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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#371

Post by yorak »

Swizec wrote: post #330
Proof wrote: post #311

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But it’s far more better to time everything just right so that one arrives at said meeting right on time, no later nor sooner. I think living in Finland has conditioned this type of attitude of not being too early(for fear of wasting time waiting) or too late (fear of being rude). One thing that helps significantly is to know travel times(by bus,car, etc) and allocate rough estimate to them. Luckily most Euro countri…

> But it’s far more better to time everything just right so that one arrives at said meeting right on time, This is really really not true for parties. The polite thing to do for a party, as long as it is not a dinner party, is to be at least 1 hour late. Nobody expects guests earlier than that. It’s the unspoken rule. For dinner parties the usual 15 minutes late is on time.

Ah, perhaps in the other corners of the world, but in Finland we do not play such "games". That is, if you invite someone over by 17 pm, it might mean by 18 pm, or might not. Here, if you invite someone at 17 pm, whatever the cause, that is the target one should be aiming for. Some think of our culture as too direct or blunt, but in my mind ambiguity and misunderstandings are a root cause of much misery. :)

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#372

Post by devmunchies »

Aramgutang wrote: post #360
devmunchies wrote: post #354

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You make yourself sound so powerless and victimized. Surely a self-fulfilling prophecy. You do have a choice—many of them. But it sounds like you’ve made them all in advance.

Surely. Surely not something I've battled with great effort for a very long time. Surely not something I've sought and received treatment for. Surely it's just a choice I made. Maybe people walking around with a cast and crutches are just making themselves look "powerless and victimised". Surely.

You seem to be in a hole, friend.

Victimization is a state of mind. You could be confined to a wheel chair but that doesn’t make you powerless.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#373

Post by dazc »

JimboOmega wrote: post #332
groby_b wrote: post #285

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…

It's very possible to have every intent and desire to be on time, and still fail at it. Some people have problem with things like attention and executive function that make planning in time very difficult. For you it might be an issue of not caring. IT's not for everyone.

'It's very possible to have every intent and desire to be on time, and still fail at it.'

The people who try to arrive 'just in time' are the ones this usually applies to though.

If you've ever worked at a place where you have a long commute you'll likely have noticed that the people who are consistently late are those who live closest.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#374

Post by tobr »

BrandoElFollito wrote: post #357
JimboOmega wrote: post #332

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's very possible to have every intent and desire to be on time, and still fail at it. Some people have problem with things like attention and executive function that make planning in time very difficult. For you it might be an issue of not caring. IT's not for everyone.

This reminds me of all these obese people who a are obese because of "health issues", to cover their horrific lifestyle. 98% of the cases, probably (I am being generous). Same with the timekeeping : some feel that they are so unique and mentally impaired that keeping time is beyond them. But they just do not give a shit about others. I was 30 kg overweight and had all kind of excuses (including a medical condition).…

This comment is perpetuating many falsehoods about obesity. For most people with chronic obesity, it is not really a matter of willpower. Just because the direct cause of their condition is too high food intake, it does not mean that it’s a “choice”. Their bodies are programmed to require large amounts of food. Losing weight by willpower in the short term just increases the signals to eat, and may cause weight gain in the long run.

The only effective treatment in the long run is gastric bypass.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#375

Post by Markoff »

tspike wrote: post #254
Markoff wrote: post #125

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I would like to do activities and meet new people and have social life, but what will you choose - spending time with your kids or social life? I can't go for beer or travel or whatever while holding hand of toddler. But people without children really have no excuse. edit: to make things even worse if i go somewhere by myself with child, all i see are groups/cults of mothers discussing parenting stuff, it's very rare…

I don't know where you live, but in my town it's very common to bring children to have a beer. The local brewery even has complimentary diapers in the mens bathroom. I count myself lucky to have that as an option, but even if I didn't I would see if friends wanted to go down to the waterfront to have a beer and let my kiddo run around happy as can be. Travel is certainly more difficult than it used to be, but I've fo…

i think it's completely unheard in many European countries, you have family restaurants but that's not place to hang out with other and man looking after children it's still very rare

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#376

Post by DoreenMichele »

Aramgutang wrote: post #344
groby_b wrote: post #285

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you are running 30 minutes late, you are saying that whatever you did in those 30 minutes is significantly more important than the fact that the other person loses 30 minutes. Occasionally, that is true. Most often, it is simply a sign that you disrespect the other person. It's not about being "obsessed with punctuality", it's about realizing that the other person has a schedule that you are impacting as well. And…

No, whenever I'm running 30 minutes late, whatever I did in those 30 minutes was nowhere near as important as the other person's time. It was probably something that didn't deserve my time at all that day, or sometimes even any other day. Those of us who are deficient in executive function aren't "choosing to not give a damn". It's not a "choice". If you're a person who always has complete control over their actions,…

Work on your health and nutritional status. One of my sons had terrible executive function. With getting healthier, he is slowly getting his act together.

/anecdata

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#377

Post by odammit »

ZenoArrow wrote: post #356
odammit wrote: post #258

Earlier quoted context omitted.

“Punctuality obsessed” or person that takes the effort to make time to hang out with a friend, offered them the respect of showing up on time just to have their time wasted by you not showing up on time. If you do it all the time, you’re inconsiderate.

Speaking personally, I'm frequently running late for events, but it has nothing to do with being inconsiderate, as I tend to be reasonably considerate in other ways. It's also a family trait, which is something we joke about, and my family includes some of the most considerate people I've ever met. I get that waiting around doing nothing is annoying, but it doesn't have to be that way. For example, if I'm meeting up…

I lived in Roatan and there is a notion of “island time” you hear flying out of every lazy white mouth who is trying to sound hyper-local, but most people I met that grew up there, that work there and make plans with friends there - they tend to be pretty respectfully on-time.

Nice stereotype though!

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#378

Post by Aramgutang »

BrandoElFollito wrote: post #357
JimboOmega wrote: post #332

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's very possible to have every intent and desire to be on time, and still fail at it. Some people have problem with things like attention and executive function that make planning in time very difficult. For you it might be an issue of not caring. IT's not for everyone.

This reminds me of all these obese people who a are obese because of "health issues", to cover their horrific lifestyle. 98% of the cases, probably (I am being generous). Same with the timekeeping : some feel that they are so unique and mentally impaired that keeping time is beyond them. But they just do not give a shit about others. I was 30 kg overweight and had all kind of excuses (including a medical condition).…

I'm one of those perpetually late people. There was a time when I was slightly overweight. I changed my diet, started lifting weights and running, and ended up running a marathon 18 months later. But I couldn't fix my lateness. Pretty sure I had to run to the marathon starting area to be able to start with my group.

I've found that exercising control over my body is easy. The body is stupid. It does what I tell it to do. It complains, but it will only fight back when it absolutely cannot physically perform the task.

Not so much with my brain. The brain is smart. It fights back. I can look directly at a (digital) clock, and my brain can refuse to process the time on it.

I can dig around and produce piles of evidence of all the different ways I tried to fix this, all the different treatments I sought, how much sincere effort I put in, and a complete lack of results. Don't take executive function for granted.

Also, our lateness usually hurts us far more than others around us. Nothing is "too important" to be late for. And the things that usually make us late aren't generally important. Most of the time, they're complete wastes of time that didn't need to be done at all in the first place.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#379

Post by odammit »

Aramgutang wrote: post #341
odammit wrote: post #258

Earlier quoted context omitted.

“Punctuality obsessed” or person that takes the effort to make time to hang out with a friend, offered them the respect of showing up on time just to have their time wasted by you not showing up on time. If you do it all the time, you’re inconsiderate.

Have you considered that we may be incapable, rather than inconsiderate? Especially if it's "all the time"? Do you think that those of us without adequate executive function are on time for things we deem truly important? If you do, then you might want to challenge that notion, and see if that affects your viewpoint.

You should get a modern phone with a calendar and alerts.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#380

Post by watwut »

BurningFrog wrote: post #324
JimboOmega wrote: post #212

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Besides the obvious craziness of keeping track of these things... It's worth noting that some people are just completely shit at timeliness, no matter how important the thing is. I am and so are my a lot of my friends "I'm running 30 minutes late!" often meets a "No worries, I might be an hour". A punctuality obsessed person would hate me.

Some people flake on their friends, but are always on time for flights. They are perfectly capable of being on time for important things. It's just that their friends aren't important to them.

I have friends who are late often while being generally considerate people, it is zero problem at all. I just dont expect them be on time anymore. As far as disrespect goes, this is pretty low. I know enough punctual jerks to not care all that much about this.

If you are late, but after comming in treat people politely, are willing to compromise, dont assume they are stupid in each of your responses and dont go out of your way to insult them and respect them dont act like alpha-king-of-galaxy that needs everything your way, then it is much better then punctual opposite.

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