Great article and very timely as I need to have a difficult conversation with a co-worker today! :)
A guide to difficult conversations
21–30 of 415 posts
Re: A guide to difficult conversations
#22What's the purpose of expressing the feeling? It seems like it's there only to underline the urgency of the unmet needs. At the same time, it implies an emotional investment in the issue at hand, which I would see either as unnecessary or insincere in a work environment.
Expressing our feelings is powerful way to connect with people, by helping to create empathic attunement.
Forming a connection is critical when communicating in a difficult situation. It might seem like 'fluff', but I believe it's what separates the mediocre and great communicators. Sadly, logic is rarely enough.
Re: A guide to difficult conversations
#23Earlier quoted context omitted.
I struggle a lot with communication, but have not found a panacea for the biggest issue I regularly face. Communication requires two people to be willing to talk. If one of them just doesn't want to listen, just hear themselves talk, what can I do? This includes them not listening to me telling them that I'm not willing to talk to them if they're not willing to listen (in more, or even fewer words than that).
> If one of them just doesn't want to listen, just hear themselves talk, what can I do? There is no magic trick to make people do what you want them to do. > me telling them that I'm not willing to talk to them if they're not willing to listen Well, that attitude isn't going to fix any of your problems. Review the fine article; Heading 1, "Observations vs. evaluations". I might try ask them why what you are saying do…
Thank you for your input.
I want to point out though that you propose "I might try ask them". I want to point out that that would get no response. That is the whole issue which I'm trying to find an "out" for.
Re: A guide to difficult conversations
#24It's funny because few things make me seethe like someone talking to me in this way during a high stress moment. The artifice is transparent and if the conversation is tense the tone is quite easy to read as condescension. I'm hardly dismissing NVC as a tactic, just that when done poorly it's worse than simply being direct.
I won't lie... NVC is really, really hard to achieve. But sometimes it's worth risking making mistakes to achieve your goal.
Re: A guide to difficult conversations
#25Earlier quoted context omitted.
I struggle a lot with communication, but have not found a panacea for the biggest issue I regularly face. Communication requires two people to be willing to talk. If one of them just doesn't want to listen, just hear themselves talk, what can I do? This includes them not listening to me telling them that I'm not willing to talk to them if they're not willing to listen (in more, or even fewer words than that).
Someones we all need a vent. If you hold someone the space to say what they need to — and truly know they've been heard, that opens up space for them to hear. Frustrating sometimes? Definitely. But it works.
Well that is something I can 100% relate to, but it's not the situation I was thinking of.
A typical situation would be someone trying to deflect blame by ensuring they have talked to someone else before making a mistake, just so they won't take 100% of the fallout.
Re: A guide to difficult conversations
#26It's funny because few things make me seethe like someone talking to me in this way during a high stress moment. The artifice is transparent and if the conversation is tense the tone is quite easy to read as condescension. I'm hardly dismissing NVC as a tactic, just that when done poorly it's worse than simply being direct.
I supported my girlfriend throughout her grad studies to become a therapist. A huge part of her studies were in NVC. Even though I didn't go to school with her, I spent a lot of time with her classmates.
Nearly everyone's conclusion, after 3 years of being deeply embedded in NVC, was that they hated it. And for the same reasons you describe.
Re: A guide to difficult conversations
#27It's funny because few things make me seethe like someone talking to me in this way during a high stress moment. The artifice is transparent and if the conversation is tense the tone is quite easy to read as condescension. I'm hardly dismissing NVC as a tactic, just that when done poorly it's worse than simply being direct.
I suspect sampling bias. When you're upset, direct confrontation can be upsetting too! NVC isn't a perfect magic trick that always works, but that's not enough reason to dismiss it.
Re: A guide to difficult conversations
#28This is a valuable post. I have not taken an NVC course before, but I have done a lot of work in negotiations, writing, and was brought up to use this style of communication. One thing I would be interested in either from the OP or someone with experience with NVC, is how you recognize when you are being patronizing. Much of this communication style is the artifact of an implied power relationship, where the speaker…
Great question.
I use NVC frequently to people with a lot more power than me, and I'd actually suggest NVC is actually about putting yourself (and your needs) on the same level as those of the person your speaking with.
The fundamental premise is that fundamental needs are shared by all humans... and the ideal strategy is one where all needs are met.
So, you can avoid patronising someone by truly seeking to understand the other person's feelings and needs without judgement and taking those needs seriously. Again, easy to say, hard to do.
Re: A guide to difficult conversations
#29It's funny because few things make me seethe like someone talking to me in this way during a high stress moment. The artifice is transparent and if the conversation is tense the tone is quite easy to read as condescension. I'm hardly dismissing NVC as a tactic, just that when done poorly it's worse than simply being direct.
I supported my girlfriend throughout her grad studies to become a therapist. A huge part of her studies were in NVC. Even though I didn't go to school with her, I spent a lot of time with her classmates. Nearly everyone's conclusion, after 3 years of being deeply embedded in NVC, was that they hated it. And for the same reasons you describe.
Which of them became good therapists?
I know programmers how hated parts of school and are bad programmers. And some who are great programmers...
Re: A guide to difficult conversations
#30I learned about Non-Violent Communication at a programming conference when the speaker said: "If you want to be a better programmer, read this book" Such a game changer in my pull request comments and life. Non-violent Communication is not easy, it takes continuous practice. I even blogged on each chapter: http://redgreenrepeat.com/2017/05/12/nonviolent-communicatio... and still feel I can improve my communication, e…
I'm curious, if NVC goes for indirect instead of direct conversation.
I was working in an American company (I'm German) and had to learn to adapt to the style of being too nice (in my opinion). E.g. an "it might be better to do it like this", wasn't really meant as a weak suggestion, but a strong one. Something completely counterintuitive to my German mindset. I took it as a "might" and was met with negativity that I didn't exactly follow the "suggestion".
I much prefer language being direct at work. Treat the subjunctive as what it is: expressing uncertainty, not politeness.
I know however that many people, especially outside of Germany, prefer the indirect language, even though they learned to understand it with the same meaning as the direct speech.