Reading your answer made me feel a little less crazy (thank you?). It is actually reassuring to know there are people experiencing the same stuff and doubts, and that i'm not alone.
We all should really talk about this with our friends, coworkers, etc. We should let the word out. I don't know about you but I feel embarrassed of this condition, like I'm a lesser person because of this. And not talking about it makes me even more anxious... I don't like admitting it. When I talk about it freely (like I am doing now, in a somewhat leap of confidence (hopelessness? haah)) I feel way more relaxed and the monster becomes a little smaller.
We are probably fine bro! You certainly wouldn't be able to bike 16km with a heart condition. It's all in our heads.
Also, there is a lot of it to being a perfectionist. I somewhere read that having a low pulse is a good sign. When I'm really relaxed my pulse is like, 60-58bpm.... now picture this:
I am at work right now, sitting in my chair, typing this and juggling 10 other tasks, I am definitely not relaxed. Just measured my pulse using a cellphone app, I'm at 70bpm, which is quite good (since the normal range is 60-100). BUT:
- Why did I measure my HR in the first place just because I read about yours, even tho I am not experiencing any kind of symptoms right now?
- Having measured it, and seeing a pretty normal number, why am I not satisfied? why am I apprehensive that it's not the 'best' number that could come out, it's only a 'good' number? I would have had some reason to be worried if i was sitting here feeling absolutely nothing and then I got a reading of idk, 105bpm. So why everything has to be always perfect in my head?
We create these fantasies that things are/should be clear cut in real life, but we know everything is chaotic and imperfect. As we cling more and more into our 'perfect mental models' we suffer because it will always mismatch with reality.
We should take a moment to stop and be grateful for what we have, instead of suffering for not attaining the perfect unattainable pattern we strive for.
Answering your question: I have taken meds before (Xanax), and all symptoms went away, and then my ocd kinda receded too, I had a phase I simply forgot about all this and just lived.
I am off it now because my doctor said I am already experienced enough to power through the panic attacks, and she knew I have a preference for not being on meds if I can (which is where I am now - trying to be sane and exercise and eat well and just power through).
My BP phobia is really hard on me but if I don't relapse to the 'measuring everyday all day long' stage I am not going back to meds, nope. I want the real thing.
Right now I am managing it quite okay, following the shrink's recommendation to just NOT MEASURE IT. not even if i have symptoms, not even if i have palpitations. The thought occurs to me and I try to acknowledge it and talk myself out of it, much like starting to meditate.
Sorry for the huge answer but I felt 'at home' sharing this with you since it looks like we are very similar in this regard. Hope this helps you and everyone that reads this.
If you wanna reach out, I am here.
o/