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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#391

Post by manmal »

Aramgutang wrote: post #378
BrandoElFollito wrote: post #357

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This reminds me of all these obese people who a are obese because of "health issues", to cover their horrific lifestyle. 98% of the cases, probably (I am being generous). Same with the timekeeping : some feel that they are so unique and mentally impaired that keeping time is beyond them. But they just do not give a shit about others. I was 30 kg overweight and had all kind of excuses (including a medical condition).…

I'm one of those perpetually late people. There was a time when I was slightly overweight. I changed my diet, started lifting weights and running, and ended up running a marathon 18 months later. But I couldn't fix my lateness. Pretty sure I had to run to the marathon starting area to be able to start with my group. I've found that exercising control over my body is easy. The body is stupid. It does what I tell it to…

I‘m exactly like this. The only way that helps is to get ready 30-60m ahead of the time I had originally planned to, and then wait it out. But since I hate to wait on other people, I don’t do this as often.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#392

Post by kenjackson »

Aramgutang wrote: post #341
odammit wrote: post #258

Earlier quoted context omitted.

“Punctuality obsessed” or person that takes the effort to make time to hang out with a friend, offered them the respect of showing up on time just to have their time wasted by you not showing up on time. If you do it all the time, you’re inconsiderate.

Have you considered that we may be incapable, rather than inconsiderate? Especially if it's "all the time"? Do you think that those of us without adequate executive function are on time for things we deem truly important? If you do, then you might want to challenge that notion, and see if that affects your viewpoint.

Are you also incapable of telling people that you won't be on time? You seem to articulate it fine here.

If you tell me that you'll pick me up at 5pm, but show up at 7pm... I'll be upset most likely. But if you tell me that you'll pick me up at 5pm, but will probably be late, maybe even hours late... I'll get it... And will adjust accordingly (most likely I'll get a ride with someone else if at all time critical).

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#393

Post by icebraining »

shaklee3 wrote: post #342
JimboOmega wrote: post #332

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's very possible to have every intent and desire to be on time, and still fail at it. Some people have problem with things like attention and executive function that make planning in time very difficult. For you it might be an issue of not caring. IT's not for everyone.

It's really not that hard unless you have kids. Just leave earlier. Like someone said, you wouldn't be late for a flight since you actually care.

You haven't met really time-impaired people if you don't think they'd miss flights and many other things they "actually care".

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#395

Post by Double_a_92 »

leggomylibro wrote: post #69

As someone petering towards the end of their 20s with no friends or people in their life at all... Y'all are scaring me.

Same here. Wanna be friends? xD

I always associated friendship with the things we were doing togheter. E.g. in college my mates were friends because we could work on projects togheter while having some fun doing it. Without that they are just random nice people that I happened to know... There was never an urge to do more with them like drinking a beer or so. Am I weird?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#396

Post by maus42 »

gowld wrote: post #293
aianus wrote: post #217

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I didn't want to be the first to say it, but it does feel very inappropriate and gay to ask another straight man that I barely know to hang out one-on-one. Which means that you need to meet potential friends through and with a group which makes it a lot more difficult.

That's a common form of homo-phobia (phobia as in fear, not as in hate). It's the attitude I see in people insecure about their own sexuality, who see a problem where there is none.

Giving it another name ("homophobia", "insecure about their own sexuality") does not make the issue go away for the people who suffer from it.

You don't magically grow more confident about your sexuality (or your whatever) by hearing that you are insecure about it. Or at least, I don't know how.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#397

Post by Angostura »

nitrogen wrote: post #351
groby_b wrote: post #285

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…

It's quite arrogant for one to think that just because someone is late, they are late out of a lack of respect for one's time. The early person upset their time was wasted is being equally if not more selfish by expecting everyone to move to their whims.

I’ll be certain to mention their arrogance the next time I turn up somewhere late. Thank you for letting me see what arseholes they are.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#398

Post by Double_a_92 »

hackits wrote: post #94
Thriptic wrote: post #70

I find myself in this boat as we speak, and I'm not even 30. I certainly have plenty of acquaintances at work and at the hobbies and activities I participate in, and we do some group things every few months. I also have several close friends who I chat with every day online who don't live near me anymore. However, I have 0 real friends who I interact with IRL. If you asked me who I would call if I was having an emerg…

Have you thought about joining a gym? Are you actively seeking out friendships or befriending people in there 20's? Have you tried connecting with people in there 40's, 50's? Personally I think that the world `friend` have been de-valued to the point used interchangeably with acquaintance. Also the modern social `self help` book's that mostly recommend venting people from ones life that are too needy or selfish and t…

> Have you thought about joining a gym?

Is it actually common to find friends or even acquaintances there? I always imagined it as a solitary activity...

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#399

Post by _mrmnmly »

ggg9990 wrote: post #3

One anecdatum: I simply lost most interest in having friends by 25. I lost the rest when I had a kid. Now my friends are my daughter’s friends parents. I don’t really like them, I just end up chit chatting with them while our daughters play.

That's interesting. I'm a parent of 3yrs old boy, and can't force myself to start chit-chatting with other parents during e.g. parent-teacher meetings at his kindergarten. Maybe that's because I've decided to setup a family earlier than my colleagues and now I'm surrounded by parents who are ~ 5 years (at least) older than me.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#400

Post by manmal »

devmunchies wrote: post #354
Aramgutang wrote: post #344

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, whenever I'm running 30 minutes late, whatever I did in those 30 minutes was nowhere near as important as the other person's time. It was probably something that didn't deserve my time at all that day, or sometimes even any other day. Those of us who are deficient in executive function aren't "choosing to not give a damn". It's not a "choice". If you're a person who always has complete control over their actions,…

You make yourself sound so powerless and victimized. Surely a self-fulfilling prophecy. You do have a choice—many of them. But it sounds like you’ve made them all in advance.

Your comment might come across a bit condescending, coming from someone who perhaps has better executive function (do you?), but I agree that victimization is a BIG problem. Eg every drug addict counselor will tell you that you cannot get better without taking ownership (not blame; that’s separate things!).

The problem with low exec function is that you do not realize WHEN you have choices to make; you get sucked into an activity and forget to stop and reflect the situation. In the process you overlook chances to decide, so you get the impression that you cannot decide anything (thus the victimization). Coding does this a lot to me btw, while other activities don’t; might have to do with the amount of energy required for the task as hand.

BUT you can choose to train yourself to stop in regular intervals and contemplate the current situation. Over time this will improve. I‘m also experimenting with near infrared light shone on the forehead, which for some reason does wonders for this (increasing energy available to the frontal lobe maybe?).

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