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Why Am I So Lazy?

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Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#231

Post by pluma »

dudzik wrote: post #72
bambax wrote: post #52

> I see this shit every day in other parents: “She hates to read!” “He’s lazy!” “She’s bad at math!” You are imprisoning your kid with your words, fuckers! That's spot on. It's really upsetting to hear people say that about children, especially people with authority (parents, grandparents). DON'T DO THAT! Or, if you have to do that (!?!) at least be positive. Don't tell a kid she's bad at math, tell her she's good at…

I would like to add that praising can backfire as well. For example, if a child gets a good grade and you praise its intelligence instead of their work it seems that they won't put in the effort next time.[1] 1: http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2007....

Ugh, yes. When I was little my parents kept telling me I'm smart so every time I got a bad grade they told me I could have done better (but didn't show me how) and whenever I was sure I was going to get a bad grade because I knew I didn't fully understand something or hadn't prepared well enough they just reassured me I'd be fine because I'm smart.

At the time all I would have wanted to hear is "it's okay if you don't do well on this one" (because it'd have taken the pressure off when I knew I couldn't do well) but what I really would have needed to hear would have been "yes, you're not well prepared, so you might not do well on this one but we'll help you prepare for next time so you won't be in this situation again".

I mostly got by avoiding homework and underperforming (I had the talent to do well enough but didn't put in the effort to take advantage of that) but my parents only intervened when I was at risk of having to repeat a year -- and at that point the only way to make progress was rote learning, which I hated and was (and still am) extremely bad at (because I had never done it before).

So IOW you may think your kid's a genius but the important thing is not to let them rest on their laurels. Don't obsess over grades but make sure your kid participates in class and does their homework like they should or else they'll skip on that out of habit and will be woefully underprepared when they run into situations where they can't get by on simply being a "genius" (which may be sooner than you think).

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#232

Post by b__d »

pavel_lishin wrote: post #167
sanderjd wrote: post #116

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think there's an important distinction here: in "stop being lazy" it is a verb, an act which is temporary and can be overcome, while in "he is lazy" it is an adjective, an attribute which can all too easily be taken as an indelible personality trait. I think it's only the latter that can be harmful.

Reminds me of a part from Cryptonomicon: > '"I don't like the word 'addict' because it has terrible connotations," Root says one day, as they are sunning themselves on the afterdeck. "Instead of slapping a label on you, the Germans would describe you as 'Morphiumsüchtig.' The verb, suchen means to seek. So that might be translated, loosely, as 'morphine seeky' or even more loosely as 'morphine-seeking.' I prefer 'see…

Though the word "Sucht" may imply that it derives from "suchen", it does not [1][2][3], making the translation "süchtig" into "seeking" just plain wrong, even loosley.

süchtig = addicted, hooked seeking = suchend

[1] https://de.wiktionary.org/wiki/Sucht [2] https://de.wiktionary.org/wiki/suchen [3] https://michelmasters.wordpress.com/category/etymologie-und-...

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#233

Post by pluma »

oceanghost wrote: post #171
pavel_lishin wrote: post #165

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Things are so bad that I have to make sure she eats. That definitely sounds like depression. I think I know what the answer is going to be, but have you approached her about seeing a therapist?

Thousands of times. I have tried everything. She lies to the counselors/therapists and herself I suspect. She has a deep need to protect this behavior.

I have suffered from depression (and still do sometimes) so believe me when I say: unless you're a trained professional, it's not your job to be her therapist. If she actively sabotages her therapy and her therapists can't figure that out, either her therapists are bad at their jobs or she's not yet in a place where she accepts that she needs help.

For me it took a long time to acknowledge that it's not just my personality, it's a mental health issue and that there are people I could talk to about it (and that it needs to be an outsider). But most importantly I had to come to this realisation myself. You need to be willing to cooperate and to understand that this is a problem you want help solving.

Sometimes the risk of losing the person you love is what it takes to make that step. But sometimes people need even more than that.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#234

Post by sanderjd »

fho wrote: post #230
pavel_lishin wrote: post #167

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Reminds me of a part from Cryptonomicon: > '"I don't like the word 'addict' because it has terrible connotations," Root says one day, as they are sunning themselves on the afterdeck. "Instead of slapping a label on you, the Germans would describe you as 'Morphiumsüchtig.' The verb, suchen means to seek. So that might be translated, loosely, as 'morphine seeky' or even more loosely as 'morphine-seeking.' I prefer 'see…

Plus one for Cryptonomicon reference ... such a great read once you get up to speed with the book. I finished it on my third attempt after quitting twice. Currently stuck on REAMDE ...

Honestly, I didn't find REAMDE to be worth the time. Re-reading Cryptonomicon would be time better spent.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#235

Post by pavel_lishin »

sanderjd wrote: post #234
fho wrote: post #230

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Plus one for Cryptonomicon reference ... such a great read once you get up to speed with the book. I finished it on my third attempt after quitting twice. Currently stuck on REAMDE ...

Honestly, I didn't find REAMDE to be worth the time. Re-reading Cryptonomicon would be time better spent.

Parts of REAMDE lagged, and it was weirdly paced - there were at least three parts of the book where I was sure I was approaching the conclusion, only to look down and see that I was 20%, 40%, 80% through the book. But overall, I enjoyed it.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#236

Post by internetman55 »

pbhjpbhj wrote: post #136
perfmode wrote: post #109

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Be careful with the coldness. This may backfire on you down the road. Your children may stop respecting you as they gain independence.

Yes, but also my role as parent is not necessarily to be liked: I'm concerned to help him develop resilience and self-reliance above my own desire to be liked. It's a delicate balance.

Umm my parents had this idea. It seems that me and my siblings internalized the idea that our parents didn't like/care about us and ended up with quite low self esteem. Most of us developed some anxiety disorders or depressive issues. Now my 24 year old brother sits in my parents house and plays DotA all day and my parents just complain about how he needs to get a job.

e: this is after massive academic self sabotage that ended up with him barely graduating from high school on the special ed track despite being probably 130+iq. He would show up late to every class, refuse to do his assignments, and roll his eyes and loudly yawn to mock the teachers the teachers before falling asleep at his desk. Despite this he'd still end up topping out exams in physics, chemistry, etc. But there were other issues at play like my mother being sick our whole childhood and my father having emotional and social problems from an abusive childhood.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#237

Post by sli »

specialist wrote: post #110
pbhjpbhj wrote: post #85

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In think this has been shown to get worse results than praising effort. I call my kids out for being lazy when they're being lazy. Examples from this morning "I don't know what the second rucksack is": meaning "I can't be bothered getting it out the rucksack, you do it for me", my answer "You just want someone else to do it, stop being lazy and get it yourself". Also "I can't do it [take off my boots]": meaning "I do…

Context. Tearing down vs empowering. I loved volunteering in my son's classroom(s). But I admit to having rage-fits when a beautiful, sweet, talented little 6 year old boy forfeits on a task, telling me "I'm stupid, I can't do anything". There's no question how his parents talked to him.

There isn't necessarily no question.

I went through a phase in high school where I was convinced I was very stupid. My parents certainly didn't talk to me that way, though.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#238

Post by mangodrunk »

ghostcluster wrote: post #88
Morizero wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The name for this topic is fixed vs growth mindset: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindset#Fixed_and_growth You'll see that and related phrases as buzzwords sometimes.

> This article may lend undue weight to certain ideas, incidents, or controversies. Psychologists can't replicate Carol Dweck's 'Growth Mindset' claims: https://www.buzzfeed.com/tomchivers/what-is-your-mindset > The findings of Dweck’s key study have never been replicated in a published paper, which is noteworthy in so high-profile a work. One scientist told BuzzFeed News that his attempt to reproduce the findings ha…

Thanks for the article. It appears that the field is rife with issues, but I imagine it's a difficult topic and a young field. Another bogus model from the article is positive psychology.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#239

Post by rjblackman »

oceanghost wrote: post #159

My wife is very similar to the person who wrote this article. She will not do anything she can procrastinate. Nothing. I personally think its some sort of insidious depression. It's destroyed our lives together, and I'm on the verge of asking for a divorce for the... 3rd time, except this time, I'm going to just file. It is absolutely impossible to have the energy for both people in a relationship. My health is suffe…

I am like your wife, a chronic procrastinator. It is almost like my mind gets stuck in a local minima that is hard to get out of. Tasks just seem harder than they are (before I start).

Some things that help me: exercise, meditation, minimalism, routine (kaizen). These help to get me out of the procrastination zone.

A small question though: how does she increase chores compared to if you were living alone? is she very messy, or is it just annoying that you are doing the work for two people?

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#240

Post by brw12 »

sanderjd wrote: post #234
fho wrote: post #230

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Plus one for Cryptonomicon reference ... such a great read once you get up to speed with the book. I finished it on my third attempt after quitting twice. Currently stuck on REAMDE ...

Honestly, I didn't find REAMDE to be worth the time. Re-reading Cryptonomicon would be time better spent.

I highly recommend SEVENEVES. It's like NS doing "The Martian" but weirder.
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