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Why Am I So Lazy?

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Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#211

Post by kaitai »

dboreham wrote: post #207
somethingsimple wrote: post #155

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Don't tell a kid she's bad at math, tell her she's good at math and you're surprised she doesn't get good grades I think one must be careful with this. I'd use that approach if my kid got a single bad grade among otherwise great grades in math. But I wouldn't tell her that if I knew she wasn't good at math - that would just be dishonest, and kids can tell. My approach with my daughter is to praise her for things I'…

This touches on some personal experience: Since I'm reading HN of course I'm good at math. However, I don't really believe there is any such thing -- rather I had some good teachers, and father who knew math and who was willing to invest time explaining it to me, and something of a desire to "understand everything" which of course includes (starts with) Mathematics. Deep down I guess I think that perhaps when you get…

Tons -- if you want to look at the evidence, look at the gender and ethnic makeup of programs for kids gifted in math in the US. First-generation kids are deeply overrepresented, and by the third generations kids of any ethnicity are all equally bad at math in the US. Cultural attitudes have a lot of influence on people's approach to mathematics.

Moreover, in my experience I see lots of people in the US say "I'm bad at math" if they are not good at algebra. Algebra is not math. Neither are fractions. Geometry is part of math. So are combinatorics, logic, numerical analysis, etc.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#212

Post by projektir »

fragmede wrote: post #195
allsunny wrote: post #149

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I hear you but any suggestions on what can we do to increase our motivation short of Adderall and bears? Is it a diet thing or.. genetic lottery?

There are non-chemical ways of treating ADHD (which is what Adderall is generally prescribed for. I am not aware of any disease for which bears are a generally accepted treatment, however), so I suspect that non-chemical techniques to combat ADHD may also work for those who's attention issues don't rise to the level of having been professionally diagnosed. Diet is a big one. No (extra) sugar - definitely no soda, cut…

And what is the basis for all this?

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#213

Post by sanderjd »

Digit-Al wrote: post #206
sanderjd wrote: post #194

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's very pedantic! While I didn't mean "it" in that statement to refer just to the word "lazy", I suppose it's true that "being lazy" also isn't technically a verb. Other commenters below have found more precise language, but I think a charitable reading of what I wrote is pretty clear in meaning.

How about "stop [acting] lazy"? 'Acting' has more of an implication of something you are putting on that can be easily changed, rather than 'being' which possibly implies something you are, that is not easily changed.

This is deeper down a rabbit hole than I really meant to go, but I personally think "being lazy" is appropriate; I spend time being lazy pretty often, and it isn't an act, it's true laziness, but it's also temporary.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#214

Post by viburnum »

oceanghost wrote: post #197
viburnum wrote: post #192

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm so sorry. Why did you go back to covering for her?

Because love is irrational? Because I'm an idiot? Because when we seperated she got herself into a horrible amount of trouble which to me proved that she can't make it in the world without someone looking out for her. Because how am I going to move on and be happy while she's suffering even if its by her own hand? And because even if I could live without her and I can-- our daughter, cannot.

That's rough. If it's any consolation, I was in the same boat. Hard not to enable when there are small people to look out for. I've only stopped enabling recently, but it seems to be working so far. I hope you can find something that works for you and your kid.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#215

Post by dboreham »

projektir wrote: post #209
dboreham wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This touches on some personal experience: Since I'm reading HN of course I'm good at math. However, I don't really believe there is any such thing -- rather I had some good teachers, and father who knew math and who was willing to invest time explaining it to me, and something of a desire to "understand everything" which of course includes (starts with) Mathematics. Deep down I guess I think that perhaps when you get…

> Since I'm reading HN of course I'm good at math. I read HN, I assure I am not good at math. :P Note that a) your sons are linked to you genetically; b) your sons' genetics likely differ. You can't actually derive any useful information from this anecdote alone. I think it's a mixed issue. There most likely are differences in effectiveness of picking up math in people, and they may be significant, but the environmen…

> You can't actually derive any useful information from this anecdote alone.

Understood. I think the information I feel I can derive is this : with sufficient effort you can turn a "can't do math" person into one that can, modulo your theory that there are some "untransformable" people.

>I think we have very little data of what good teaching can do because it largely doesn't exist

True, although in the case of my kids' teachers I can immediately tell which of them has any real appreciation for Mathematics and it seems to correlate strongly with outcome. For example our schools like to hire English teachers to teach math in middle school. That doesn't seem to work out so well.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#216

Post by astura »

jo909 wrote: post #180
astura wrote: post #143

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Telling your kids to knock the shit off and do X is not "being cold." As pointed out in sibling comments your job as a parent is not to get your children to like you.

Your job is to get your children to behave in a way that keeps _you_ liking _them_. I don't mean that in the sense of "unconditional love" but a pragmatic day to day annoyance and dissatisfaction that keeps building up. Don't accept that as normal. If you start resenting the presence or behavior of your children you need to act. Better act long before that.

Kids are little psychopaths when they are young; they will manipulate the shit out of you if you let them. They can bring this behavior into adolescence and adulthood if not corrected. They absolutely need to be told, in no uncertain terms, to cut out the shit every once in a while, that teaches them you aren't going to put up with their manipulation and shows your high expectations for their behavior. It also shows them that there's going to be people in the world (bosses, for example) who are just going to expect something from you. That's not being cold, that's being a damn good parent.

And you know what, they actually do learn over time and their behavior does improve.

Saying "okay darling, I'll take your shoes off," doesn't built respect, quite the opposite, it teaches them to continue to manipulate you and that leads to a massive amount of disrespect.

The person I respect most in life is my grandma and she is the only one who called out the bullshit in me when she saw it. Same with my baby cousin (I'm more than 20 years older than him), he's a teenager now and I'm his favorite person in the world and I was the only person who called him out and let him know I expected him to behave around me, his parents let him walk all over them. He certainly had and still has zero respect for his parents.

Speaking of my baby cousin, his dad once asked me why I correct his grammar. I told him I didn't mind how he talks around his friends, but I wanted him to learn to speak correctly for the times he needs to portray himself professionally, like a job interview.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#217

Post by dboreham »

kaitai wrote: post #211
dboreham wrote: post #207

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This touches on some personal experience: Since I'm reading HN of course I'm good at math. However, I don't really believe there is any such thing -- rather I had some good teachers, and father who knew math and who was willing to invest time explaining it to me, and something of a desire to "understand everything" which of course includes (starts with) Mathematics. Deep down I guess I think that perhaps when you get…

Tons -- if you want to look at the evidence, look at the gender and ethnic makeup of programs for kids gifted in math in the US. First-generation kids are deeply overrepresented, and by the third generations kids of any ethnicity are all equally bad at math in the US. Cultural attitudes have a lot of influence on people's approach to mathematics. Moreover, in my experience I see lots of people in the US say "I'm bad…

Do you mean "school algebra" is not part of math? I'm pretty sure "Algebra" is : groups, fields, rings, whatever.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#218

Post by pavel_lishin »

oceanghost wrote: post #171
pavel_lishin wrote: post #165

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Things are so bad that I have to make sure she eats. That definitely sounds like depression. I think I know what the answer is going to be, but have you approached her about seeing a therapist?

Thousands of times. I have tried everything. She lies to the counselors/therapists and herself I suspect. She has a deep need to protect this behavior.

Only trained lifeguards should try to save drowning victims, lest they pull their would-be rescuers in after themselves. Godspeed on your third attempt.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#219

Post by solitus »

somethingsimple wrote: post #140
pbhjpbhj wrote: post #136

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, but also my role as parent is not necessarily to be liked: I'm concerned to help him develop resilience and self-reliance above my own desire to be liked. It's a delicate balance.

> my role as parent is not necessarily to be liked I wish more people understood/accepted this.

As long as you do not burn bridges, I think this is spot on. In the long run, when your kids are adults they will like you more for it than if you had been their "friend" during childhood.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#220

Post by seasoup »

Bradlinc wrote: post #138
specialist wrote: post #110

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Context. Tearing down vs empowering. I loved volunteering in my son's classroom(s). But I admit to having rage-fits when a beautiful, sweet, talented little 6 year old boy forfeits on a task, telling me "I'm stupid, I can't do anything". There's no question how his parents talked to him.

I am not sure I would blame the parents. As a kid I would say that I was stupid and couldn't do anything even though everyone around me was telling me how smart I was. I watch the same thing occurring in my six year old daughter now, even though I am sure nobody is saying that to her. It was a confidence thing for me. This didn't change until I was in my teens and was clearly better at certain things than others.

If a kid thinks “smart” means that she knows the answers to lots of things then when she runs into things and doesn’t know the answer, she figures everyone is wrong and she is stupid. When a kid thinks that being smart means being able to sit there and figure things out and ask for help when needed, then she knows what to do to live up to the “smart” expectation and can accept the vision of herself as smart when she runs into something she doesn’t already know.
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