I’m with you.
It’s been a struggle to reconcile life on it and off it.
For six years I pinned. EW or EOD or ED. I got tired of it. It was consuming, and I felt like an addict.
Testosterone is a carnal experience.
I got tired of the mood swings. I felt amazing but, unstable. Certain things were not stable. My relationships specifically.
I’m off it now, and I have to say, life is not as colorful, not as intense, not as visceral, not as exciting.
My sex drive is average.
I retained a lot of muscle mass. I still look good, and healthy. But I am a larger human being. I don’t see that changing too much. I’m not as lean. My hair has receded faster than it otherwise would have if I never took it. I have more bodyhair, specifically the back and chest and stomach, which isn’t all that sexy. I used to shave it. But I don’t even care anymore. Take me as I am.
I miss the pump. The fullness. The excitement. The leanness. The vascularity. The ability to have sex 10 times in a row. The euphoric organisms that were like pure ecstasy. I loved sex.
The endless energy.
But I also felt like it was all artificial. That I was not really this person without it. And it was self obsessive. Mostly worried about what other people thought. It was so carnal, so... superficial. Physical.
That didn’t leave me feeling too great.
I think about getting back on. I’d look better. I’d feel better. It’s like the best antidepressant, if you can handle occasional mood swings and intense reactions.
But I’m happy. I’m calmer. My life is more consistent. The highs aren’t are high, but neither are the lows. The relationship with my girlfriend has gotten more stable. The fact that I’ve had a girlfriend more than a year is a testament to being off.
I’m focusing on my intellectual pursuits once again.
Maybe when I’m approaching 40 I’ll consider TRT again.
Until then, I’m okay with the way things are, and the way I am.