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Ask HN: My brother is addicted to alcohol. How do I help him?
21–29 of 29 posts
Re: Ask HN: My brother is addicted to alcohol. How do I help him?
#22If you really want to help your brother I doubt you can do it by remote control. Have you considered that he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you?
Have you considered that he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you?
So you are essentially shouldering some/all of the responsibility for the brother's alcoholism upon the OP. That's a big burden to carry, and potentially dangerous + damaging if it is not true.
You're taking a wild guess with that comment, you have no idea, and (maybe unintentionally) your sentence doesn't ask if that could be the answer - you state it as the case (the words 'if' or 'maybe' would have been better here).
When people are looking for answers they can read into the linguistics of things very carefully. What you wrote was very powerful and without any facts or evidence to back it up.
I would be sad if the OP, who already clearly feels worried about the situation, started taking responsibility for this mess that actually wasn't his doing or responsibility.
I'd be even more sad if he gave up his startup and moved home when it turns out none of the trigger factors for the brothers alcoholism have anything to do with him. Many people just self-destruct and even if the alcoholic brother is missing his distant brother that doesn't make it wrong for distant brother to live abroad.
Re: Ask HN: My brother is addicted to alcohol. How do I help him?
#23Hello, I feel your pain. My close one was going through this as well but things are good now. Try to find him an appointment with a specialist. There is also some medication for helping people fight an alcohol addiction - it doesn't cure the reason but helps break the habit. Most of all, be there for him and let him know there's so many reasons he needs to stop doing this and enjoy the beauty of this life. Really make sure he knows that if all goes bad, you'll always be there for him. Take care and I hope all will be well...
Re: Ask HN: My brother is addicted to alcohol. How do I help him?
#24You should talk to a specialist about this, not HN.
Yes, as I mentioned in my post, I do realize that. My intention of posting here is to find out what kind of specialist help others may have gotten. I'm sorry about the irrelevance of the topic on this forum, but I think there are a lot of highly rational and intelligent people here, who tend to give good advice even on personal issues.
Re: Ask HN: My brother is addicted to alcohol. How do I help him?
#25If you really want to help your brother I doubt you can do it by remote control. Have you considered that he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you?
I can try and visit him more often, but I've just started a startup. Perhaps it's time to revise my priorities. Have you considered that he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you? I've never looked at it that way, but if that's the case, me being near him may help.
My heart's going out to you here. First and foremost, I've got to say that.
What I'm going to say next is going to sound dreadful. Being there may help - may well help - but you've got to be prepared, because if you aren't, it won't. Love is not enough. Alcoholism is an illness.
Re: Ask HN: My brother is addicted to alcohol. How do I help him?
#26If you really want to help your brother I doubt you can do it by remote control. Have you considered that he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you?
Have you considered that he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you? So you are essentially shouldering some/all of the responsibility for the brother's alcoholism upon the OP. That's a big burden to carry, and potentially dangerous + damaging if it is not true. You're taking a wild guess with that comment, you have no idea, and (maybe unintentionally) your sentence doesn't ask if that could be the answer…
> So you are essentially shouldering some/all of the responsibility for the brother's alcoholism upon the OP. That's a big burden to carry, and potentially dangerous + damaging if it is not true.
No, I'm asking if he thinks that may be the case.
People do the weirdest things to get the attention of others, including getting in to trouble.
> I would be sad if the OP gave up his startup and moved home for this. Many people just self-destruct and even if the alcoholic brother is missing his distant brother that doesn't make it wrong for distant brother to live abroad.
It's not your life, it's his so there is noting for you to be sad about, whichever decision he makes, and whatever the outcome.
As for the linguistics, I'm not an English native speaker/writer but I though that it was pretty clear that I did not intend to suggest that he is at fault for his brothers drinking, that's a ridiculous suggestion to begin with. Everybody is responsible for their own lives.
Re: Ask HN: My brother is addicted to alcohol. How do I help him?
#27You should talk to a specialist about this, not HN.
Yes, as I mentioned in my post, I do realize that. My intention of posting here is to find out what kind of specialist help others may have gotten. I'm sorry about the irrelevance of the topic on this forum, but I think there are a lot of highly rational and intelligent people here, who tend to give good advice even on personal issues.
assuming specialist = therapist/councilor, I doubt they are going to be able to help you work out the solution for your brother, although if you want a neutral and private sounding board to talk the issue through then yes this might be a good course of action.
I've commented many times on HN how much I enjoy seeing a therapist once every two weeks just to rediscover the emotional side of my being and balance out the uber-logicalness of my life.
If you see a therapist do be clear that they are not going to give you the answers, only give you a safe place to talk out the issue. My point is you might be better off doing that with parents, friends, partner (romantic, not business), etc if you have them around you. They know you better and may be more familiar with the specifics of the situation.
EDIT: if you are in SF and want a recommendation, my email is in my profile.
Re: Ask HN: My brother is addicted to alcohol. How do I help him?
#28Earlier quoted context omitted.
In the end nobody can change a life except the person whose life it is, but if it were my brother I'd be right there beside him on the off-chance that it would help. Fortunately my brother is not in to stuff like that. It's really tough, and one of those things that you have to deal with as an emigrant that is not in the playbook. Do you have more brothers? If you do can they be of assistance somehow? Does your broth…
At some point, rushing to "be right there beside him on the off-chance that it would help" may be more hurtful than helpful. As you noted in your first comment, maybe "he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you". The 12-step world has all sorts of theories about these behaviors, under the titles "codependency" or "enabling" or "rescuing" or "detachment". I can't say for sure whether they're right but some…
> At some point, rushing to "be right there beside him on the off-chance that it would help" may be more hurtful than helpful.
That too is a possibility, but not a certainty. That is exactly what makes these things so hard.
> As you noted in your first comment, maybe "he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you".
Yes, but I have absolutely no idea if that is the case or not, and even with my own brother (Maurice, 12 years my junior) I'd have a very hard time to figure that one out. Let alone that I could know which way that coin landed for someone else. I haven't a clue, to be frankly. But I thought that saying that might open the OPs eyes to some of the weirder possibilities.
In the end almost all addictions are a from of escape, the question is from what and why and if it can change, and the first step will have to come with recognising there is a problem, which for the moment the OPs brother does not seem to agree with. So that makes it a very complicated and tricky situation.
Unfortunately alcohol addiction is a subject that strikes pretty close to home for me and I could tell you some stories that would make your hair stand on end. This also means that I may not be the most rational person when looking at this as an issue, personally I'm instantly more worried about the brothers nearest family (wife, kids and so on) than the brother himself. Scars like that heal only very slowly.
Re: Ask HN: My brother is addicted to alcohol. How do I help him?
#29If you really want to help your brother I doubt you can do it by remote control. Have you considered that he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you?
Have you considered that he's drinking because it brings out the brother in you? So you are essentially shouldering some/all of the responsibility for the brother's alcoholism upon the OP. That's a big burden to carry, and potentially dangerous + damaging if it is not true. You're taking a wild guess with that comment, you have no idea, and (maybe unintentionally) your sentence doesn't ask if that could be the answer…
Thanks for your concern. jacquesm's comment did make me pause and think, but I tend to not get carried away when thinking about taking responsibility. I have seen my dad take responsibility for a lot of his relatives' shortcomings all his life; all parties involved end up being miserable. So that history makes me a bit wary of compromising on my life for someone else.
But, I really do want to help my brother, which may involve some compromises.