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“Be yourself” is terrible advice

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Re: “Be yourself” is terrible advice

#71

Post by jackconnor »

areyouseriousxx wrote: post #62

The reason the advice "be yourself" exists, and also why older people tend to be the ones expressing it, is that the danger in not being yourself is that you may wake up one day in a career or surrounded by people that do not accept you for who you are. And you end up trapped in a life where you have to pretend to be something you're not. The idea is that the younger you start being honest about yourself to others, t…

This is a great point, and one I think could make more sense if I (clumsily) update the saying to "Be true to yourself". I agree with the writer that most of us probably don't need to express every thought, no matter how negative or insulting, as it doesn't usually add a lot of benefit to our lives or others. However, I believe knowing what you want out of life, whether it's career, family, or hobbies, is definitely an important way to be happy. But, usually this doesn't negatively affect others.

Re: “Be yourself” is terrible advice

#72

Post by projektir »

devoply wrote: post #70
projektir wrote: post #68

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What are those implications from your perspective?

To tone down those tendencies in yourself that are likely to cause you to get into bad situations. For instance perhaps you love to argue, often that leads people to dislike you. Find a way to be yourself and do the things that you enjoy doing without getting contempt from other individuals and society... However, there are professions where this is impossible such as porn star for instance. If you choose such a path…

As I've already said others don't have to approve or tolerate whatever it is you do or are by nature of being authentic. That is not related, why would it be? Being authentic is an end to itself, but it makes no guarantees, and the clash between the individual and society is often the point.

Re: “Be yourself” is terrible advice

#73

Post by defertoreptar »

wwweston wrote: post #67
defertoreptar wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

To me it means that you should act in a way that more authentically represents your wants and your values. For example, if someone wants to impress someone else, they may act in a way they think is in line with that someone else's wants and values. This can result in awkward and embarrassing situations since it's not natural or well-practiced, and it can result in being deceitful. Instead it's better to acknowledge a…

Then you're back to the question of what it means to be authentic or have true values, a question that's very similar to the question of what it means to be "yourself", and while there's usually implied guides regarding extrinsic and intrinsic motivation, it's not really clear to me that there's an absolute dividing line there, or that it's even easy to sort out decidedly intrinsic/internal values into authentic or n…

> Probably not effectively with the words "be yourself."

Agreed. It's an easy platitude to give, which is probably why it's so common.

> it's not really clear to me that there's an absolute dividing line there, or that it's even easy to sort out decidedly intrinsic/internal values into authentic or not authentic.

Right, it's nebulous and a good subject for philosophy textbooks. As far as practical advice goes, I think it's not too much to say that you can draw the line when you're behaving in a way that feels unnatural in hopes that others will respond positively to it.

Re: “Be yourself” is terrible advice

#74

Post by externalreality »

areyouseriousxx wrote: post #62

The reason the advice "be yourself" exists, and also why older people tend to be the ones expressing it, is that the danger in not being yourself is that you may wake up one day in a career or surrounded by people that do not accept you for who you are. And you end up trapped in a life where you have to pretend to be something you're not. The idea is that the younger you start being honest about yourself to others, t…

> The reason the advice "be yourself" exists, and also why older people tend to be the ones expressing it, is that the danger in not being yourself is that you may wake up one day in a career or surrounded by people that do not accept you for who you are.

If you are an African American or female or both in the tech industry the above couldn't be more true.

Re: “Be yourself” is terrible advice

#75

Post by desc »

george_ciobanu wrote: post #5

My version of it: don't be yourself, work towards being the best person you can be.

I like this interpretation. I think the entire reason my social awkwardness has diminished in the past decade is that I've learned to ignore worries about how people see me and just focused on trying to make things better whenever the opportunity overlaps my skills. 'Being myself' means fuck-all but 'using my skills to support others' has some meaning.

It's not a competition, and the universe doesn't give a shit who's happy. No one's owed anything. Make things better for those around you, and maybe it'll spill over. No guarantees... but as a hand it's all we hold against death and taxes.

Re: “Be yourself” is terrible advice

#76

Post by ip26 »

rhizome wrote: post #49
vichu wrote: post #11

"Be yourself" as advice is bad advice if you take it uncharitably. It's good advice for individuals that repress their identities and discard their own happiness - e.g. gay men and women that force themselves to act straight (though not without caveat as death/execution/persecution is very real). If you reinterpret it as "be authentic" or "become yourself", it again takes a better meaning for those without fundamenta…

The variation I like is, "Become who you are."

That's a good one. I also like "Become your best self".

Less profound but invites continual improvement, and it subtly elicits what matters to you.

Re: “Be yourself” is terrible advice

#77

Post by teilo »

Better advice is "Know yourself." That implies the need to develop the ability to step outside of yourself and examine your behavior, desires, assumptions, and reactions. I say "develop the ability" because for many people, this is not an innate ability, but has to be learned. It also required brutal honesty. Some people cannot do it.

Re: “Be yourself” is terrible advice

#78

Post by chrismckleroy »

teilo wrote: post #77

Better advice is "Know yourself." That implies the need to develop the ability to step outside of yourself and examine your behavior, desires, assumptions, and reactions. I say "develop the ability" because for many people, this is not an innate ability, but has to be learned. It also required brutal honesty. Some people cannot do it.

Yes! Great talk on that subject here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O2eWOqz_mJ0

Re: “Be yourself” is terrible advice

#79

Post by sudosteph »

I've always interpreted "Be yourself" in the sense of the old saying "to be, rather than to seem" [1]. It's not an affirmation of you being perfect, it's just saying that you can't even begin to know yourself and your true merits if you spend your time just trying to appear a certain way for the benefit of others.

Yes, the author of this piece had to learn the hard way that their attitude was toxic, but had this person never actually felt consequences from that behavior - there would be no hope at all for growing into a better person. You must be accountable for yourself, and if you think you must hide yourself to be liked or just follow someone else's example all the time - any time something breaks down, you won't know if it's because what you're pretending to be is wrong or if you're just doing it wrong.

The accountability necessary for personal growth is therefore precluded on accepting that the actions you take are fully your own, and consistent with your own conception of self. It's better to be wrong and learn why than to chase temporary praise through shallow, idealized imitations that serve to suit the expectations of whatever audience you value at the moment. Because when you cast off one imitation for another one, it will make it hard for anybody to know what you actually value - including yourself.

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Esse_quam_videri

Re: “Be yourself” is terrible advice

#80

Post by chacham15 »

To me, the hn version of "be yourself" is "You'll never beat Mark Zuckerberg by trying to be Mark Zuckerberg. Mark Zuckerberg will always be a better Mark Zuckerberg than you." (I think this is a pg quote, correct me if im wrong) That isnt saying that you dont have room for improvement or that you are your authentic self or whatever, but rather that you compete with people on the results and by trying to copy their methods you will never reach further than them. Do something unique / different. Do something that only you have insight to. To me, thats what being yourself is all about: using your unique strengths to succeed.
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