Earlier quoted context omitted.
"and we have to pretend we're designers to work around people like this who have no idea how to hire actual technical people." I honestly don't know what you mean by this.
My current resume has approximately 6 different fonts, left and right justified fields, bullet points, and tables just so it looks just good enough to get past the HR drones (many of whom are wonderful people despite being a resume gatekeeper). It was an agonizing process, but the end result is something that recruiters recognize as being well designed. I hate having to maintain it. That's what I mean by pretending.
Dear God, is that really what they're looking for? Tech hiring gets more ridiculous every day.