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Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

theatlantic.com

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Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#11

Post by throwaway713 »

I'll quote Richard White's answer on Quora to the question "What was the worst thing your parents ever did to you?"

> Every day from as early as I can remember, they were clearly and obviously in love with each other. Even after 50 years of marriage they were still acting like two teenagers going steady. They always supported each other in everything they did or tried to do. They "had each other's backs" at all times.

> I have spent my life trying to find that same kind of relationship - and haven't been able to.

> They unknowingly set the bar too high, I guess.

Like Richard, my parents had an essentially perfect marriage for 18 years until my mother passed away from cancer. They never fought. Ever. They were truly each other's best friend. I guess as a kid I just assumed that all marriages were like that since I didn't grow up knowing otherwise.

My biggest dream in life had always been to have a marriage like theirs. My own marriage just passed the one year mark, and unfortunately it has been a disaster so far. I'm crushed in so many ways, and it's really just taken the spirit out of me. I hope we can fix it (with counseling) but I'm not sure if we can truly ever recover; I have too much resentment over what has been said and done to me at this point.

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#12

Post by alanfranzoni »

Interesting, in the fact that small acts could define a relationship. Less interesting from a global perspective of a relationship.

I don't think (but I may be wrong) that a lot of people take fights at random (the med school example looks very dumb, to me) unless there's a underlying cause.

And, learning to give _and accept_ criticism is as important as well. It's very easy IMHO to be positive when everything is fine, the sun shining, and you've got plenty of free time for yourself and your partner.

What if life/job/kids make you feel "squeezed" and you can't totally and always fulfill somebody's emotional requirements? The art of compromise, alas, is the hard part of a relationship.

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#13

Post by propogandist »

5thbootloader wrote: post #10
zxcvvcxz wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Somewhat raw but at the end of the day I'd say mostly true. I'll add my own conjecture: the root problem is that this hypothetical couple you describe (who is more common than many would like to admit) are both settling. They are settling because they didn't take marriage seriously earlier in their lives. They didn't take marriage seriously because society stopped forcing them to do so. And nature also didn't force t…

Do you imply that the only way of having a meaningful life when your job is mediocre is by creating a family? What about other recreational activities or hobbies? Somewhat anecdotally, I recall a grade school teacher that was single in her 50s but remained active within a large volunteer community supporting youth. She often discussed how her participation in this circle gave her life purpose. Maybe the systemic issu…

the only thing that is certain in life is the grave, all else is vanity (Ecclesiastes AMP).

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#15

Post by everdev »

throwaway713 wrote: post #11

I'll quote Richard White's answer on Quora to the question "What was the worst thing your parents ever did to you?" > Every day from as early as I can remember, they were clearly and obviously in love with each other. Even after 50 years of marriage they were still acting like two teenagers going steady. They always supported each other in everything they did or tried to do. They "had each other's backs" at all times…

I'm sorry to hear about the pain you've received in your marriage. Sometimes seeing counselors individually can help if the dynamic between you is too toxic. That way you can unload and process your feelings without causing further pain to each other. Then, once you've reconnected with yourself you can come together in a more constructive and intentional way to repair if you choose to do so.

It's also common for parents to hide their fighting from their kids. Unfortunately, this also hides how they resolve conflict so we have to learn that later in life. Relationships are not about fixing the perfect match that is in alignment with your wants and desires, but about finding someone who will help you grow. It sounds like your partner has introduced you to conflict and conflict resolution which sucks in the moment, but if you can make it through and grow from it will help with your relationship or any future ones you pursue.

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#16

Post by ScottBurson »

throwaway713 wrote: post #11

I'll quote Richard White's answer on Quora to the question "What was the worst thing your parents ever did to you?" > Every day from as early as I can remember, they were clearly and obviously in love with each other. Even after 50 years of marriage they were still acting like two teenagers going steady. They always supported each other in everything they did or tried to do. They "had each other's backs" at all times…

No marriage is perfect. Every couple fights sometimes, if both people are being real with each other, and if they're not, that's a huge problem in itself. (I think everdev is probably right: they didn't let you see them fighting.)

The goal is not to never fight; it's to always fight fair. Sounds like your parents didn't show you how to do that — which is too bad, if they themselves knew, because most people don't. In any case, you now need to learn how, and any relationship you're in is a great place to start.

If you reach a point where you know you're fighting fair but your spouse isn't, and doesn't seem to care that they're not, that's a reasonable time to give up on the relationship.

Reread everdev's reply too — it's really good. Good luck!

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#17

Post by cup-of-tea »

throwaway713 wrote: post #11

I'll quote Richard White's answer on Quora to the question "What was the worst thing your parents ever did to you?" > Every day from as early as I can remember, they were clearly and obviously in love with each other. Even after 50 years of marriage they were still acting like two teenagers going steady. They always supported each other in everything they did or tried to do. They "had each other's backs" at all times…

Had you never lived together before marriage and maybe hadn't been together very long beforehand? Or did getting married actually change something? Or maybe the marriage was a bandage for an already failing relationship?

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#18

Post by Pica_soO »

_emacsomancer_ wrote: post #5

Good non-romantic relationships also often come down to kindness & generosity.

All relationships boil down to two life-forms trying to pull one another over the counter to archive goals that are detrimental to the short term interests of both individuals. For that to work, both sides got to have mental bugs, exploits and hooks.

Have fun on your next date, finding out what emotional responses are part of the long term bonding, why they are important and how they act directly/ indirectly against your interests.

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#19

Post by cup-of-tea »

telltruth wrote: post #7

Ok... I'll bite. This feel good article doesn't do justice to relationship issues at all. A lot of relationship issues simply arise from compromises that have been done in past. May be woman is desperate in finding husband and man is realizing he is getting out of options. Both gets married despite knowing incompatibilities here and there. People tell them "opposite attracts". Ummm... no. There is of course honeymoon…

All true and don't forget the sex with other people that everyone secretly wants at all times. Women are ready to "trade up" for another man, men just want to mate with other women. Couples who have only slept with each other don't seem to suffer from this. Couples where one or both had a lot of sex before getting together will suffer and will usually end having affairs.

Re: Masters of Love: Lasting relationships come down to kindness, generosity (2014)

#20

Post by mercer »

cup-of-tea wrote: post #19
telltruth wrote: post #7

Ok... I'll bite. This feel good article doesn't do justice to relationship issues at all. A lot of relationship issues simply arise from compromises that have been done in past. May be woman is desperate in finding husband and man is realizing he is getting out of options. Both gets married despite knowing incompatibilities here and there. People tell them "opposite attracts". Ummm... no. There is of course honeymoon…

All true and don't forget the sex with other people that everyone secretly wants at all times. Women are ready to "trade up" for another man, men just want to mate with other women. Couples who have only slept with each other don't seem to suffer from this. Couples where one or both had a lot of sex before getting together will suffer and will usually end having affairs.

Do you have any links to evidence for this being the case? Honestly curious.
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