51–60 of 65 posts
If you do this, at least one person you love will grow to hate you.
I know almost nobody else here seems to agree with your sentiment, but I do. This is my biggest fear, getting stuck in a relationship that prevents me from pursuing my passions in the way that I want. I want to be able to spend days hacking on things whenever I want. I don't have specific advice for you, other than to say that I feel you on this, because I feel like this thread has been fairly one-sided thus far.
Your situation is extremely similar to the one my dad faced many years ago. Stay together. Even though my parents handled the divorce quite well, and co-parented effectively throughout it, his decision eventually cost him the goodwill of me, my brother, and our entire family. If you do this, at least one person you love will grow to hate you.
Sounds like you need some therapy first.
In my life, this has been a coping mechanism. A way to ignore deeper personal problems. I have spent thousands of hours retreating to a fantasy world of code where I am in total control. The more time I spend here, the more I want to stay.
This entire process started at an early age for me. A poor childhood. I turned inward. No friends. My validation and meaning came from coding.
I have created application after application, thinking I was solving problems or doing something meaningful, but these were just rationalizations to avoid confronting my demons.
Might this be a similar case for you? Is more time to code what you really need, or is it something else?
Looking back I think I could've done better at least in the first one, where we were left with shared custody of kids.
Several points to take into account before making a decision like this:
1. It wasn't clear from your description whether you're going to share custody of those two kids. If you are (and if you cared about a kid long enough, even if it's not yours, you probably are!), then doing it while living separately (and, perhaps, each having a separate partner) is going to be a much bigger effort, which will negatively impact your ability to work on your own ideas. You'll pretty much do all you do today as a parent, spend significant time on commute, spend money, and then spend time, money and emotional energy with a new partner as well. If it ends up this way, it can feel very very limiting.
2. It's possible that your discomfort about living together with someone has more to do with your own habits, way of organizing your life and space and your thinking, then with the choice of a specific partner. E.g. you may run into the same problems with the next woman if you live with her. If you don't, dating while living separately, presents its own set of challenges and does take time and effort (you get some of the freedoms, but if you see each other regularly, time becomes an issue, compounded with a longer commute!)
3. Loved ones often play inspirational role. You get more time and freedom, but possibly less inspiration - will it work?
4. Some of the problems like you mentioned can sometimes be solved with more space. Have you tried moving to a bigger apartment or a house, where you'd set up a quiet workspace for your own projects? It may be worth ($$) investment. I actually regret that I didn't approach my relationship problems as "not enough space problems". Especially given that you describe your wife loves you and is supportive of your needs. Throw some $$ into the problem: make more space, make more time (e.g. hire a nanny, a housekeeper).
5. Take your 10-year old desires with a grain of salt. Are you sure you really want it, or is it just a memory from the past? You can test-drive it without separating permanently.
6. Enjoying the relationships is a skill. There are trained professionals who can help both you and your wife to improve that skill, called "marriage counselors". Definitely worth a shot.
7. If you're in the U.S. and were married for over 10 years, and your wife making less money than you (at least 20% difference), there are high chances she'll be eligible for lifetime spousal support. Think of monetary consequences and limitations they would impose (especially weighting it against "throwing $$ in attempt to improve things"). Consult with a divorce lawyer for more information.
8. Don't stress about it too much, if it ends up in a divorce, try to stay friends, collaborate if there's possible shared custody, and move on. Divorce isn't end of the world.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Pick an upstairs room to do your work in. Put a big sign on the door that says you may only knock on the door if the house is on fire. When you're ready for a break from working on your project, then open the door. Anyone who ignores the sign gets an immediate "Hey! Can't you read?!!"
Maybe we can put an addition on our house to make it a work space or move the kids to the addition and use their bedroom as my work space. It has an insanely large window and overlooks the lake.
Earlier quoted context omitted.
Who do you want to be? Do you want to be a guy who keeps his word, or do you want to be a guy who gets to work on his projects? Look, I get wanting to work on your stuff. And I get how crazy it can make you when you keep getting interrupted. (Like, I get it from direct first-hand experience. " Please stop reading the internet to me. You're destroying all the space in my brain.") But, bluntly, you sound like a very se…
I've thought about if I am being selfish. I'm always doing house work, running errands, running out to pick up dry cleaning, etc. I also make all the meals and general cleaning it up afterwards. So perhaps I'm being selfish emotionally.
Regarding selfishness, it's good to do chores, sure. Dutiful. But the kids you care for are not much mentioned. You may matter more to them together-as-a-couple than you have predicted. So perhaps you are not selfish but detached - from their emotions, and from yours. Just a guess, I don't know you, but are you perhaps too much Apollo and too little Dionysus? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apollonian_and_Dionysian
Because that might also be also leading to a passion-free partnership. Plus, if the problem is too much Apollo, your solution is going to add more of that, and worsen the problem.
They mistakenly think they have fallen out of love with each other. How can you mistakenly think you have fallen out of love with someone? Well, people can mistakenly think they have fallen in love with someone, can't they? So why not the opposite?
Your situation is extremely similar to the one my dad faced many years ago. Stay together. Even though my parents handled the divorce quite well, and co-parented effectively throughout it, his decision eventually cost him the goodwill of me, my brother, and our entire family. If you do this, at least one person you love will grow to hate you.
Thank you for sharing. I do imagine that no matter how OK my wife is, her family will be blowing up my phone for sure. Also, I think my mom will have something to say about it. My dad will offer to take me to a strip club. You can't pick your family.
What effect would this have on them? How would the events unfold in their eyes? Family.... family..... family.... and then: BOOM WTF JUST HAPPENED?