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Why Am I So Lazy?

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Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#131

Post by ianai »

trevyn wrote: post #129
ianai wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Actually the thing to do is remove the violence of the language. Simply acknowledge whatever situation with no subjective statements. “Your math grade is a C. Would you like tutoring?” Violent language like your examples hurt people. Those hurts sum to resent and ultimately more violence. The following book goes into this in depth: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Arun Gandhi

“No.” (Goes off and plays video games.)

Yes with kids you probably have to carry it out further. The point, I think, is to remove emotionally charged or conclusive statements. “I know you like the ability to afford a new computer every other year. That will be difficult if you don’t have the technical knowledge for a higher paying job.” Etc

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#132

Post by brookside »

pbhjpbhj wrote: post #85
bambax wrote: post #52

> I see this shit every day in other parents: “She hates to read!” “He’s lazy!” “She’s bad at math!” You are imprisoning your kid with your words, fuckers! That's spot on. It's really upsetting to hear people say that about children, especially people with authority (parents, grandparents). DON'T DO THAT! Or, if you have to do that (!?!) at least be positive. Don't tell a kid she's bad at math, tell her she's good at…

In think this has been shown to get worse results than praising effort. I call my kids out for being lazy when they're being lazy. Examples from this morning "I don't know what the second rucksack is": meaning "I can't be bothered getting it out the rucksack, you do it for me", my answer "You just want someone else to do it, stop being lazy and get it yourself". Also "I can't do it [take off my boots]": meaning "I do…

I so much agree that praising ability instead of effort is a mistake.

However, a word like "lazy" is a bit tricky. While you are saying "stop being lazy" (meaning - please cease the behavior you are exhibiting in this moment) it can have an undertone of "you are lazy", especially if repeated over the course of days/months/years.

I wonder if there is a better phrasing to respond in a scenario like a kid not searching for his own backpack. Maybe "Do the work!"

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#133

Post by falcolas »

TeMPOraL wrote: post #100
falcolas wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I didn't care for that article much, though there's a lot of good information in there. Why don't I care for it? Because it looks at ADHD only in terms of the capability for concentration. There are more symptoms and co-morbid pathologies associated with ADHD, and the ability to concentrate is only one of them. The biggest one that bugs me is the inability to automatically associate actions with their outcomes if the…

Is there a good way at all to tackle the issues you mention? I ask because, well, I kind of recognize myself in this description.

Seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor.

Honestly, a mental health professional is the only one who can really provide the tools which fit your needs. There's a lot of coping mechanisms which can to be employed, from making extensive use of reminders, alarms, and schedules, to setting up routines, and sometimes just to acknowledge that your brain doesn't quite work right so you don't feel bad about having to work around it.

A psychiatrist is also the one who can prescribe medication. Those meds can help with the concentration issues - can help make it possible to even invoke the behavioral modifications - but medication alone doesn't solve the problems faced by someone with ADHD. I recommend a video [0] by Jessica at "How to ADHD" to see why medication can matter. Hell, I recommend that channel to anyone curious about ADHD - her story of coming to her current point in life is a great example of how medication alone is not enough.

Feeling like a constant failure has its own costs, which is why I also mention the counselor. The right one is going to be your non-judgemental sounding board for the myriad of frustrations in life. They are also cheaper than a psychiatrist, see fewer people overall, and can help take the tools provided by a psychiatrist and personalize them even further. You can even start with a counselor and find a psychiatrist they recommend from there.

[0] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rD9qK8-sMGQ

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#134

Post by eeZah7Ux »

koonsolo wrote: post #69
eeZah7Ux wrote: post #63

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> extravagant, bizarre theory Absolutely not. Self-sabotage is psychology 101. > why can't she just be lazy Because laziness, like demonic possession and telepathy has not been identified by any medical science. > we're too eager to accept such explanations because they are more comforting than more straightforward, harsher ones Or maybe one explanation is backed by decades of research while the idea of "laziness" is…

Sorry, but I have totally no clue what you are talking about. Laziness is preserving energy, which seems pretty vital to survival for me. Have you ever seen a "lazy" lion just laying there, doing nothing most of the day? The reason why he's not running around all day doing active stuff is because of survival, energy preservation. He will put his energy where it is most important, food and sex. He's even so lazy that…

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laziness

"Laziness (also called indolence) is disinclination to activity or exertion despite having the ability to act or exert oneself. It is often used as a pejorative; terms for a person seen to be lazy include couch potato, slacker, and bludger."

To clarify: I'm talking about "laziness" as a pejorative - e.g. something to be ashamed of.

Your example is about good prioritization and saving precious energy and there's nothing bad about it especially when food is scarce.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#135

Post by bjourne »

pkalinowski wrote: post #90

Being lazy is natural and it is what pushes humanity forward. We don't want to do things, so we try to work on it less in the future - automating things, improving efficiency etc. Being "lazy" about some things is good for you. Do not focus much on stuff which is not very important for you personally.

Did you read the article? The premise of her question is that she thinks she is lazy AND she is not satisfied with that. Clearly, being "lazy" is not good if your laziness makes you unhappy.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#136

Post by pbhjpbhj »

perfmode wrote: post #109
pbhjpbhj wrote: post #85

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In think this has been shown to get worse results than praising effort. I call my kids out for being lazy when they're being lazy. Examples from this morning "I don't know what the second rucksack is": meaning "I can't be bothered getting it out the rucksack, you do it for me", my answer "You just want someone else to do it, stop being lazy and get it yourself". Also "I can't do it [take off my boots]": meaning "I do…

Be careful with the coldness. This may backfire on you down the road. Your children may stop respecting you as they gain independence.

Yes, but also my role as parent is not necessarily to be liked: I'm concerned to help him develop resilience and self-reliance above my own desire to be liked. It's a delicate balance.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#137

Post by ianai »

shawnz wrote: post #115
ianai wrote: post #97

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Actually the thing to do is remove the violence of the language. Simply acknowledge whatever situation with no subjective statements. “Your math grade is a C. Would you like tutoring?” Violent language like your examples hurt people. Those hurts sum to resent and ultimately more violence. The following book goes into this in depth: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Arun Gandhi

Has this technique been proven to be successful? Otherwise I don't think it's right to call it "the thing to do".

People indicate the methods from that book saved their marriages. I’m not aware of any studies because I don’t have time to become an expert on this. Violence comes in many forms and diminishes peoples’ autonomy. That’s almost the definition of violence. So remove the diminishing language as a start.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#138

Post by Bradlinc »

specialist wrote: post #110
pbhjpbhj wrote: post #85

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In think this has been shown to get worse results than praising effort. I call my kids out for being lazy when they're being lazy. Examples from this morning "I don't know what the second rucksack is": meaning "I can't be bothered getting it out the rucksack, you do it for me", my answer "You just want someone else to do it, stop being lazy and get it yourself". Also "I can't do it [take off my boots]": meaning "I do…

Context. Tearing down vs empowering. I loved volunteering in my son's classroom(s). But I admit to having rage-fits when a beautiful, sweet, talented little 6 year old boy forfeits on a task, telling me "I'm stupid, I can't do anything". There's no question how his parents talked to him.

I am not sure I would blame the parents. As a kid I would say that I was stupid and couldn't do anything even though everyone around me was telling me how smart I was. I watch the same thing occurring in my six year old daughter now, even though I am sure nobody is saying that to her. It was a confidence thing for me. This didn't change until I was in my teens and was clearly better at certain things than others.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#139

Post by Zak »

vermilingua wrote: post #130
uhnuhnuhn wrote: post #128

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> in "stop being lazy" it is a verb It isn't.

No, but "being lazy" is an action, which can be stopped. It's much harder to stop being lazy if you are being told it's a facet of your identity.

Lazy, here, is a state. It could be understood as a temporary state like being asleep or being hungry, or a facet of one's identity.

"Stop slacking" might be better; it unambiguously refers to current behavior that a person can change immediately.

Re: Why Am I So Lazy?

#140

Post by somethingsimple »

pbhjpbhj wrote: post #136
perfmode wrote: post #109

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Be careful with the coldness. This may backfire on you down the road. Your children may stop respecting you as they gain independence.

Yes, but also my role as parent is not necessarily to be liked: I'm concerned to help him develop resilience and self-reliance above my own desire to be liked. It's a delicate balance.

> my role as parent is not necessarily to be liked

I wish more people understood/accepted this.

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