Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014) • Hacker News Board

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#71

Post by dominotw » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 5:22 PM UTC

ta1234567890 wrote: post #64

dominotw wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> plan to avoid hunger Isn't this the most natural feeling in all animals. It is ok to be hungry, most people all over the world don't think of hunger as a feeling to be avoided at all costs. Being hungry is ok.

Yes, it is a natural feeling and it is ok to be hungry, just be aware that when you are hungry you behave differently than when you are not, and it might actually play against you (have you seen the Snickers commercial? It's spot on). It can also be used in your favor, for example there was some research about the severity of sentences relative to the time of day. What they found out is that judges are more lenient (…

Yea hangry is a legit word in dictionary https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/hangry

But I was concerned that eliminating a natural feeling will also eliminate benefits associated with both for mind and body.

I grew up poor in third world country and eating constantly was not a thing and being hungry was as natural as being sweaty. In rich countries you never get practice dealing with hunger, you never get a chance to make peace with in recognize it as a valid feeling. People never leave house without a snack in their bag.

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#72

Post by charlesdm » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 5:33 PM UTC

throwaway713 wrote: post #11

I'll quote Richard White's answer on Quora to the question "What was the worst thing your parents ever did to you?" > Every day from as early as I can remember, they were clearly and obviously in love with each other. Even after 50 years of marriage they were still acting like two teenagers going steady. They always supported each other in everything they did or tried to do. They "had each other's backs" at all times…

My cousin has this with her husband. They're likely the best couple I have ever seen. Not a single fight, ever, afaik (from what her sister told me). They're best friends. Two great kids, wealthy and successful, and overall they just have a ton of fun together living and enjoying life.

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#73

Post by DougN7 » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 5:33 PM UTC

Pica_soO wrote: post #18

_emacsomancer_ wrote: post #5

Good non-romantic relationships also often come down to kindness & generosity.

All relationships boil down to two life-forms trying to pull one another over the counter to archive goals that are detrimental to the short term interests of both individuals. For that to work, both sides got to have mental bugs, exploits and hooks. Have fun on your next date, finding out what emotional responses are part of the long term bonding, why they are important and how they act directly/ indirectly against…

I would postulate that is the definition if immaturity, or at least short-sightedness. Sooner or later people start looking for ways that both can win, in the short term and in the long term. Sometimes that means giving up something you want now for something you want even more later. It takes time to see that though, which is why it’s rare to see in very young people. (I don’t know you personally, so this isn’t directed at you, just a counter argument).

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#74

Post by DoreenMichele » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 5:45 PM UTC

justwalt wrote: post #48

logicchains wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>No marriage is perfect. Every couple fights sometimes, if both people are being real with each other, and if they're not, that's a huge problem in itself. Buying into this argument that "every couple fight sometimes" is why so many people never eliminate fights from their relationships, because they think it's normal and so never put the effort into bettering themselves and addressing the root causes of problems so…

Your post rings very true for me. I’ve always preferred a more relaxed and methodical approach to “fights,” which makes them more like solution focused discussions, and my most recent ex seemed to expect to scream at each other before we could get to the bottom of the issue. It reminded me of the Monty Python bartering sketch. Why cause hurt if you both want to solve a problem?

I agree with you and I do my best to approach things as communication about a problem, not fighting per se, but a lot of people have life experiences of various sorts that cause them have big feels about various issues and to expect to be crapped on, no matter how they handle it. This means if you are really sincere and decent, you will frequently find yourself paying for past relationships, and not necessarily just romantic ones.

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#75

Post by watwut » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 5:51 PM UTC

ivm wrote: post #62

watwut wrote: post #54

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not clinging on our opinions imply that said opinion is not much important to you. It is easy to make compromise over dinner meal. It is harder to move away from what you consider right in ethical sense or what is important for your self respect. Most couples eventually run into something like that. I don't mean something dramatic here, just personally important. After all, you are marrying real independent person no…

> Not clinging on our opinions imply that said opinion is not much important to you. On the contrary, it's more important to be able to reconsider your strong opinions. > It is harder to move away from what you consider right in ethical sense Why marry if your ethics are different? > what is important for your self respect Unless it's an abusive relationship, I can't imagine a situation where the self respect can be…

> Usually it's just the ego whining about getting what it wants and disguising it as "self respect".

Is this meant to be demostration or rational kind non-emotional solution to dis agreement? Because on the face of it, you simply tried to insult fictional partner. Sure, partner is less likely to argue if you label his demands this way. It won't actually solve the problem however and over time he will figure out what you are doing.

It won't lead to appreciation through, more like resentment and anger.

> There's a wide spectrum of emotions but most of them aren't required in a relationship. As the OP's article says, focus on kindness and appreciation.

You partner will not appreciate if you ignore his negative emotions. Or mock them as above. For one, it is not kind. For the other, he or she will have to look for support elsewhere.

You can have illusion of kindness if you mock partner for not being perfect match to you or if you split first time serious real disagreement happen. Or if you never marry because by the time you know everything about partner to be absolutely certain you two agree about everything including situations you have never been through, you two about to retire.

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#76

Post by jl2718 » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 5:53 PM UTC

mercer wrote: post #20

cup-of-tea wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All true and don't forget the sex with other people that everyone secretly wants at all times. Women are ready to "trade up" for another man, men just want to mate with other women. Couples who have only slept with each other don't seem to suffer from this. Couples where one or both had a lot of sex before getting together will suffer and will usually end having affairs.

Do you have any links to evidence for this being the case? Honestly curious.

https://i.imgur.com/mPToGid.jpg

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#77

Post by ivm » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 6:04 PM UTC

watwut wrote: post #75

ivm wrote: post #62

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Not clinging on our opinions imply that said opinion is not much important to you. On the contrary, it's more important to be able to reconsider your strong opinions. > It is harder to move away from what you consider right in ethical sense Why marry if your ethics are different? > what is important for your self respect Unless it's an abusive relationship, I can't imagine a situation where the self respect can be…

> Usually it's just the ego whining about getting what it wants and disguising it as "self respect". Is this meant to be demostration or rational kind non-emotional solution to dis agreement? Because on the face of it, you simply tried to insult fictional partner. Sure, partner is less likely to argue if you label his demands this way. It won't actually solve the problem however and over time he will figure out what…

I'm not insulting a "fictional partner": I mentioned below that I'm in a ten-year-old relationship without fights and that's how I manage my emotions and solve my inner problems that would lead to a fight in our first years together.

The problems you're describing do not arise at all when both partners keep their egos in bay and strive for kindness.

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#78

Post by laythea » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 6:34 PM UTC

throwaway713 wrote: post #11

I'll quote Richard White's answer on Quora to the question "What was the worst thing your parents ever did to you?" > Every day from as early as I can remember, they were clearly and obviously in love with each other. Even after 50 years of marriage they were still acting like two teenagers going steady. They always supported each other in everything they did or tried to do. They "had each other's backs" at all times…

I would ask if you have kids?

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#79

Post by laythea » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 6:50 PM UTC

rayiner wrote: post #40

EGreg wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don’t believe it is only a skill. If it were, a master could pick a random person on the street and have an amazing marriage with them. In my opinion, just like a job, there is only so much willpower and motivation you have. It’s a finite resource. A person that you are 1) Sexually attracted to 2) Emotionally connected with 3) Makes you happy by just being themselves Will make you happy and motivated to work things…

Matchmaking is overrated, and people expect too much out of relationships. My family is from Bangladesh where the marriages, though typically not arranged per se, involve less of a "trying on clothes" aspect than in the U.S. It's not clear to me that marriages are any happier here. (People are of course more likely to get divorced here, but are likely to end up in a second or third marriage that is not particularly h…

I agree both systems are rubbish. One leaves more dismantled families than the other though.

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#80

Post by laythea » Sun, Jun 24, 2018, 6:56 PM UTC

ta1234567890 wrote: post #64

dominotw wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> plan to avoid hunger Isn't this the most natural feeling in all animals. It is ok to be hungry, most people all over the world don't think of hunger as a feeling to be avoided at all costs. Being hungry is ok.

Yes, it is a natural feeling and it is ok to be hungry, just be aware that when you are hungry you behave differently than when you are not, and it might actually play against you (have you seen the Snickers commercial? It's spot on). It can also be used in your favor, for example there was some research about the severity of sentences relative to the time of day. What they found out is that judges are more lenient (…

"What they found out is that judges are more lenient (give out lesser sentences) at the beginning of the day (right after breakfast) and right after lunch - the opposite was true as well, the harshest sentences were given right before lunch and by the end of the day."

If that's true, and I can imagine it may hold some weight, it is a depressing reality we live in.