young daughter started going through a few health difficulties. Our startup works a little harder than an average engineering job (maybe typical for a seed stage silicon valley startup). Unfortunately I am not really able to balance my family life commitments (the number of appointments that I need to attend, along with the extra support my wife needs), with the demands of the startup. I feel like I am doing a bad job at both.

I have been think returning to a regular software engineering job at a big tech company, perhaps the same one I worked at before this startup. I should be able to balance much better (more cash, more time, and less psychological involvement with the job). However, I feel guilty leaving the company and the team, and worried it could really set the company back at this crucial stage. It also feels like the current situation of me trying to balance both isn't sustainable either.

Sorry for the ramble. Anyone have any advice here on how to think about such a decision?

Re: Ask HN: Advice on balancing family life at a startup

#2

Post by ossie »

You should sit with your other co-founder(s) and present your current predicament just as you've done here. Your subsequent conversation should be weighing the cost (to the startup) of you leaving to go back to back to big tech vs. you staying and cutting back on your time commitment/responsibilities to where you find some balance. Hopefully, you all have a good enough relationship where you can be open, direct and honest with each other on how palatable a compromise is to all parties.

You should consider and be ready to address questions like how long is the cut back on commitment going to last, how will it affect whatever targets/milestones you guys have on the drawing board, will it impact your equity in the startup?

The guilt is a natural feeling, but you shouldn't let that stop you from ultimately doing what is right. If there is no balance to be found and you have to choose between your family and your startup, leave...just don't do it without giving your co-founder(s) an opportunity to chime in. I would encourage any valuable team member (or co-founder) in your position to take whatever time they needed, and even consider a temporary hire to offload work in the interim.

Re: Ask HN: Advice on balancing family life at a startup

#3

Post by alexpetralia »

ossie wrote: post #2

You should sit with your other co-founder(s) and present your current predicament just as you've done here. Your subsequent conversation should be weighing the cost (to the startup) of you leaving to go back to back to big tech vs. you staying and cutting back on your time commitment/responsibilities to where you find some balance. Hopefully, you all have a good enough relationship where you can be open, direct and h…

This seems like a textbook "good answer" from the book "Difficult Conversations".

Don't try and figure out how people will think in the isolation of your own mind. To quote Wittgenstein: look and see! Or in this case, ask and see!

Re: Ask HN: Advice on balancing family life at a startup

#4

Post by rogerkirkness »

I had to face something similar. I certainly didn't consider leaving to go back to something less intense, I just ramped up cutting out everything that wasn't family and startup. Not for everyone but eventually I made it sustainable. I would surface the concerns to your co founders. If they don't have kids, it's harder to understand, but this is the kind of thing where they will generally have already noticed so a conversation will be welcome.

Re: Ask HN: Advice on balancing family life at a startup

#6

Post by cjcenizal »

It sounds like your family comes first to you. If you were to explain your situation and decision to your team the same way you’ve done here, I’m sure they would understand. My advice would be to plan your exit with this in mind, and try to make decisions that are best for your family, ignoring the impact on your company. Once you have your plan, do right by your company by communicating it as clearly as possible. They’ll adapt to your absence, and perhaps even find a way to become stronger in the face of losing you.

Re: Ask HN: Advice on balancing family life at a startup

#7

Post by primitivesuave »

I completely relate to your situation and am living it myself- I am also the technical cofounder at a promising seed stage company. While the magnitude of my commitments was far less than yours (girlfriend vs wife+kid), it was only when I failed at one (girlfriend broke up/moved out) that I really got perspective on the other one. I had an honest conversation with my cofounders about my work-life balance last month and am already seeing the positive benefits. I made a renewed commitment to myself, and my strictly limited 8 hours of work have started feeling much more productive.

I hope this helped and wish all the best to you and your daughter.

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