Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#101

Post by usiegj00 » Wed, Oct 27, 2010, 1:55 PM UTC

I'm father of 6. Ages 7,5,4,3,2 and 8 months. (I'm atheist before you ask.) My best work--in technology has coincided with a pregnant wife. Between our disappearing nightlife schedule (more hack nights FTW!) and the caveman drive to go hunt on the plains (which for me means more LOC), a pregnancy has been productivity heroin.

Yes, a baby does change your life--in other more significant ways. The intensity of emotion cannot be described. But you will know it when you are holding your own son/daughter in your arms for the first time.

Don't dilly-dally. Have kids early. While you believe you are underfunded, underprepared and "distracted" with your tech startup.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#102

Post by Vivtek » Wed, Oct 27, 2010, 1:55 PM UTC

michael_dorfman wrote: post #7

arn wrote: post #2

Having a baby changes everything. And it's weird how you can't even imagine it ahead of time. To answer some of your questions: - Your ability to produce will go down drastically - Your priorities will change. - You will be more tired, and your time will be at a premium. I think the time issue is the main one. Especially for those reading this. I feel like a lot of hackers like sitting down for hours during your free…

It's just that it's like being in a cult. You can't understand until you're in it, and you can't imagine things any other way. This. I've got four daughters, ranging in age from 3 to 13, and even though the "baby years" are behind me (until the grandchildren come, presumably) things are still not "the other way"-- if I can even remember what that was like.

Oh, goody. You have the teen years ahead of you then. Talk about sheer terror - they're busy learning to be separate adults and they will fail. Ugh. My daughter (16) is the most mature, cautious person I have ever known in my life, and it's still terrifying.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#103

Post by awt » Wed, Oct 27, 2010, 1:57 PM UTC

KoZeN wrote: post #12

awt wrote: post #4

Completely changed my life. I have a 3 week old. You have to relearn how to do everything. You have figure out new ways to do things that used to be easy: Cooking/eating Going to the store Sleeping I'm not giving up on my side projects though. My strategy has been to think about my project while actively caring for the baby and to sneak in some coding sessions while she's napping.

Congrats! How are you coping with the sleep deprivation? I'm a father to a 6 month old boy and I got to a point where I was so tired I felt I could see through time.

Probably getting 5 hours a night and a nap mid day so doing ok. It is hard getting up in the middle of the night though.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#104

Post by petervandijck » Wed, Oct 27, 2010, 1:57 PM UTC

Tyrannosaurs wrote: post #58

joxenford wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sleep separate. We are on baby #2 and #1 slept in our bed for almost 12 mos. It was terrible as the baby got bigger an would move around. No one got sleep. Sleep deprivation is bad for parenting and marriages. If you knew your child's school bus driver was operating on 3-4 hours sleep you'd pitch a fit, why should parents do the same? #2 is sleeping in her room in crib and we have a twin bed in that room and we take…

My experience is that sleeping together makes things easier at the beginning when it does calm them but it's harder to break it the later you leave it so you're just trading off early pain for later pain. We took the pain early and it's worked out well enough that we'll likely do the same the next time round.

Our experience was great. She slept with us for a month or so (breastfeeding). Then we felt we'd sleep a little better if we put her in her own bed right next to us, so we did that (in the same room) for a few months. Being in the same room makes it easier because you don't have to go check on her in another room. Then at 6 months or so we put her in her own room. It all went totally smooth.

Don't be afraid to sleep with the baby if you feel like it, and don't be afraid to put them in their own bed if you feel like it. It's ok. Also, putting them in their own bed in the same room for a little while gives you a lot of advantages (easy to check on them without getting out of bed etc.)

Basically, just do what you feel like and if it isn't working try something else.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#105

Post by galisevych » Wed, Oct 27, 2010, 1:58 PM UTC

sure it is changing the life, and everything around. Sometimes it is hard, but isn't it why we live our lives?

You can be selfish as you want to be and you will die alone, without anything worth living.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#106

Post by hunterjrj » Wed, Oct 27, 2010, 1:59 PM UTC

I'll comment from witnessing how intense focus on a startup during it's earliest phases can affect a family with very young kids:

Founder of a software startup I used to work for was highly dedicated to his work and as the company began to see success, his family fell apart. He spent time traveling to meet with his customers and occasional travel turned into constant travel. When he wasn't traveling, he was working. Eventually his wife demanded a separation and eventually a divorce. I'd sometimes be on the road with him and can recall more than one occasion when he'd be calling home to wish his kids happy birthday. I found that to be a little sad. Now he sees his kids on weekends. Lives alone in a beautiful, but empty, house.

Clearly this won't be the case for everyone but unless you are able to strike a balance you might find success comes at a very high price.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#107

Post by brc » Wed, Oct 27, 2010, 2:01 PM UTC

Just remember raising kids is what you are basically designed to do.

It's not a project to outsource, or to delegate, or to bend to the latest fads. There's an entire industry designed to take advantage of your cluelessness as a new parent and make you purchase things out of guilt or stress. Just remember millions of kids are raised in mud huts next to wood fires.

Do what feels natural and appreciate you're going to make mistakes. Do some reading but don't obsess with a particular author or movement. Cherry pick what works for you.

To answer a question directly, having kids does inspire you to do more but gives you less resources to do it. You will make new friends and drift away from old ones.

But above all, remember that this is what you're designed to do.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#108

Post by petervandijck » Wed, Oct 27, 2010, 2:01 PM UTC

Tichy wrote: post #90

qstyk wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Consult your pediatrician before even considering letting your infant sleep with you. There may be additional SIDS concerns.

My son is two weeks old by now, and the nurses at the hospital all said that a mother won't crush her child in bed. Apparently women have some kinds of instincts at work here. Men are a less safe bet, apparently. My sister (a phyisician) said that it can be dangerous if the men are drugged (alcohol, for example). There is also the sudden infant death syndrome. They still don't know what's going on, but statistics see…

You won't crush your baby, don't worry about it. (Unless you go to sleep drunk or something, I mean, really!)

You can put that big pregnancy pillow around them for extra comfort.

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#109

Post by rahoulb » Wed, Oct 27, 2010, 2:06 PM UTC

Vivtek wrote: post #91

Oh, where to start? Having a baby entirely eliminates your life and replaces it with a different one. And you can't undo it. You cannot spend all your time on a project now - you have to change your priorities. This is not an option, and unfortunately it's not something that happens magically by itself, either. Like maintaining a marriage, it's something you choose to do because not to do so is unthinkable. The payof…

Agreed - you sacrifice who you are/were but become a better person for it.

(I've got 2 girls - 6 and 16).

Re: Ask HN: How does having a baby change your life?

#110

Post by petervandijck » Wed, Oct 27, 2010, 2:07 PM UTC

Tichy wrote: post #96

Two weeks in, I definitely feel more determined than ever, but sleep is still a problem. A couple of months into the pregnancy I took on a 9 to 5 job, which I wouldn't have considered otherwise. Then it became a problem to quit that job again, when it turned out to be boring (like most jobs) - risk aversion is definitely way up, also for the spouse. Luckily now the company branch dissolved anyway, problem solved. I a…

"to show my son that it is possible to have a fulfilling life" -> (Throwing my hands in the air): AMEN to that!

I think teaching values is partly explaining things to your kids, but mostly being an example. You do NOT have to become a boring 9-5 man when you get kids. Rather, become a scrappy entrepreneur who can afford to spend heaps of time with his kids because they have that flexibility.