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The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

nytimes.com

51–60 of 167 posts

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#51

Not surprising considering for the past 2-3 generations we've been seeing kids often worse-off than their parents. Crippling student debt, insane healthcare costs, soaring housing prices in major cities. People are anxious and things are more competitive. All while worker productivity continues to increase with stagnant wages. If you look at adjusted median household income over the past 20 years its either stayed ro…

Well put. I personally would opt out of having a kid if I knew they were going to end up outside of the top 20%. I just don't want that life for them and I'm not sure I can guarantee that they end up in the top percentiles.

> The wealth gap in this country is squeezing all the joy out of life for every penny its worth.

Every capitalist society needs a periodical wealth tax, otherwise the natural accumulation of wealth results in such a gap.

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#52
Key quote: "As the gap between rich and poor increases, the cost of screwing up increases. The fear is they’ll end up on the other side of the divide."

In 1970, failure was a job on the assembly line at Ford in Detroit. Until 1974, the auto companies didn't require a high school diploma. Union job, good pay. Now it's homelessness and drug addiction.

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#53
I think over-parenting can be disastrous, particularly emotionally. I had what you might call a "strict" father (mother passed away when I was young), but he was never a helicopter parent. My sister and I were always expected to do things well, but we were never handheld along the way. I finished second in my high school class, and everyone always seemed so surprised when I told them that I never had any help with homework or school projects. I was just told to do my best (whatever grade that might result in). And while my dad was probably a little on the overprotective side when it came to safety, the ability to "figure things out" myself helped drastically when I finally went out on my own.

My wife on the other hand... I hate to use the word "coddled", but I am absolutely astounded at how many basic tasks and life skills were never taught to her. She never learned that you can't dump all of your clothes in the washing machine and set it on hot. She never learned that not watering the yard will quickly kill all of the grass. When I was talking about scheduling a prostate exam, she asked if I could schedule hers too, and I had to explain that women don't have prostates (when she was a kid, she was horrified the first time she had her period because no one explained what that was either).

She doesn't want to get a job because she says she won't have enough vacation time for visiting family, so she's currently living off my income (we don't have children). Her brother finished his PhD over a year ago but has not applied to any jobs and lives in the basement playing video games. I love my wife a lot, but it somehow slipped my attention before we got married that her parents failed her in a big way by doing absolutely everything for her and her siblings. It's translated into a lack of basic adult skills, and I often feel like I'm not a husband in the relationship, but a parent. When I eventually have kids of my own, "figure it out yourself" is going to be a common refrain, because "I'll take care of it" apparently results in a disaster.

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#54
“Intensive parenting is a way for especially affluent white mothers to make sure their children are maintaining their advantaged position in society,” said Jessica Calarco, a sociologist at Indiana University and author of “Negotiating Opportunities: How the Middle Class Secures Advantages in School.”

I guess especially affluent mother of color don't do this? NYT conflating race and class to divide people again.

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#55
Unlike my parents. I have the opportunity to help coach my daughter's soccer team, to read to them each night, to choose from a number of extracurricular activities that we can afford, and attend parent-teacher conferences. Does that mean my wife and I devote more to our children than our parents? Most likely not.

Across generations, we're all struggling to be the best parents we can, even if the methods look very different.

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#57

“Intensive parenting is a way for especially affluent white mothers to make sure their children are maintaining their advantaged position in society,” said Jessica Calarco, a sociologist at Indiana University and author of “Negotiating Opportunities: How the Middle Class Secures Advantages in School.” I guess especially affluent mother of color don't do this? NYT conflating race and class to divide people again.

Agreed. Affluent mothers feed their kids well too. And give them proper medical care. And live in places safer for kids to grow up. It's actually the reason we try to make more money. Its not a game; we earn so we can live better. That's how its supposed to work.

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#58
post #13

Ironically we end up creating a ton of anxiety for kids. And unless we’re giving kids the love and tools needed to process that anxiety, well, then we’re missing the forest for the trees. I have three kids under five years old, and man it goes fast. My philosophy has evolved to this: they’re their own people, not extensions of our own ego, and in the limited time we have influence over them we can help them develop c…

How do you do this?

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

May I ask: where and when did you grow up? Thanks. I grew up not too far from south-central Los Angeles, California, in the 1970s and early 1980s, and was shot at on two occasions by gangs. Raised by my grandparents, I was a full 'free-range' child. Thanks for your reply.

Southern Africa (although not South Africa). Just before the end of apartheid, everyone was gearing up for a fight and everyone was pretty angry. Two men talked the region off a precipice, Nelson Mandela, literally a prince of peace (he was a prince). And secondly Desmond Tutu. And maybe the humanity of young men like those we encountered, who could just as well shot us. It happened elsewhere and at other times.

Also consider the isolation present in the western world. It is a huge factor but kind of invisible because we swim in it.

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#60

That graph with quintiles is a nice illustration of the 80-20 rule.

As someone in a high cost of living area, I looked jealously at that top quintile on the chart.

It basically validates all those parents’ efforts to get their kids into the top 20%, because otherwise you’re treading water or sinking.
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